


John & Jim

by JHGenius



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Developing Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Dirty Talk, Drug Abuse, Drug Addict Sherlock, Drug Use, Drugged Sherlock, Friendship/Love, Jealous John, Jim is not really Moriarty here - or just a little, John Loves Sherlock, Love Triangles, M/M, Relationship Issues, Romance, Sherlock Holmes & John Watson Friendship, Sherlock Texting, Slash, Texting, Virgin Sherlock
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-12
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-03-30 06:47:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 47,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3926908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JHGenius/pseuds/JHGenius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes whole stories are written in texts...</p><p>Warning: we love Johnlock but this isn't a traditional Johnlock story. We're dealing with a real love triangle here. If you like that kind of stories, we hope you'll enjoy reading :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

John, I’ve been very helpful to Gavin today. He arrested three guys thanks to me. A sordid case, you would have liked it. How is the weather, where you are? I hope it’s not too rainy, you were snoring last night, I think you were already a little sick. SH

  
I was so busy today, John. I didn’t eat. Did you eat? Give me some news, I’m bored right now. SH

  
Why don’t you answer me? Are you too busy, in this stupid province you wanted to go with your silly sister to help her? She won’t stop drinking, John. Ever. It’s just foolish to think she will. SH

  
Go away, Sherlock. I get you’re bored, but there are limits. You’re not helping here.

  
What does that mean, I’m not helping? What are you doing, precisely? SH

  
I’m trying to help my sister. I’m trying not to think too much of home and… well, I’m trying.

  
Why don’t you want to think too much of home? It doesn’t make sense. SH

  
Figured it wouldn’t, to you. Well. Because, Sherlock, when you’re far away, or lonely, or sad… thinking of dear things will only sadden you more. I don’t know, imagine being torn apart from… your precious microscope, or else!

  
The flat is a… dear thing for you, so? SH

  
Yeah, you could say that. There I feel at peace… safe. Don’t you?

  
Of course I do. But I wasn’t sure it was the same for you. SH

  
Why not? I come home every night, after all ;)

  
Yes, you’re right. I was illogical, sorry. So. Tell me. Are you just far way, or lonely and sad, too? SH

  
A bit of all of the above, maybe. But I’m alright… Why do you ask?

  
Why are you lonely? Where is your sister? SH

  
She’s asleep, at last. I took care of her admission papers all day, only to discover she ran away. I found her after a few hours. I know everything about the pubs here now! Then we had a bit of a… fight. But it’s fine. It will be fine, don’t worry. I’m… not so lonely anymore, with your charming texts ;)

  
We both know I am not a charming person, John. A fight? It’s worse than I thought. SH

  
Indeed. Well, I couldn’t let this guy touch her, you know? A guy! What was she thinking…? So I pushed him away rather briskly, and it became a catfight. Reminded me of my young years.

  
So you were that sort of guy, ready to get involved in every fight, trying to help and protect the weak? It’s not surprising. SH

  
Oh, my sister isn’t weak. In fact, when I knocked this asshole down it was her who slapped me hard enough to leave a bruise. That’s why I mentioned a fight… and maybe why I feel so alone, tonight. But nevermind. It was kind of you to say that.

  
She hit you? She hit you hard enough to leave a bruise? SH

  
It’s not her fault. She was drunk and angry. I’m not sure why it was with me, but it doesn’t matter. She will recover, she’ll stop her habit, I’ll help her. You know this, right? Tell me you know.

  
What does that mean, it’s not her fault? Was it the bottle of wine that jumped at her and emptied itself into her mouth? Of course it’s her fault, for God’s sake! SH

  
No it’s not. Don’t speak of her like that.

  
You know I’m right. You’re just doing sentiment. SH

  
You know what, Sherlock?

  
What? SH

  
Fuck you. You don’t get to judge what you don’t even know. I’m not doing “sentiment”, I just love my sister even if she’s a fucking wreck. I’ll take all the slaps in the world if one day she’ll feel only a little bit better. How could I have thought you’d understand something like that?

  
Maybe I understand her and her behavior far too well. SH

  
What? How so?

  
She’s not the only addict you know and care about, John. You’re too kind for your own good, you know. SH

  
Well, I. That’s true. But you’re not an addict anymore, Sherlock. And you never slapped me! Listen, I’m sorry to have yelled at you, I guess I’m oversensitive about these issues. But I don’t think one can ever be too kind, you know.

  
Why are you apologizing? I’m the one who was rude, I think. But I can’t stand seeing you doing all this for her, and be slapped in return. I just can’t. SH

  
Why?

  
How’s the bruise? Is it painful? SH

  
OK. Mmh… It’s nothing, don’t worry. Just my ego, I guess ;) You? Did you eat something, finally? I’ve left you some beans in the fridge, I bet you weren’t listening when I told you before I went to the station.

  
I’m not hungry. It’s raining outside. Mrs Hudson is on a date tonight with an unfaithful man, I tried to inform her but she didn’t want to listen. I’m bored. SH

  
Sherlock. Did you even eat something since I left? You have to, now. And leave Mrs Hudson alone. You’ve ruined enough of my dates already, don’t start with the poor woman. And you’re not bored, you’re talking (or writing, I know, I know) to me! I’m here.

  
Oh yes, your wonderful dates with all these so clever girls. Such a shame. Well, I’m sorry to have ruined your sentimental life these last months. SH

  
No you’re not, you git. And thanks a lot for the “clever girls”. The chemist teacher wasn’t dumb! She made us watch Breaking Bad, and you liked it. I heard you in the shower repeating Heisenberg’s lines! “It’s my territory” and all! I bet you liked her too, you just ignored her instead of being insulting like with the others.

  
It was “Out of my territory”. And I didn’t like her, but if you loved her that much, don’t hesitate to contact her again. SH

  
Oh, sorry, Mr White… No I can’t do that, she left me, remember? Saying there were one too many in that flat. I never really knew what happened. Wait… do you?

  
She hated me. SH

  
More than the others, you mean? And why was that?

  
I did nothing wrong with her, if that’s your real question. SH

  
Wow, you lost me there, Sherlock. What kind of wrong could you two have done together?

  
What does that mean? What do you think I could do with her? YOU are always telling me I’m too rude with your adorable girlfriends. SH

  
I’m… I’m sorry, I should have remembered that you don’t… no, nothing, Sherlock. And yes you’re a rude git, but you know I always end up forgiving you, I’m not sure why!

  
That I don’t what, exactly? SH

  
That you don’t, um, usually have… intercourse, you know? Not with girls, or… boyfriends, I mean, you’re married to your work, and… well, anyway, no problem with that, of course.

  
Sherlock…? I hope I haven’t hurt you. There was no judgment in what I said. You’re… fine to me the way you are, you know.

  
Do you think I’m a fucking robot, John? SH

  
What? No! Maybe that’s what you inspire to other people, but I’m not them. And you have every right to be as you want to be, and if not being interested by intimate interaction is your choice, I fully respect it. You’re… fascinating in your own ways. Oh, I’m not making any sense, am I…

  
Well. Sherlock the freaking bloody smart detective with his funny hat. Of course he’s not interested in intimate interaction. It’s so obvious. And John, his partner in crime, is his exact opposite, isn’t it? Had and will have a lot of intimate interaction, with a lot of different women. And that’s how the world turns, right? SH

  
Hey. Hey, what is this all about? Sherlock. I didn’t mean to offend you. I… I don’t understand. What’s happening these days? My sister, you… you all seem to be angry with me, I wish I knew how to redeem myself. Have I done something? Tell me. I’ll try to mend it, I promise.

  
It doesn’t matter, John. And I’m not angry with you. And your sister isn’t either, you know that. I wish I could help you better with her, but I’m not like you. I don’t think all people can change - for a while I thought I could but if even you don’t see it, I must have failed. SH

  
Failed to what? I get why Harry is so mad, I get I’m a kind of substitute for her. What are your reasons, Sherlock? I’d like to help, if I could, but you have to trust me a little here…

  
Do you really think I don’t trust you? SH

  
I believe you would trust me with your life. But not always with your thoughts.

  
My thoughts? What do you know of my thoughts, John? What do you know of my out-of-control mind, always racing like a rabid dog? How could you help me with it, John? How could you deal with it? SH

  
Alright, mate, no need to remind me how fucking cleverer than me or anybody else you are. And no, I don’t know much about your thoughts. Yet I’d try to deal with it, if you let me. I guess it won’t ever happen. No problem.

  
Why? Why would you want to deal with it? SH

  
Because I care about you? Because you’re my best friend, and the person I spend the most time with? Because you don’t want to, and it makes me do even more? Pick your choice.

  
I’m your best… friend? SH

  
No, it’s the Pope. Of course it’s you! It’s always you, the quiet evenings at the flat as the thrill of the chase, the crazy experiments and the dinners at Angelo, the nightmareless sleep and… well, hmm, it’s you.

  
Well. You’re my best friend, too. Wait. Does it count even if you’re my only friend? SH

  
Yeah, I think so. Guess I’m lucky you chose me among everybody else ;)

  
Are you? I know I’m not that kind of man, anyone’s best friend. I suppose there are good reasons if I don’t have friends - except you. SH

  
It’s not my problem if other people can’t see what I see in you, Sherlock. Since the very first day, at Bart’s… You’re unique and precious in your own ways. You keep people at bay, but you made an exception for me, I don’t know why. Yes, I’m lucky.

  
Are you joking? You’re the one unique and precious. Of course I couldn’t keep you at bay, as you say. I was craving to know you more, since the very first time. You were so interesting, so different. And you still are. SH

  
Wow, Sherlock… I. I’m not used to that kind of declarations, I believe it’s the first time I hear one from you… That’s beautiful, assuming you’re serious and not just bored to death!

  
Declaration? Which one? You’re right. I was bored to death. And you were feeling lonely. So. Do you feel better now? SH

  
I didn’t mean… well, right, thanks for having been here and patiently listening to my rambling. I feel better, yes, and a little tired. Hope you’re not too bored anymore. I’ll be back in a few days, when Harry’s better, OK? Thanks again, mate.

  
Please, don’t leave me, John. SH

  
Because you’re bored? God I wish I could see your face when you say things like that, just to know… but even then, you’re a skilled actor, right? Well. You should sleep, Sherlock. You can’t be up like that all the time. Strange things will come up in that pretty troubled head of yours.

  
I can’t sleep when you’re not in the flat. And what strange things? What does that mean? SH

  
‘m sorry, what? How come? It’s not funny, Sherlock. How do you do when I’m not around? And strange things, yeah, like hurting yourself with a harpoon while I was asleep in the armchair! My heart just stopped that evening, when I woke up to see your bleeding arm! I remember you were watching me like a salt statue, and the blood dripping on the floor, it felt like a dream… God. Good thing I’m a doctor, mmh?

  
I was just… thinking. SH

  
And sometimes you like to bleed when you do, that’s it? What were you thinking about, then?

  
No! No. I just… forgot that I was bleeding. That’s all. SH

  
Sherlock. Sometimes you scare me. What would you have done if I wasn’t there? Bleed to death?

  
If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t have forgotten that I was bleeding. SH

  
I’m not sure to follow… was it my fault? Did I do something… I know! That was the day I was mad because of the spiders you let run in that girl’s hair, just before we went to the theater… can’t remember her name… damn, that was almost funny, when I think about it now. Is it because I yelled at you? I’m sorry, but you weren’t very polite, you do know that?

  
It had absolutely nothing to do with that. And her name was Carolyn. SH

  
Oh. Right, it was Carolyn.

  
You must be exhausted. Maybe you should go to sleep. SH

  
I am. Well, I’ll go to sleep if you go too. Good night, Sherlock. It was… good talking to you.

  
Good night, John. Thank you. SH


	2. Chapter 2

Sherlock? Are you asleep?

  
No. Why? SH

  
I knew it. Have you even tried?

  
Of course not. SH

  
Damn, Sherlock. You’re not being reasonable.

  
Because you are? What are you doing? SH

  
I… nothing. I’m lying awake in bed and I can’t stop… thinking.

  
Thinking, really? SH

  
Yeah, thinking, Sherlock!

  
Hmmm. You’re alone, we were just talking about one of your splendid ex-girlfriends… You could have been doing something… different. SH

  
Actually I was rereading our exchange.

  
Oh. Why? SH

  
Something you said I can’t seem to understand…

  
Tell me, John. SH

  
“If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t have forgotten that I was bleeding.”

  
“Out of my territory.”

  
“And that’s how the world turns, right?”

  
As you said… I was bored. SH

  
Really? Because if you want me to trust you on this, I’ll do. You were bored, and that’s just it.

  
I… don’t really know what I want. It’s disturbing. SH

  
I’m sorry to be the reason of this… if I am. I’d like to help, if I can.

  
You are. And I’m not sure that you can. SH

  
Oh. I wasn’t certain… I. I don’t know how to… I mean, with anyone else, girl or bloke, it would be simple, but… with you, it’s so different.

  
Is it…? How can normal people deal with this? My mind palace is entirely… quivering. SH

  
That’s a beautiful image… I don’t know about normal people. But for me, I would tell a girl I liked her back, if that was the case. And for a bloke I would say I appreciated the interest, but no thanks. For you… I know not.

  
You don’t like me? SH

  
I fear I’ve come to like you too much.

  
But… Am I different from the other blokes? As you just said once again, you’re not interested. SH

  
You’re just… Sherlock. Undefined, unpredictable, unclassified Sherlock. And in what ways remains unclear, but I think I’m definitely… interested.

  
I… don’t know what to say. SH

  
Sorry. I guess I’m not in my usual state, I’ve had some kind of emotional overload today, I… I didn’t mean what you may think I meant, just that we were… close, you see? Just that you’re special to me, but it doesn’t have to change a thing between us, I like it just the way it is. Do you agree?

  
Yes, I like it a lot, too. SH

  
John? What could change between us, exactly? SH

  
Please. Don’t make me talk about this. I’m afraid we won’t be able to come back from it if I do. And that you don’t really know what this is about.

  
I’m not that innocent, John. SH

  
Oh, really? So you know what it is like to build a daily relationship with someone? Wanting to know if the person is safe, respecting different choices, accepting that the person worries about you, letting her touch you, see you in your barest, kiss you? And more? Did you even try it once, let a chance to anyone, or Mycroft’s nickname for you was justified?

  
I was with a guy, a long time ago. We were lovers for two years. By the way, thank you for your vote of confidence, John. I thought you didn’t see me as the others do, but obviously I was wrong. SH

  
I didn’t know… you were with… a guy? But… OK, please excuse me. I crossed your boundaries, I was upset… So you were with a man, for two years? You never said anything… I realize you know everything about my love life, and I don’t know shit about you. You want me to see you differently but you don’t trust me!

  
You didn’t cross my boundaries, you just presumed that I was a virgin just because I don’t fuck anybody like you do. You want to know? You think that, just because I don’t like talking about him, I don’t trust you? OK. His name was Christian. We met in high school. He was beaten by his stepfather. Eventually I asked Mycroft to help him. But when Mycroft tried to interfere, the asshole hit Christian one more time, the last one. Christian died. His father, too. I was fifteen. We didn’t even really had sex together, not as you think we could, but he was my lover in our own ways, and I don’t consider myself as a virgin. I’ve never had anyone else in my life after him. Are you satisfied? SH

  
Oh, Sherlock. I’m not satisfied, I am sorry. Truly, deeply sorry. And you never talked about it before, you kept it to yourself all this time? God… Thank you so much for trusting me, even if I was such an asshole to you. I can’t imagine the pain you had to endure, at this early age… too early. How… how did his stepfather die? Was it… Mycroft?

  
It was. In fact, I tried to. Mycroft stopped me just in time. SH

  
Fuck. I wish you were here with me, right now.

  
Really? What would you do? SH

  
I would… hold you, I think. If you let me.

  
But I guess you were right. In some ways, I’m a virgin, and I don’t know how to build a daily relationship, as you said. Even if I consider our life together as a pretty much successful daily relationship. But maybe I shouldn’t think like that. SH

  
No, Sherlock, don’t believe that. I was an idiot to say things like this, I don’t even mean them. What we have together… I’m not sure what it is, not even sure I wanna label it, but it’s very precious to me. I want to protect it… to protect you.

  
I don’t need protection, John. I don’t need people who care, I don’t need friends. I don’t need to have a defective mind palace because you have invaded all the pieces, even the garden, for God’s sake! I can’t think, I can’t be me, I can’t… go away. SH

  
Sherlock, no, please…

  
Hey. I’m sorry to wreck your mind palace. I don’t have one, and yet I almost feel like I’m high, high of you, of our conversation, of what I just learnt about your past. But I’m not backing up. I’m not withdrawing. Why are you?

  
This is dangerous. This is a huge mistake. A human error. I can’t do that. I’m a very logical person. My past is my past, I was so young when I was with Christian. I’m an adult now. SH

  
You can’t do what, Sherlock? What mistake? Don’t panic like that. I’m not asking you anything, I don’t even know where I am… I was just really moved by your story, and I guess I felt a surge of protectiveness. Sorry about that - again. So… I understand you vowed not to have any relationship after Christian? Ever?

  
Relationships damage the ability of thinking. Too dangerous for my work. SH

  
In fact, too dangerous full stop. SH

  
OK. Fair enough. So what do we have exactly, you and me? Do you consider me dangerous?

  
You are dangerous for my ability of thinking. But you help me to think better, sometimes. Often. And strangely, you’re not dangerous for my work. You are very helpful in resolving cases. I don’t know what we have. I just don’t want to lose it. SH

  
Thanks for telling me all this, I guess. I don’t want to lose you either. Maybe we should forget what we said to each other tonight. Maybe we could pretend nothing happened. After all, we already did that, once. Do you remember…?

  
I remember. Is that what you want, to forget all this? SH

  
No. It’s more… what I should do, I guess. I can try. But you should know I failed, the first time.

  
I couldn’t forget either, John. SH

  
I don’t believe you. The morning after, you were behaving exactly as any other day. You were so like usual I understood I had to be the same, and I just… couldn’t. You saw the look in my eyes when I woke up after you, I know it. That’s why you sent me to Belfast for that case at the time, right? To get rid of me. I understood. I said nothing, and when I came back you were like before. Are you expecting the same from me, now? Is that it?

  
You are offering me to forget what we said tonight, not me. And I didn’t want to get rid of you. I was trying to do the right thing. I was just trying to choose the brain, the mind, the logical path. How can you think I was the same after that? SH

  
I’m offering this because you said it was a mistake. And back then you “tried to do the right thing” by ignoring me completely, sending me away, treating me like I had become invisible? You call it the logical path? Well, I call it heartless. But I had promised myself not to ever bring this out between us, and it worked out well. Until tonight… it came back at me, so vividly. You’re sending kind of mixed signals here, Sherlock, like that one time. Sorry not to be able to follow…

  
Maybe I’m heartless, a lot of people would agree with you. But am I really the only one who sends mixed signals? You hurled yourself on me, that night. You flung on me and you caught me by the collar and you sucked on my neck - hard enough to leave a mark. And then you just released me, telling me you were drunk and sorry. I concluded you considered all this was a huge mistake. I don’t understand, John. What do you want from me? SH

  
I behaved like an asshole that night. Yes I was drunk and brutal, yes I didn’t give you a chance to fight back and yes I regretted it every day since. I couldn’t bear to see you after, wandering in the flat with your scarf on like a wounded animal. And no, I’m not sure I wouldn’t do it again, drunk or not. I don’t want anything from you, Sherlock, or I want too many things. But it doesn’t matter. Let’s forget it once again.

  
You said you didn’t manage to forget the first time… Will you do it this time? SH

  
I can pretend to. I can try and distract myself with other people like I did, after what I inflicted to you. And you can carry on your experiments safely, without worrying about your flatmate’s erratic behavior. Would it be acceptable?

  
No. No, it wouldn’t. John… John. Don’t talk like that. Don’t be so sad. SH

  
How do you know I’m sad?

  
I know you. I know how you write when you are fine, and when you are not. SH

  
Oh, Sherlock. How come you know me so well and yet you can’t seem to read my mind, sometimes?

  
You’re more difficult to read than you think. It’s disturbing. SH

  
I can relate. These days I don’t manage to, myself! Listen… if my previous suggestion isn’t acceptable for you, then I have a question. Can I?

  
Yes. SH

  
OK, I… so I had the impression I overstepped a lot that night, but in fact, I never really knew what you thought… you see. We never talked about it until now.

  
What is your question, exactly? What I thought that night? SH

  
Mmh. Yeah, I guess that’s it. If you hated it, hated me at that precise time when I… assaulted you, I would understand, you know. It’s just… I’ve been wondering for so long.

  
I felt… surprised, overwhelmed, frozen. I was very hot and very cold at the same time. You smelt like alcohol and cheap feminine perfume. I thought you were mistaking me with your last date. You were so passionate, so confident, so… possessive. So I thought that maybe, I was wrong and you perfectly knew what you were doing. But then you told me you were sorry and drunk, and I understood you were already regretting. That idea hurt me a lot. SH

  
God, Sherlock… I didn’t mistake you with anyone else. I remember my brain went all fuzzy when I saw you standing here, looking at me and… I had to have you, just there, against this wall. I barely registered you fought me back, then you stopped… It was so overwhelming, your scent and your taste, but the look in your wide eyes… that’s why I apologized, why I came back to earth. Fuck, I can’t even blame it on frustration, I had just spent the night with that girl… but it was you, and I couldn’t resist.

  
So you spent your night fucking a girl and came back home and suddenly told yourself that it could be quite fun and great to suck your flatmate’s neck senseless? So, what was that about? Some remnants of your unrestrained libido? What was I, that night? A collateral damage? SH

  
No! Don’t talk about me as if I was a fucking pervert, damn it!

  
Maybe you’re not a pervert, John, but you are a fucking heterosexual bloke, don’t you see?? Women, women, women everywhere! How could I think this night was something different for you from the description I just gave you? SH

  
Yeah, you’re perfectly right, I’m a fucking heterosexual bloke who love women! So why am I attracted to a bloody cold virgin genius who despise everything I am? Deduce that, you sodding detective!

  
Attracted? SH

  
Problem to read, Sherlock? I admit it seems unlikely, for a simple-minded womanizer like me, yet that’s what it is. You’ve thoroughly, methodically invaded my brain, with your brilliant mind, your sharpness AND your fucking impossible eyes! You know what? Since the night I touched you it’s been like a slow torture not to do it again. Have someone already told you how toxic you can be? Well you are, to me. Even when I spent hours shoving my cock in a tight cunt, all the while thinking about you! “Not good”, huh? You want more precisions, or have I shocked you enough already?

  
Be sure of what you want, John, before repeating something like that. Because I’m not heterosexual, and even if I don’t have a lot of experience, I’ve fantasized about you. A lot. SH

  
Don’t play with me, Sherlock. It could lead you too far, more that you could imagine. You saw how I can be with you.

  
And how could you be with me, if we went too far, John…? SH

  
Really? You would like to have that kind of chat with me? I thought you had deduced everything about my sex habits a long time ago…

  
With… just the soundtrack, it’s hard to know exactly what you are doing, you know. And would you want to do with me the same things you do with your girlfriends…? Am I like them for you? SH

  
Well yeah, I’m loud in the bedroom and I like my partners to express their pleasure. If you were with me… maybe you’d be loud, too. Who knows… maybe you would beg.

  
So… I’m just like them, for you? Is that what you want, a new sexual partner, just a little bit different from your previous conquests because I would be your first man? SH

  
Sherlock. Stop. You’re not like anyone else. You’re you. Yes, it would be a first for me, and yes, you’re the only man I’ve been attracted to my whole life. Yes it scares me, even if I practiced that kind of sexual acts quite a lot and… I do enjoy it. And yes, even while I’m afraid right now, it seems my body desperately wants you… all of you. But as you know, I’m the dominant type in bed and I’m not sure I could let a man… have me this way.

  
But you could have me this way, as you say…? SH

  
I could. I would, if you wanted me to. And I wouldn’t be as violent as that night, when I took what I desired without asking… maybe because I was too afraid of your answer. I would be gentle, and caring. I can be that, too. If that’s what you wish for.

  
I. What. What will we do if it changes everything between us? What will we do if we can’t be together and we can’t stay… best friends after that? SH

  
I don’t know, Sherlock. No more than you do. All I know right now is that I’ve forgotten every woman I had and yet I’m so excited it hurts. And the only thing that would help would be you, here, naked under me. I can’t hide it from you, can I?

  
I think we should go sleeping a little, John. Good night. SH

  
Tease.

  
Are you kidding? SH

  
No. You implied some things, Sherlock, you let me heat myself up, and now I’m finally answering you, raw and honest, you leave? Are you that insensitive?

  
I feel… uncomfortable, John. SH

  
Oh, you feel uncomfortable. I am a straight and average guy who confessed his guilty attraction to his virgin genius flatmate, who laid himself bare in front of him, just to be told to go to sleep like an annoying teen. But you are the one uncomfortable. I feel really sorry for you!

  
John. I’m sorry. I just didn’t know what to answer… All this is so mad, I am totally lost, and it’s unpleasant. John… SH

  
Well, it seemed we were headed to some dirty talk, but it’s normal for you not to know about this. Don’t be so lost, Sherlock, I’m sorry. I went too far, as it seems always my way with you…

  
It wasn’t too far, I’m just not used to… John. Could we begin by a kiss? A real kiss? That’s something I have fantasized for a long time now. Would you agree to kiss me? SH

  
Where?

  
On… on the lips…? SH

  
Yeah… that would be a wonderful thing… to start with.

  
So. What would you do after that…? SH

  
I would continue to kiss you… elsewhere. On your neck and collarbone, your chest, your belly… oh, I would have undressed you of your fancy suit before, of course. I’ve done it in a dream, once. I would trace your veins with my tongue. You’re so pale, I know their pattern by heart.

  
John… SH

  
Yeah. I would love to hear you moan. God, I want you so bad, I didn’t know it was possible to this point… I think I wouldn’t be able to wait. I would flip you over on the mattress and lay heavy on your back… would you be afraid? Because maybe you should, when I’m like that.

  
I love you. SH

  
What?

  
I thought, with all the things you were just saying, that it was precisely the good answer, but I guess now, given your reaction, that I was wrong. SH

  
No! No, Sherlock, just… I wasn’t expecting that, that’s all…

  
So you hadn’t guessed, after everything we said tonight? I don’t understand why it’s such a surprise for you. You were just telling me, quite graphically, how much you wanted to fuck me. SH

  
I… yes, I was, but there’s a difference… I mean, you’re taking it to a whole another level… Excuse me, Sherlock, I know you don’t have much experience, but one doesn’t bring that kind of words in a middle of a… conversation like the one we had! Do you even mean it? God…

  
Well, once again I’ve proved how inexperienced I am in this field, as you say - or in other words, that I really am a stupid virgin. So, what should I have answered? That I wanted to fuck you, too? I guess it’s pretty much obvious, now. But I also guess that it’s all screwed-up. Maybe we should just stop here and forget all this conversation, as you offered to, before. SH

  
Please, just… can you swear me that we’re still friends? SH

  
Hey, slow down, Sherlock. Let me… let me just come back on Earth. Did you tell me that because you felt… somewhat obliged to? That I… kind of forced myself on you?

  
Of course not, John. I could have told you these words a long time ago. SH

  
Really? What about that famous night, when I marked you?

  
For God’s sake, John! We have already talked about that night! What do you think I thought when you told me “Sorry, I’m drunk” with your voice already full of regret? This conversation leads nowhere, you don’t… I had thought…

  
I… I’m sorry, Sherlock, but I can’t believe you. You never let away anything, not a word, not a look, and suddenly, this… I. It’s too important, don’t you see that? I could understand this attraction burning between us, and maybe if we did it together, just once, it would… but that kind of commitment… fuck, I can’t think clearly… what had you thought?

  
This is not a commitment, John, it’s just a statement, I’m not asking you anything. Strange how all this depends so much on sex for you, isn’t it? Sex seems to be so easy for you, I should have guessed, I suppose. What does that mean, “if we did it together, just once, it would…”? It would what? This attraction would end and you would be peaceful again, ready to fuck all the women of London while your unbearable flatmate would carry on his solitary little life? SH

  
Damn it, Sherlock! Do you really think I’m that much of a bastard? Well! Maybe I am. Maybe I just want to release myself in you. Maybe I don’t give a damn about your feelings. Maybe you shouldn’t come near me anymore. I’m too old to play that kind of games, and far less gifted at words than you are. And they say women are complicated!

  
I don’t know what to say anymore. You’re talking about my feelings. What are yours? SH

  
Hell if I know… It’s like I have too many, and every one of them is focused on you. I’m not sure if it’s very sane, all that…

  
Oh, perfect. So instead of answering your dirty talk I’ve had the foolishness to say that I loved you - words I hadn’t said to anyone since I was fifteen - and now I’m told that all this is insane! I don’t want to be more insulted. Let’s end this. I am exhausted. SH

  
Sherlock… I. I’m sorry.

  
Good night John. Tomorrow will be another day. SH

  
Night, Sherlock.


	3. Chapter 3

Sherlock. You there?

  
I’ve been an utter idiot. And an asshole.

  
I’m sorry.

  
Well… later, then.

  
I’m here, John. SH

  
Oh. How are you?

  
Fine. I’ve solved another case. And you? SH

  
Oh! That must have been a quickie. You’re alright?

  
John. Tell me what happened with Harry today. Did she hurt you again? SH

  
How… no, nevermind. Don’t worry for me, I’m fine. She’s just been a bit… difficult. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t really liked the clinic. I spent the afternoon with her and left an hour ago, when I texted you. I’ll see her tomorrow morning, if she allows it… then I’ll come home, I guess.

  
She’s not herself, John. Don’t let this hurt you more than it deserves. SH

  
You’re right. She said things… I shouldn’t consider them important. It’s the withdrawal talking.

  
What did she say, John? Tell me. SH

  
Oh, nothing worth of repeating. Tell me how’s your day at Baker Street…

  
Mrs Hudson is back. As I said, her suitor wasn’t correct and she’s furious against him. I had tea with her, she talked a lot, it was horrible. I’m alone again, now. You think you’ll come back tomorrow, so? SH

  
She said I was a liar. That I had betrayed her. And other things, too… A coward. And a debauched one, at that, because she saw on my face that I hadn’t sleep and assumed I was fucking around while she was in prison. Her own words. Nice, right? Oh, it doesn’t matter.

  
Why a liar? And a coward? You certainly are not. SH

  
You really didn’t sleep last night? SH

  
Because I promised I would help her, and she probably thought that involved giving her enough funds to buy more booze, not restraining her in an expensive clinic she calls a prison. And I’m a pathetic coward, because I sat in silence while she was insulting me, for quite a long time. She said a lot about this, including that I was still unable at my age to build anything worth with anyone. Well, I used to call that trust issues, she considers it being a coward. Maybe she’s right. I feel tired.

  
No, I didn’t sleep after our little chat. Did you?

  
No she’s not, John. You’re the bravest man I’ve ever known. And how can she say that you didn’t build anything when she’s restrained in this clinic because she’s an alcoholic? That’s not logical, even you should see it. SH

  
No, I didn’t. SH

  
Yeah, but at least she had Clara, and it really meant something for both of them, before my sister screwed up big time. And thanks for the praise, but do you really still think that, after our last conversation? I feel like shit, with Harry, with myself… with you.

  
We are still friends, aren’t we? So you have me, in some ways. SH

  
Thank you… but you haven’t answered my question. Nor my first texts, for that matter… That’s OK, I deserved it.

  
What is your real question, John? What do you really want to know? SH

  
I guess I want to know if you will forgive me.

  
I have already forgiven you, John. And I’m sorry to have been rude, too. SH

  
For real? Sherlock, if… I mean, don’t try to be kind to me because my sister wasn’t, OK? I can take it. I overstepped last night in more than a way, and I feel quite ashamed about it. And… sad.

  
You know I’m not kind, John. I have forgiven you, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel hurt, or sad too. SH

  
But you are, sometimes. To Mrs Hudson, that you tried to warn, and patiently listened to after. To the victims of abuse, particularly when they’re young and innocent, and now I know better why. And to me, even when I don’t deserve it. I’m sorry for hurting you.

  
John… Stop doing that, please. Berating yourself like this… I don’t like it. SH

  
But I have every reason to. I was brutal with you, I harassed you - thank God you weren’t there in the bedroom -, I asked you to open up to me and when you finally did, I rejected you. Threw awful things at you, or kept awful silences when I should have said… something. And I must be a coward, because it took me quite some time to write to you again, earlier. And when you didn’t answer at first… I felt an odd mix of relief and emptiness. Thought Harry was right about me.

  
I… I don’t know what to say, John. I was hurt, I didn’t understand, but I guess you had your reasons. Maybe I said the wrong things too. I don’t know if we should talk about this again. SH

  
I’m not so sure of my reasons anymore. But you may be right, perhaps we shouldn’t talk about that… I wanted to ask you something, though. About Harry’s situation.

  
Yes? SH

  
Did you… when you were using, did you hate Mycroft? Really thought what you might have said to him? You told me once you did several stays in various clinics…

  
You can’t hate - nor love - Mycroft. He’s just the most infuriating human being that this earth had ever carried. But my problems of addiction weren’t the worst of our relationship problems, if it can reassure you. SH

  
But when you were in withdrawal, when he forced you to go there, time after time… did you forgive him, later? And what were the worst of your problems with your brother? You never told me why you can’t stand each other, except that he thinks he’s the clever one, ha.

  
The clever one, the one who wants to protect me, always, and to control, everything. That’s unbearable. But for the withdrawal… I forgave him, yes, even if I have never told him. SH

  
Is it because he prevented you from killing Christian’s stepfather when you were still a child?

  
Yes. SH

  
So, this is what you never forgave him.

  
This was a very particular situation, John. Your sister will forgive you. SH

  
I hope so. But you, Sherlock, you were just a child. You do know if I had been at Mycroft’s place, I would have done the same, right? I would have killed that man for you.

  
You have already killed a man for me, to save my life, and it was… good. But to kill a man because I wanted to kill him? I don’t agree with that, John. I am not an angel, I have already done bad things in my life, stop treating me like a child! SH

  
I’m not! Yes you were a child at that time, but I know for a fact you’re not anymore, trust me! Though I don’t believe you did really bad things in your life, except to yourself.

  
Stop thinking I’m a bloody hero, John. SH

  
Stop reading my mind, then ;) But, Sherlock. You’ve turned out to be a good man, despite what you faced at a very young age. I’m the one who did bad things, you know. I went to war. And yes I killed that man, and I would do it again if it was necessary.

  
I’m not! I’m a cold rigid sociopath! And you did nothing bad, John. All of what you did, the war, the man you killed, it always was for someone you loved. You’re a very precious person, John. And I would kill for you, too. SH

  
Mmh. Yeah, of course you are, you adorable git. Thank you for your praise… And that’s a very generous offer, but I could not let you, Mycroft would kill me ;)

  
I’m not adorable… And I don’t care about Mycroft. I would do that for you, because I can’t imagine my life without you, now. SH

  
OK, you’re not. You’re not beautiful to look at, I never want to hug you when you’re frowning like a sneaky cat and your dimpled smile is ugly. There, satisfied? And, hmm. About the other thing you said. I couldn’t, either.

  
That’s… kind of you. Thank you, John. I think I feel better than this night. And you? SH

  
So do I. I’ve almost forgotten this shitty day, too. Thanks also for that, I guess.

  
When are you coming back…? SH

  
Tomorrow, I’ll take the 10:00 AM train, I suppose. Will you… be there?

  
I don’t know, maybe I will have a case, or maybe not. SH

  
Oh. Right. Anything I can help with?

  
Would you want to…? SH

  
Of course! It would be great to take off my mind of things, right now.

  
Well. I guess it would be easier to see each other with something to do, and not alone at home. SH

  
Really? So that’s how it’s gonna be, now? You can’t stand the idea of me in the same room as you? Are you… afraid of me, because of the things I said, or did… God, I should never have.

  
No! I’m not afraid of you. I just don’t want to see you embarrassed, I don’t want our relationship to become awkward and difficult when it was so simple and natural. SH

  
I wasn’t used to feel like that with someone. So fine, so myself. SH

  
Oh, Sherlock. I could tell you the same. You made me come back from the nightmare of the war that was slowly killing me, you gave me an aim, someone to care about, to admire and to protect… you saved me. Yet… I’m so sorry, but I’m not sure our relationship can simply go back to what it was before.

  
What? What does that mean? What will become of our relationship? SH

  
I don’t know. I… I think I want more from you.

  
What do you want? Sex? Just once? Is that what you want? SH

  
Is that a deal you’re offering to me? To satisfy the obsessed monster in me, haha. And then you will be rid of it? Well. Why not?

  
Well. OK. Fix a date. SH

  
Everything will return to normal between us, after that? SH

  
Fine. Tomorrow, at noon? And if that’s what you want, it will be, OK.

  
OK. So. See you tomorrow, at noon, at home, John. Take care of you… SH

  
You too.


	4. Chapter 4

Sherlock… are you OK?

  
And you? SH

  
Hmm. It doesn’t matter. I wasn’t the one hurt.

  
I’m not hurt. Not really. More… aching. SH

  
I’m sorry… I wanted to be gentler, I tried to… but.

  
Did you really want me that hard…? It was so surprising and… SH

  
I wanted you harder.

  
Did you restrain yourself? Did you appreciate it even so? SH

  
Yes and yes. You know how much I liked it, don’t you? You know everything. But I, don’t really.

  
What would you want to know? SH

  
Well, just if you enjoyed it, even a little… As you didn’t say much after, and when I woke up you were gone.

  
Should I remind you that you gave me an orgasm, John? SH

  
Yes. But you cried out in pain, too, and maybe I didn’t react as I should fast enough…

  
I heard that it is regular to suffer a little the first time. And, as I said, you didn’t really hurt me. SH

  
It’s just… when I opened the door with my bag and all and I saw you standing here so straight, with your shirt open, and the way you looked at me, as if you weren’t sure if you wanted to flee or to stay still, I… I stopped thinking. Well, it’s more about animal need than being civilized, surely not easy to understand… not really your area :) I guess what I’m trying to say is, sorry to have grabbed you like this and not really let you a choice…

  
I didn’t want to flee, John. I just didn’t know that sex could be… like that. SH

  
Like… what?

  
Like a real battle between two bodies which seem to want to disappear into each other. Like a real mess, with a lot of fluids of all sorts, with sweat and resilient smell on skin. Like a painful intrusion, and the urge of possessiveness. Like the bursting of brain and the frightening disintegration of all coherent thought in favor of a stupid and useless gigantic blank. SH

  
Wow, I… I never read such a vivid description of lovemaking. I should have known, coming from you, that it would be different from everything else. And it was.

  
Really, John? And how different was it, exactly? Was it better, easier with all your perfectly normal girlfriends, surely not fucked-up or afraid of sex? And how long has it taken for the heterosexual you are to regret this little forbidden experience? A few hours, or did you regret it immediately? SH

  
What?! I never implied such things! And why are you always referring to my female exes when I’m only talking about you? After all you’re the aesthete, the musician and art expert, the one in love with beauty and gracefulness, all notions that are quite far away from what I am! So, how come my girlfriends always come up between us, and never Irene fucking Adler?

  
Why are you talking about her? She has nothing to do with all this. SH

  
Yeah, yeah, I know, prohibited subject and all. She broke the cold genius’s heart, and I respected it, never said anything about it, so why would I start now? No reason at all. Drop it, Sherlock.

  
Don’t be more senseless than you already are, John. She broke my heart? I used her, and admired her intelligence and her skills, that was all. SH

  
That’s probably the reason why you kept playing sad violin songs for days after, and never wished to talk about it even when I tried to ask you how you felt. And before that, why I came back home that night and saw you two in front of the fireplace, and she had her hand in yours and you took it away, refusing to look at me. You think I didn’t notice this, even if I am that senseless?

  
I wasn’t holding her hand. I was taking her pulse. But I knew you would interpret my movement that way, as she did in fact. That’s why it was difficult to look at you at this moment. SH

  
But… wait, you… her pulse? And it was “difficult”, at that time? But it was last year, Sherlock! Why did you never say anything? You let me believe… I. I don’t understand.

  
Taking her pulse, yes, because she was falling in love with me, and I needed to check her sincerity - her feelings for me could become useful, and they did. But she was a very discerning person, too, as I saw it when you talked with her in this deserted factory. SH

  
You know, that’s strange, because when we were… together yesterday you were acting so innocent and spontaneous, especially when you were trapped below me, remember…? And I keep forgetting how manipulative your angel face can be. So you used her feelings back then? And now, what are you doing with mine? I’m kind of wondering here Sherlock, especially now that I learnt that you overheard our discussion at the factory, and what I might have said to her at that time, and you knew all along what I hadn’t realized yet myself!

  
You didn’t say anything very meaningful, you just stayed strangely quiet at one time. I don’t use your feelings, John. Never. It was useful with her because she was a case to solve, but you? And what does that mean, what hadn’t you realized yet? SH

  
I don’t remember well this conversation with Irene Adler. She was just an annoying pretty face. Well, none of that is important anymore, is it? I can see a drugstore from where I am sitting. Do you want me to buy you some ointment for your bruises?

  
John. Are we still good? Do you… Will you be home tonight? SH

  
I. Of course we’re good, Sherlock. But I’m not sure I’ll be home early. You should put something on the big one on your left hip, though. Early this morning I briefly woke up and noticed it on your pale skin, and when I brushed it with my fingers you winced in your sleep. I’m sorry.

  
Why not early? What are you planning to do? SH

  
I have some errands to make and maybe I’ll have a pint later at the pub. I don’t propose you, I know how much you loathe popular and noisy places like that!

  
If I had enjoyed that sort of activities, would you have proposed me? SH

  
Yeah, of course. I like being with you, didn’t you notice I follow you almost everywhere, you great detective?

  
I like being with you, too. SH

  
Do you? I wish you had been there in the bed this morning, just to see you after…

  
I couldn’t. SH

  
Oh. Did I suddenly repel you? Crept upon you in my sleep? Or did I smell bad? ☺

  
It was… too much. SH

  
OK.

  
Not good…? SH

  
You’re free, Sherlock. And I am too. What you pretended two nights ago was too much for me, and apparently just sleeping next to me is too much for you. It’s pretty clear to me.  
Except, I’m not sure to grasp the difference between shoving my dick in your mouth - OK, and sleeping with me - not OK. You should explain, one day.

  
And you should explain to me the difference between having sex with me, and pretty hard - OK, and that I am in love with you - not OK. You are the one who raised a barrier between sex and sentiment in the first place, not me. SH

  
You said it again… Sherlock, I can’t… answer this right now. I… I need to think. I shouldn’t have proposed you that deal, shouldn’t have forced you… I realize now I made you have sex with me without knowing about my feelings for you, just because I’m damn attracted to you. I was a selfish bastard. I still am, because I still want you… tonight, and tomorrow… I should shut the fuck up, right?

  
That’s pretty clear for me now that you just want to have a sex partner for gay experiences - may I suggest that it’s quite unusual from a pure heterosexual like you? Maybe you should question yourself on your preferences. In fact, I am not sure to be the right person for that - I was a virgin, I can’t teach you anything on the subject. SH

  
No, Sherlock, that’s not it. I’m straight and not interested in men. I’m not searching for any gay experiences. What I want, is… you. You’re a man, you haven’t got any experience and you don’t do relationship. You’re my contradiction. And I had you yesterday all night long, and maybe I told myself I would be cured after that. Turns out, I can’t think of anything else than you. The way you move is enough to arouse me. I can’t explain why, that’s just it.

  
So… This is not love, this is not a gay experience, this is just… sexual attraction…? If I was just in front of you now, what would you do? SH

  
I’d kiss you.

  
I don’t know where we are going with all this, John. I’m afraid to lose you, if we can’t come back to our previous situation. SH

  
What was the answer you expected from me to your last question, then? I don’t want to lose you either. It’s just… different, now.

  
Different how? Is it better or not? What will we do in the future if it doesn’t work, if you don’t want me either, will we just be friends again or will you run away? For God’s sake, I can’t even think! That’s excruciating. Come back home, John. Decide with me to forget all this. Please. SH

  
Sherlock. Sometimes, for all your genius, you’re still so young, you know that? And you’re so precious to me… but even for you, I can’t predict the future. All I can say it that you’re a little more to me than two days ago, and I can’t forget the emotions you gave me. I… can’t go home right away. I’ll see you later at the flat, right? You’ll be there?

  
Where are you and why can’t you come home right away? SH

  
I told you. Just drowning one pint or two at the pub.

  
Are you alone? SH

  
Yes.

  
But you’re waiting for someone. SH

  
Why would I? Damn, mate, can’t a lad enjoy his beer alone?

  
Because you never answer just “yes” to a text, so I could deduce from it that you were abnormally nervous on the subject. I can deduce too that you are waiting for someone I would disapprove of, otherwise you’d tell me, you usually like me to know what you are doing and with who. Why would I disapprove so much? Only two possible answers to this question: you’re waiting for Mycroft, or you’re waiting for a woman. Obviously I think it’s the second option - why would you want to inflict yourself an awful moment with my incredibly dull brother - so, you are waiting for a woman with whom you have a date, certainly to forget immediately what you did with me last night, and reassure yourself about your sexuality. SH

  
It’s not at all… wait. And what if that was true, damn it? I still have the right to have a life, or not? Or do I have to justify myself to you?

  
And stop constantly referring about my sexuality, for God’s sake!

  
So, if I understand you - and for once you’re pretty hard to understand, John, here - you want to have sex again with me, but to have a life too? You’re right. Have a wonderful date with I-don’t-know-which-stupid-pretty-blond, and I’m going to a pub, too. A gay one. I think I need more experience - on sex, on relationships, too. Don’t wait for me tonight, I’ll come back late - or accompanied. Maybe we could have sex together tomorrow? Do you want me to set up a new date? SH

  
Sherlock! Don’t you dare doing something that stupid, you hear me? You do not go alone to that kind of place, you have no idea what could happen to an innocent guy with a face like yours! You will stay put for once, and listen to me, OK? And don’t fucking take that tone with me. If I want to have sex with you, I don’t need a fucking appointment!

  
Really? Because it seems to me that it’s precisely what you need - an appointment, almost an excuse to do it! But don’t think that I’ll beg you. I’m going there, and stop treating me like a thoughtless virgin, I’m not that innocent! SH

  
After last night, I don’t believe I need an excuse, and if I wish you to beg, you will beg. I seem to recall someone endlessly moaning my name when I touched him a certain way, right? Don’t you think I could make you come again just as hard? If that’s a good fuck you’re searching for, I can give it to you. If you don’t, I’ll leave you alone. But, Sherlock, in any case… You. Will. Stay. Home.

  
You can’t do that to me. You just… can’t. SH

  
Do what? Trying to protect you? Feeling the violent need to take you again? I’m sorry, it seems I can’t stop any of that, even if it’s contradictory.

  
OK. I’ll stay home. Let me breathe, I feel… strange. SH

  
OK… thank you. I feel strange too, I must confess. You should know… I was going to meet Sarah, to try to talk about us. I may need advice of sort… But if you want, I can still cancel and… come home.

  
What kind of advice? Why? SH

  
Just to try to deal with… Jesus Sherlock, do you have to know everything?

  
Of course. And don’t be so offended. You just forbade me to leave our flat. SH

  
Alright… I just wanted to ask her a few questions, get an external opinion about what’s happening between us, you see…? I mean, I know I can be quite an insensitive twat sometimes and I thought having a female viewpoint could help me understand better your position… here, happy?

  
Happy that I love you and you not? Happy that you need a female viewpoint, as you say, to know if it’s a good idea to fuck someone you don’t love but who loves you, and who is your best friend, according to your own words? Happy to already know what that woman will say, to stop all this shit? Happy to know that you can’t come back to the previous situation, and so that we are trapped? Oh no, John. I’m not happy. I’m OVERJOYED. SH

  
I didn’t say that I don’t… fuck, you know what. But yes, if you put everything that way, I’m a real bastard and I played with your feelings, I used them to get you. So if that’s the truth - me, I’m still trying to understand myself, and you’re far cleverer than I am, aren’t you? - I don’t even know why you’re still talking to me. And excuse me for having dared to ask someone’s help. I do everything wrong lately, it seems, maybe Harry was right. Nevermind.

  
Our relationship has nothing to do with Harry. And you don’t do everything wrong, but yes I am exhausted by all that. I leave you in Sarah’s hands. See you later at home, I guess. SH

  
Sherlock…

  
You’re exhausted, too. SH

  
I am, but I’m responsible for both of us. I wish I could tell you what you expect… no, be who you expect me to be, but it’s becoming so complicated, my mind’s a mess and I can barely control my body, and it’s not like me, I don’t understand what’s happening… I’m so sorry, I’m not… enough, for you…?

  
That’s strange. Of course you’re enough for me. I am the one who can’t give the others what they expected. My mind is a mess, too. We should stop here, don’t you see? SH

  
In fact, Sherlock, you gave me way more than I ever expected from you, and I should consider myself lucky. Because yes, eventually, after the heat of the novelty has faded, you will realize I’m not nearly enough for the kind of man you are. I guess maybe I’ve tried to take advantage of what I could, while I could. Wanted to be… the first. Maybe you won’t understand this for now, but when time and experience pass, you’ll see. That’s why I can’t involve myself with you as you wish I would. That’s also why you can say so easily the three words to me, and I can’t. But in fact, in other ways I already did. So… see you later, I hope.

  
Control freak. SH

  
That’s rich, coming from you :p


	5. Chapter 5

Hey, Sherlock! You’re not in your room… Too bad, I hoped to see you, maybe you’re gone to a morning case, aha. God, I’m hammered. I spent the night with Sarah and guess who we talked about all along? Yes, you, you not-adorable git. I have… things to tell you. Among them, how stupid I’ve been, especially about my last texts. God, that woman loves insulting people… or maybe it’s just me? Anyway, I, I wanted to say… well, I think it would be easier if you were here in front of me. Or not. You coming? Or I can come…? Hmm. I’ll stop here that poor joke, huh? So, I guess what I’m trying to say is… call me back.

  
By the way, I love you.

  
What did you just write? Are you drunk? SH

  
Yep, drunk as a lord. Are you going to do something about it, Mr Holmes?

  
I waited for you part of the night. You didn’t come back. I wasn’t sure you really would. SH

  
But I told you I would, and I always keep my word, you know that. God I wish you were already here, I want to hold you… I’ve thought about this all the way home. About your face, your neck, your legs around me, and… other things.

  
What did Sarah tell you? You’re quite… different from yesterday. SH

  
Wow, you really suck at dirty talk, mate! Doesn’t matter, I’ll teach you ;) I don’t feel like talking about Sarah right now. Let’s just say she explained some things I didn’t grasp because I’m a badly-behaved dumb male. And gay. For you. That’s an actual expression, did you know? And also that it’s very rude not to say I love you back to your lover, even if that’s a guy, your long-time best friend and furthermore a gorgeous man.

  
So we are lovers…? SH

  
Well… I thought so, don’t you?

  
That wasn’t what you said yesterday. That wasn’t it at all. SH

  
No, indeed it wasn’t. But I had more time since, to think about it and to see my mistakes. I’m sorry for having been… like I was with you, that was not acceptable. Is it… too late?

  
Of course it’s not! I love you, I was the first of us to say it, and of course it’s still true, I just… I think I have made a huge mistake. SH

  
I love you too. God it’s so easy and obvious to tell you that, I don’t know why I hesitated so much… And yes, you were quite insufferable yesterday night but I’ve forgotten all the details, don’t worry so much. Will you be much longer? What’s the case about?

  
I am not on a case, John. SH

  
Oh? What are you doing outside at this hour, then? Going to church? Found God?

  
I don’t know what to say. I have never felt so… paralyzed my whole life. SH

  
Was it too much? I’m sorry, I always talk too much when I’m drunk… so, where are you? Want me to come fetch you?

  
I AM NOT ALONE, JOHN!! I made a mistake, can’t you understand? You were so… reticent, yesterday, what could I think? Damn it! SH

  
I’m sorry, what?

  
I am sorry. I thought… I thought you just wanted to have sex with me. And I thought I desperately needed experience in that field, if I didn’t want you to run away too soon. Is that clear enough for you? SH

  
You… you’re with someone else?

  
…Yes. SH

  
But I don’t love him. I don’t even like him. SH

  
I don’t believe you.

  
What? What is it you don’t believe? I swear to God he’s nothing to me. SH

  
I don’t believe that you went with a man, a stranger, wait… do I know him?

  
Of course not! SH

  
Who is he? Where did you meet him?

  
Why do you want to know that…? SH

  
Just tell me.

  
His name is Christian. I met him at the club. SH

  
You went to a club? After I told you not to? You met this scum at a club?

  
…Yes. I didn’t want to obey you, I was… angry. SH

  
You were… angry… So what, you went to a nightclub and seduced the first man you saw?

  
Not the first. And it was for experience, I didn’t… I didn’t know what you wanted, yesterday. I was lost. SH

  
Oh, not the first. Great. So for the sake of your little experience, you let him touch you? Dance with you? Kiss you? And then what, fuck you, too?

  
Not totally. SH

  
What do you mean not totally? Which part, Goddammit? Did he touch you or not? If he laid just a finger on you it’s already too much! Why, Sherlock, why did you do that to me? “For experience”, I don’t understand that bullshit! Was it to punish me? I can’t believe it, I can’t believe you’d do that to me! After one day, Sherlock, one day! Were these fucking three words you said to me so unimportant, so meaningless?

  
That’s precisely the opposite. They were too meaningful. I’m sorry, John. SH

  
Are you kidding me? You slept with another man because you loved me too much?

  
I slept with another man because I loved you, and that you didn’t seem to love me in return, and that I thought that I should learn some sex stuff to keep you… interested. SH

  
So, what did you learn, dear devoted detective? Tell me all about it, I’m curious.

  
John, please, I’m… I’m sorry… SH

  
What? You don’t want to tell me? Wasn’t it good? Granted, you didn’t “love” the man, but no doubt that will come, after one or two more fucks! After all, you loved me even before I had you. You’re not that difficult to get, in the end.

  
You’re not serious. Did you love all the women you fucked? Didn’t you tell me, yesterday, that you wanted to fuck me, but talking about love was too much for you? Love and sex are different things, you’re quite aware of that. And you’re the only person in all my life that I both love and had sex with. I made a big mistake. I don’t know what to do now. SH

  
No, I didn’t love them all. And I don’t want to be the only whatever in your life. So, two days ago the virgin, then the lover, and now the serial fucker? You’re fast, mate, but I already knew that, didn’t I? Fuck off now, go play with your boyfriend again.

  
He’s not my boyfriend. Don’t go, John, please. I’m leaving, I’m coming back. Please, wait. SH

  
You… You’re still with him, now?

  
I… was leaving when you texted me… SH

  
So you spent the night at his place? You slept next to him?

  
No. No! I went to the club very late. I’ve been in his house only for two hours and forty minutes, I swear. I didn’t sleep tonight. SH

  
Two hours and forty fucking minutes, that’s precise. Everything that two people can do in that amount of time… did you enjoy it? Was he patient with you, or rough? Rougher than me? Was he measuring his luck to have brought back the little prize of the night, or did he just want to bruise you? Did he make you cry out? Now you can compare, like in your precious experiments! How nice.

  
I didn’t really enjoy it. I felt lost and useless most of the time. It wasn’t a very good experience. Stop trying to imagine how it was with so much details, John… That’s not a good idea. SH

  
He hurt you?

  
No! But it didn’t really… work, for me. It was like my mind kept obstructing the process which is, yet, very mechanical. That’s strange. But I learnt some things I could do, John. He seemed to enjoy what I did. It means that I could do that to you, and that you would enjoy it, too. I would like to try. I would like to be good, I would like… I just wanted to learn how to fuck you, how to make my best, I wanted you to stay… SH

  
Not good at all, I guess… SH

  
You whored yourself just to please me? God, Sherlock, even for you that’s completely sick. So you learned some things, good for you. Hope you’ll find other subjects to practice on. I learned too how to fuck a man lately, and I’m not interested anymore.

  
Please, don’t do that. Don’t tell me that. You wanted me to beg you? That’s done. I’m begging. Please. Forgive me. SH

  
You, don’t do that. Don’t use these weapons against me, not when you’re still smelling of another man’s come. God. I can’t Sherlock, I… the mere idea makes me feel sick and light-headed… I just can’t. My head hurts, I need to… be away. Let me be. Go home, or wherever you like, OK? I’ll see you later.

  
What do you think I was feeling all the times you were fucking your girlfriends in our flat, just above my head? I am sorry, John. What could I say? SH

  
We hadn’t slept together, then. Hadn’t said I love you. Things changed between us, but only for a very short time. I told you that I loved you, while you were in another person’s bed. There’s not much more to say. I’m sorry, Sherlock.

  
Don’t go, John, please. I don’t know if I can live without you. SH

  
I know I can’t. And at the moment I deeply regret it.

  
John. I made a mistake. You hadn’t yet said you loved me, I thought I was alone, trapped in this unbearable web of sentiments, I didn’t know what to do, and as always, I chose the worst. I am sorry and I hope that, if I messed up our new relationship, I haven’t totally lost you as a friend. I love you, but I can’t keep you against your own will. Please, take care of you. I will be home when you’ll come back - if you do. SH

  
I’ll always be your friend, Sherlock. Take care, too. Don’t wait for me.


	6. Chapter 6

Hi, Sherlock, it’s Mike. Well, I’m a bit annoyed to bother you but I don’t know what to do… John showed up in my place three hours ago. He was very very drunk, I mean, I had never seen him like that and you know he likes… nevermind. And he was covered in blood, because obviously he had a fight with some blokes in a pub. He refused to go to the hospital so I took care of him. He just has some bruises and the eyebrow arch smashed, that explained all the blood on his face, you see. Now he feels better, but he has a bad hangover, and when I tried to know why he messed up like this, he refused to talk. You’re his best friend, right? Can you do something? Thanks.

  
John? SH

  
What?

  
Are you OK? You didn’t give any news. SH

  
Perfectly fine. Were you expecting any?

  
Yes. I was worried. SH

  
Oh. No need to be. I’m having a wonderful day. You?

  
Don’t be that cynical, that’s my area, not yours. I’m spending a very shitty day. SH

  
You’re right. So we both are. I bet mine is worse, though.

  
Bet? Why, John? Did something happen? SH

  
Nothing, just a bad hangover. I’m fine.

  
Will you come back soon, then? SH

  
Yeah, I guess so. If I see you at the flat later, don’t be surprised, I bruised my face a little. I fell on the stairs in a pub. Must have down one pint too many. But maybe you’re not home…

  
So you really drank a lot. Are you hurt more seriously than a few bruises? I’m home, John. I would like you to be too. SH

  
Yep, I did. And no, mainly a sore spot above my eye. I’ll come back later, OK? I don’t feel much like walking, right now. So, bad day? Troubles in paradise with your new friends?

  
I don’t have friends, John, I’ve got just one. And all this shit is more hell than paradise. SH

  
Relationships suck.

  
Yeah. Chemical defect, human error, blabla. SH

  
“Blabla”? Really? What happened to you, were you brainwashed?

  
Heartwashed would be a better term, I presume. SH

  
Hey. Who are you and where’s my Sherlock?

  
Am I yours? Really? I love that. Are you my John, too? SH

  
Sherlock… this was a figure of speech. And may I remind you that you’re not only mine anymore… you made me share, remember?

  
Come here and you’ll see if I’m not entirely yours. Come and mark me, Captain John Watson. I’m waiting for you. SH

  
Don’t force yourself, mate. Doesn’t work.

  
You want to play that game? What did you say last time, that I wasn’t good at dirty talk? Do you want me to try harder? SH

  
Is that your way of trying to be forgiven? Drop it, Sherlock. I only play that kind of games with willing partners. That’s so not you, I don’t buy it for a second.

  
You really think that I don’t want to make love to you? That I don’t desire you? I starve for your body, John. I staaaarve. SH

  
Excuse me? Are you high or fucking kidding me? I’m not laughing here.

  
I’m deadly serious, too. SH

  
Really?

  
Really really. SH

  
So what, you dumped this Christian for me?

  
Christian? He’s dead a long time ago, mate. Why do you talk about him? SH

  
I… I wasn’t talking about him. I would never… I was referring to the guy you picked up last night at the club. Wasn’t his name Christian too?

  
Oh, yes, it was. I think. I don’t really remember. Doesn’t matter, does it? SH

  
You ask me if the second guy you fucked in your life matters? Well, maybe it should, to you. What it will be when you come to the ninth or tenth, I wonder.

  
There is only one man on earth I want to fuck, John. SH

  
God, Sherlock, that’s so sappy. Is it your plan to reconquer me? Because it viciously lacks of subtlety.

  
Oh, so you like subtlety…? It didn’t seem so, to me… SH

  
That’s a low blow…

  
Come on, John! I was joking. Why don’t you want to come back to me, to laugh with me, to have sex with me…? SH

  
I liked that joke. And I like how I forget all about subtlety when I see you in a certain state… but I can’t, right now. It’s not just that I look like shit, it’s just… too soon.

  
OK. Fair enough, I guess. What should I say, now? Goodbye John, see you later? You’re not home, you’re not coming back, I’m alone in this place which is made for both of us. SH

  
No… I guess you don’t have to say this.

  
I fucking don’t understand what does that mean. Maybe I’ll sleep a little. I feel exhausted. SH

  
OK… You’re fast to change your mind.

  
Nope. But obviously, I can’t stop to mess up with you. It gives me a headache. HH

  
I’m sorry to give you a headache, HH. That’s a first! You must have drunk quite a lot last night. Hope it was worth the hangover.

  
For God’s sake, John!! I fucking don’t care about that bloody guy! He doesn’t matter, don’t you see? How many times should I say I’m sorry? Fucking unbearable human beings, all so complicated, that’s unbearable. How do normal people manage to have friends and relationships? That blows my mind.

  
Wow… you’re swearing, now? And no signature? Why are you like this? It’s almost as if you were another person…

  
I don’t see why you say that. I’m perfectly normal. Even if I’ve never been normal, in fact. That’s quite funny, isn’t it? SH

  
Sherlock. Did you take something at this club?

  
No. SH

  
No, what? Not in the club, maybe after, with this fucker? Are you sure? Because you don’t make much sense, right now.

  
I always make sense. I am the logic itself. That’s why you love me, no? You said you love me. That’s… unbelievable. I can’t understand why someone like you can love someone like me.

  
Your last words… That’s… that’s precisely what I said to you when we were fucking. Why are you telling me this now? Sherlock. You have to tell me what’s going on!

  
Because I mean it, John. You’re a beautiful person. I don’t deserve you. SH

  
Sherlock, what did you do?

  
Nothing. Nothing! SSSSH

  
What was it, damn it? Who gave it to you? Answer, now!

  
Innocent, innocent lovely John. Why should someone had given something to me…? I’m a grown man! SH

  
Oh God. Oh, no. Not this. Please, tell me I’m wrong!

  
Hmmmm. I guess I have to say I’m sorry again, am I right? I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. It could be a song these last hours….! SH

  
No, no, no. Is it a game for you? I don’t care about your excuses, I only care about you! It’s been years, what have you done? One dose is enough to make you an addict again, you know that as well as I do! God, you could die, oh God… How much did you take? Where did you find it? How much time passed? And I was stupidly flirting with you while you were injecting this shit in you?! Sherlock, I won’t ever be able to forgive you that!

  
I… It’s nothing, it was just a little fix, I won’t become an addict, I never did, not truly. It’s good for my brain, and my heart today. Very good. And you didn’t want to flirt with me, I was flirting but you were not, wasn’t very nice of you, if you want my opinion.

  
And stop telling me you can’t forgive me. It just gives me the desire to rip my ribcage with my own hands. Is that what you want? The heart is not a very beautiful thing to see, you know. Nothing to do with the ridiculous item normal people draw when they’re in love. SH

  
Fuck. Can’t you see you’re on denial? Incoherent and confused? I’m a doctor, don’t you believe I’ve had my share of addicts… not to mention my own sister? I know all too well what disastrous risks you’ve just taken! Listen, you have to stay still and awake. Are you shaking, light-headed? Do not doze off, you hear me? I’m coming right now. And what’s this nonsense about your heart?

Don’t you dare do anything to yourself, Sherlock, I’m deadly serious here. Don’t you fucking touch one single hair of your head, let alone your heart, OK? I… I understand now, and I’m sorry, OK? No matter what you did last night, I was an asshole to you, I had no right to treat you like I did. Please don’t leave me now. Wait for me. Please…?

  
You’re just having mercy on me. You’re telling me all these beautiful words just to stop me from doing something stupid. I don’t agree with that, John. I’ve been very serious with you these last days, very honest. Don’t you dare lying to me. SH

  
I know you’re serious. I am too. And I’m not lying. You’re very precious to me and I’ve mistreated you. I’ll make it up for you, I promise. Tell me, what are you doing? Stay with me, tell me everything you want, OK? I’m listening.

  
Don’t come, John, please. I don’t want you to see me like that. Leave me alone for a while, I’ll be fine. SH

  
You’re kidding, right? I don’t care how you look like, and no, I’ll certainly not leave you alone while you may be overdosing on heroin! And you’re not going to be fine… not in a long while, we both know it, you as a previous addict and me as a doctor and a brother.

  
For God’s sake, can’t you stop overreacting like this? I’m not overdosing. SH

  
I hope not. But you relapsed. I’m not going to explain how addiction works to you, right? God… I don’t understand why you did this to yourself, after years of sobriety… You didn’t tell me how you found the dose? Please, tell me. I have to know.

  
I know a lot of people, John. All sorts of people. An old friend of my acquaintance, that’s all. Why does it matter? SH

  
You stayed in touch with a dealer? And you never told me anything about it?

  
Wasn’t in touch with him, I just knew how to contact him if necessary SH

  
If necessary…? What does this fucking mean, Sherlock?

  
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can’t think. Should stop this talk now. SH

  
No! Sherlock. Stay with me. Don’t go to sleep, not now. Answer me, OK? Is it the first time you relapsed since we met? Or did you take a fix without telling before, and if yes, when? I’ll need this info for the medical staff.

  
Just for the medical staff? It’s the first time since we met. SH

  
Not just for them. For me, too. Please, tell me why you did this. Is it… my fault?

  
Of course not. I’m not that stupid. Are you on your way? Because I don’t want you to come back home now. SH

  
Then why, Sherlock? Why do something so dangerous, and so painful for both of us? And I’m sorry if you don’t even want to see me right now, but I can’t let you like this, I just can’t, don’t you understand why? Wouldn’t you do the same for me?

  
I’m trying! I’m trying to do the same but you won’t let me, you’re not even telling me you’re injured! SH

  
What? What are you talking about? You’re the one in danger, not me!

  
So tell me who, between you and me, has a smashed eyebrow arch? SH

  
How… fuck, how come you’re high and still know everything, especially when it comes about me? OK, I admit I was hurt last night but I’m fine now. It’s not me we should worry about. Don’t change the subject!

  
I’m sorry, John. I didn’t want to worry you. SH

  
Really? Because it’s been a spectacular fail until now. But… I’m not that innocent either. I should have told you about tonight, but I was… angered. Was it Mike? He left earlier, maybe he was afraid of my reaction, I really don’t understand why! I’m a quiet fellow, normally.

  
A quiet fellow, are you joking? Yeah, it was him. And I’m pretty sure you’re angry with him right now. So, tell me now John. What happened to YOU? SH

  
No I’m not joking! Well… except when it comes to specific topics, I guess. So… if I tell you what happened, will you promise to wait for me?

  
Tell me, John. Please. SH

  
So you promise?

  
I can’t. I can’t see you now, John. I’ll stay here, at home, but don’t come, please. Stay at Mike’s, just for some hours. Would you do that for me? SH

  
I… I already left. But I can wait somewhere. Why don’t you want me to see you? I could just check up your vitals, and stay with you until we’re sure you won’t overdose. And then… we’d talk about measures to take. It would be the best course for you, now.

  
I don’t want to talk about measures, Jesus, let me die in peace!

  
What? Why are you telling me this? How do you feel? Oh God, I’m almost there, hang on, Sherlock, please don’t do this to me, stay up, please

  
John, I was joking, I just want to be alone, can’t you understad tha? SH

  
John.

  
John?

  
John if you come here, I’ll take another fix. SH

  
You’re not serious…?

  
I’m exhausted John, by the last days and hours. Just… you should. I don’t know. I can’t see you now, with your hurt and accusing look. I just can’t. SH

  
You would use again just to not see me? Wow. That’s… that’s a first for me. So. I’ll go somewhere else. Take care of yourself.

  
John. Please, I… I don’t know how to fix all the shit of these last hours. I feel so lost. SH

  
I feel lost, too. And guilty. If I hadn’t touch you, that night a long time ago, maybe you wouldn’t have gone to that club, slept with a stranger, and relapsed with heroin. It seems I’m useless to the people I care about.

  
John. You’re bleeding, love. SH

  
Doesn’t matter. I don’t feel anything. Thank you anyway for caring…

  
Did this Mike really do something to take care of your eye…? That looks pretty bad! SH

  
He stitched me up the best he could with me being quite drunk and jittery. It was fine, but I shouldn’t have run. Don’t worry, it’s not as bad as it looks. You should see the other guy.

  
Quite drunk, hmm? Hmm. What did that bloke tell you? SH

  
Bullshit stuff. You don’t want to know.

  
I do.

  
Well, you probably already figured it out anyway, right? He and his friends recognized me from the newspaper. They were quite friendly, and I didn’t like it. And then, they mentioned you.

  
What does that mean, they were quite friendly? And what did they say about me? SH

  
Well, they were the manly, macho kind. I never liked that sort of guys, always talking in the locker rooms about girls like they were pieces of meat. And they were disrespectful about you.

  
How disrespectful, John? And why did it matter to you? SH

  
Damn, you really wanna know? They said you had a reputation to say mean and pretentious things. They wanted to know if you used that mouth so well on dicks too. If you liked to suck me after exciting cases. I saw red and I punched one or two of them before they managed to grab me. And why did it matter to me? I don’t know, maybe I should just have said yes, considering what you were doing a few hours earlier! Is it enough, or do you want more?

  
… You didn’t like it when I sucked you off. I was very bad at it. Don’t lie to me, I saw it. SH

  
By the way, I can see that you’re still quite ashamed that somebody could think that we are together - a couple. Why does it bother you so much not be the perfect little heterosexual to the others? SH

  
It’s… not the subject here!

  
What? They were insulting and scornful, and I had to defend you! It doesn’t have anything to do with the way I see myself, I don’t need their appreciation at all! Not yours either, by the way!

  
I don’t care about what people think or do, John. And I don’t like seeing you bleeding on the pavement because you, you care too much about that. SH

  
Yes, I do care. No one will speak ill of you in front of me. A smashed eyebrow doesn’t matter, if I set these fuckers right. And if I’m here on the pavement as you say, in front of my own house, it’s not because of them.

  
I can’t face you right now, John. But don’t stay here like this, please… SH

  
OK. I’ll walk away now.

  
John? I know all this doesn’t make much sense, but… I love you. I really, truly, deeply love you. SH

  
I believe now you sincerely think that, despite the heroin effect. Yet when you’re down you don’t want me. It’s OK, I respect your wish. Please take care of yourself, Sherlock.


	7. Chapter 7

I’m home. Tell me you’re not in a drug den… hope you’re alright.

  
I’m fine. And you? SH

  
Better than yesterday. A good sleep heals almost everything, including a hangover and various bruises. And you? How is the withdrawal? I wish you’d come home… I’d like to examine you, if you let me.

  
I’m glad you’re better… I feel… It’s more difficult than I thought. I’m walking. I was thinking of you. SH

  
Sherlock… I’m thinking of you too. I’ve been thinking of you since I woke up. Won’t you please come home? I’ll take care of you, as I did many times before, remember? No questions asked.

  
OK, I’ll… I come back. But I’m far, I need some time. Are you… waiting for me? SH

  
I’m always waiting for you, you know that… Where did you go? Did you sleep? You could have stayed in the flat, since I was not there…

  
I left the flat some… some hours ago, I think. SH

  
Fuck… you can’t do that when you’re in this state, do you want to kill me in worry? You have the survival instinct of a lemming! What if you collapsed in the street, alone?

  
I miss you. SH

  
Damn, I miss you too, you git. I miss to see you, to talk to you…

  
Will we fight again? Have a new argument? Why must it be like this, when I wanted so much to see our relationship grow the way it grows? SH

  
God, I don’t know, Sherlock. We really fucked up, you and I, didn’t we? I suppose we’ll have other arguments, given both our characters… but I’m sure of one thing, I don’t want you to be out of my life. Not now, not before… not ever.

  
Thank you, John. I want to keep you, too… At the beginning, I thought I couldn’t, I thought I would let you go one day, but now… I have hope. SH

  
Why did you think that? I’m not going anywhere. But you have to promise me something.

  
I’m not very good at promises, John, but I can try. SH

  
I know that. And the one I’m asking for is particularly hard to give, but it’s essential, for you, for us. Promise me not to use drugs again. Even when you crave for it, even when you hurt not to have it - we both know how it works, don’t we? But I can’t see you becoming an addict as you once were, do the things you’d have to do, what Mycroft told me about your past. Come to me when it’s unbearable, and we’ll figure it out, together. Do you think you could manage that?

  
What did Mycroft tell you?? And that’s a very difficult promise, John, maybe an impossible one. Can you promise to always stay with me? Especially with the mess of these last days? Can you promise that, you? SH

  
I… He told me a long time ago, when… don’t be mad at him. I needed to know that, right? Needed all the elements about you, especially the ones you never told me. The times when he found you unconscious in drug dens, beaten and bloody. The overdoses. I just didn’t know about Christian at the time, he kept that from me. I’m sorry to stir these painful memories now, but do you understand why it’s so important? And… I spent years dealing with Harry’s addiction, and it destroyed both of us, as well as our relationship. If you use again… how could I give you the promise you’re asking me?

  
I am tired of those who are always plotting against me! SH

  
Don’t be childish, Sherlock! “Those”, as you say, are the ones who love you, sometimes against your will!

  
Nobody loves me. Nobody CARES. That’s not how the world turns. I’m a high-functioning sociopath, do you remember? SH

  
Stop this. How can you still believe that nonsense, after what your brother did for you, year after year? After everything that happened between us, since the beginning? You think I reacted that way to your little one-night-stand with another man because I don’t care? That I had a bar fight about you because I don’t care? That I’m dying of worry with the drugs because I don’t fucking love you?

  
John… I’m not a good match for you. I can’t give anything else to other people than this: worry, angst and pity. You should… you should run away, you know that. You’re not very logical. SH

  
You clearly have no idea of what you give me. And I don’t care about logics, not my area.

  
Well, it’s mine, and I want you to be happy. SH

  
Stop using and I’ll be happy.

  
OK. I swear I’ll do my best not to use again. SH

  
You just made me more than happy. I trust you, Sherlock. You’re a strong and reliable human being, much more than you think. You can cure yourself… you cured me, back when I was a depressed bordering suicidal ex-soldier… ;)

  
How could you be suicidal? I don’t understand why someone like you isn’t surrounded by a lot of good people. You would deserve it, so much love. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. SH

  
I’m surrounded by you.

  
I… don’t even know what to answer. I don’t deserve you. SH

  
Don’t be stupid, it doesn’t suit you, mate.

  
John. John, John, John. Sometimes I just write your name everywhere on the walls of my mind palace. John. SH

  
God, Sherlock… that’s the sweetest thing I ever heard you say. In fact… that anyone has ever told me, I think. Damn, I was so dumb not to say it right back to you, a few days ago… I love you.

  
Did you forgive me? SH

  
I… yes, I did.

  
You hesitated… SH

  
Well… yeah. But I’m trying to, really.

  
I’m sorry, John. And I’m sorry, too, because… I’m lost. I don’t know where I am. I feel… scared. SH

  
Sherlock? Stay focused, please. What do you see around you? A station, a street name? I’m coming to get you, OK?

  
I… I don’t know. Blocks of flats, houses. All the same. I don’t recognize anything. Grey sky. I’m cold. Where is my coat? SH

  
You went out without your coat? What are you wearing? It’s freezing out there! Damn it, Sherlock! Go immediately in a shop and give my number to the owner, I’ll find you there!

  
I think I had it when I left the flat… I must look for it. I can’t let it behind. SH

  
No! Sherlock, stop where you are and do what I say. You’re delusional… God, how long were you, since we started to talk…? Nevermind. Please don’t do anything stupid, I’ll find you, OK?

  
No! No John please stay in the flat, please stay home. It’s awful these last days how we always miss each other, we don’t manage to see each other, all is so messed up, don’t you see? It makes me sick. I feel sick. SH

  
You’re not making any sense. I want to see you, now. Sherlock, breathe. Everything will be alright, I promise… if you just let me examine you. Sherlock?

  
… John…? SH

  
I can’t stand the idea of anything happening to you. Let me call your brother, please? He’ll be able to locate you…

  
I’ve loved you since the first time I’ve seen you, John. The first time.

  
Sherlock? Please stay with me! I… I love you too, so much…. tell me you’re alright…

  
Blast in my mind palace blood on the walls everywhere squeals like nails on blackboard dead flowers growing growing out of the doors and the windows brother mine silent in his Diogenes Club where is John Redbeard is

  
God, Sherlock… OK. Go to another room. Listen, remember my voice. Focus on my eyes. Do you see them? Feel the quietness, the peace. Everything’s fine, I’m here…

  
horrible terrific maze red moon red as blood voice of John somewhere tired of the pain need some more

  
No! No, Sherlock, listen again, you can hear me. I’m in the room filled with sunlight, come join me. Good, right? Sit next to me, near the window. All is peaceful, all is fine. My hand’s in your hair, look at my eyes on you. What color, Sherlock?

  
… blue… beautiful

  
You’re the one beautiful. I’m whispering to your ear everything I didn’t tell before. Everything you want. I’m yours. You just have to stay with me.

  
keeeep me with y

  
Sherlock, no! Stay with me, don’t go! Some men are coming, they are friends. Don’t be afraid, don’t fight them, OK? I’ll be here soon… I promise.


	8. Chapter 8

For God’s sake, where are you John??? SH

  
Sherlock? Are you well? You didn’t receive any of my calls and texts?

  
What…? Bloody Mycroft!!! I’ll kill him. SH

  
Well… maybe he was right. You should rest… Just, tell me… how do you feel? The withdrawal…?

  
I’ve been perfectly fine for ages, I don’t understand why I had to stay at the hospital. And you? SH

  
It’s only been five days, Sherlock. You must just start to breathe again. Tell me how bad it was.

  
Tell me how you are. SH

  
I’m fine. Just feeling… a little bit helpless, I guess. Do they treat you well in this hospital? Has Mycroft come to see you?

  
They were all incredibly stupid. I hadn’t my doctor with me. SH

  
Oh… so he didn’t talk to you. I’m sure you had the best medical team. You’ve been insufferable, right?

  
I hate Mycroft. It was boring to death. SH

  
Don’t hate him because he cares about you. He really does, you know. And I don’t believe you. It wasn’t boring, it must have been awfully painful. But I understand that you don’t wish to talk about it. Yet you did the worst part, it will be easier now… don’t do anything foolish, OK?

  
John… I’m not really… out. Would you help me? SH

  
What do you mean? Do you still hurt? Have you told the doctors? There are painkillers…

  
I mean I’m not out of this bloody hospital yet, please come here immediately and help me out!!! SH

  
Oh, Sherlock… no, I won’t do that. If they keep you it’s because you need it. Need to be… monitored, in order not to relapse. You know that well, don’t you? Let me guess, he put some bodyguards near your room? And how did you manage to get this phone?

  
John, I can’t stay here longer, I just can’t. It’s intolerable. Of course there were bodyguards, but so easy to fool them. It’s the phone of a nurse. I won’t keep it, I just wanted to talk to you. SH  
I’m sorry to hear you’re unhappy, Sherlock… but they keep you for a reason, you know that. You… you relapsed after years of being clean, the next days will be the most critic… we can’t take the risk. And you shouldn’t have stolen this phone, yet… maybe you can keep it for a while, yeah?

  
I don’t understand why they took mine, why I couldn’t talk to you. You’re my doctor, not my dealer, for God’s sake! It doesn’t make sense. SH

  
I… It’s complicated, Sherlock…

  
What’s going on, John? Tell me. I don’t really remember the few hours before my hospitalization, that’s so infuriating. SH

  
You… you don’t? You had wandered in the street alone, in the cold, without your coat – Mycroft’s men found it near a bin. We were texting and at one point you became… incoherent, feverish. The pain of withdrawal had made you retreated deep into your mind palace. I tried to make you come back… almost succeeded. I was sick with worry, had no idea of where you were, so I… decided to call Mycroft, with Mrs Hudson’s phone while I kept you online. I knew he’d be able to locate you with your own. Thank God they found you quickly, laying in an alley. You had a fever, you were delirious, severely deprived of food and sleep… It was like in the past, Mycroft said. He… didn’t like it. And I didn’t, either.

  
Oh. Seemed to be pretty bad. I am sorry, John. SH

  
No, I am the one sorry. You just need to keep becoming better, OK? To fight the urge. You have help for this. Don’t give up, you’re so… important.

  
I would like to come back in time, some days ago… It seems to me I haven’t seen you for ages. I miss you. Every atom of my painful body misses you. Please… Come and help me to leave this horrible place. I hate it. SH

  
No, you don’t really want that. But… I miss you too, you know. And I can’t.

  
Why? Why wouldn’t I want that? And why can’t you? SH

  
Because, Sherlock, this last week has been a living hell for you, and you almost died. And it’s all related to me. My fault. What conclusions can you draw from this?

  
That we shouldn’t have left - ever - your bedroom, where I spent the happiest hours of my life. SH

  
Please… don’t talk about this.

  
Why? Was it so unpleasant for you? SH

  
It’s the contrary.

  
So… Why can’t we talk about it? You’re being illogical. SH

  
I. God, it’s hard. I find it difficult, that kind of things…

  
Are you trying to tell me that we won’t talk about it again, ever…? So, we just… remain friends, as before? Is that what you want? SH

  
No, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I mean… that maybe we should… spend time… apart. Until you’re better, until you’ve sorted out what’s going on in your life… Your life that I messed up, bad.

  
I perfectly know what’s going on in my life, and you didn’t mess anything. If you don’t want to live in the flat with me anymore, find a better excuse. SH

  
Sherlock… don’t be cruel. I’m trying to do the right thing, even if it hurts like hell.

  
So I am the one who’s cruel, not you… Are you fucking kidding me? SH

  
I wish I was. Just… talk to your brother. I’m sorry.

  
Why?? Tell me now what is going on, John or I swear I’ll find a way to leave this hospital and just vanish in the streets! SH

  
Nothing! Nothing’s going on, I just… had a talk with Mycroft and… realized some things. I think you need to be freed of certain kind of obsessions.

  
Oh you realized some things? Which one please? I don’t have the time to play at the little game of deductions you love to watch me play. SH

  
Damn it, Sherlock, you’ve decided to be the most wounding possible, that’s it? Well, I’ll be more specific if that’s what you want. In only a matter of a few days, you’ve had sexual intercourse with two men including a stranger, evoked your childhood’s trauma for the first time in your adult age, started to use heroin again, and almost died of pneumonia due to an erratic and extremely worrying behavior. And what’s the common factor of all this? Me. I caused this. I’m responsible. And you don’t even see it, because you’re obsessing about me. I should have been the responsible one. I wasn’t. I put you in danger, constantly. And I’m not talking about cases, here.

  
Damn Mycroft!! What did he tell to you? That I was a child, a lonely boy who didn’t know what was good for himself? Stop treating me as a child, John! You’re one of the few people to have seen me as a normal human being, why is it different now? Because I told you that I loved you? That’s so unfair!! SH

  
No, he didn’t. He said you were a man who never learnt how to love without hurt. And he only asked me why I felt guilty. I had time to think about it, all the while nobody had access to you. He did that cleverly, if I had been at your bedside I would have been too anguished to be able to think properly. Now I did. And I’ve come to the conclusion that you need my absence to be better. Safer.

  
Bloody hell, John!! What do you think I was doing before you came? I was a fucking lonely junkie, John, hating everyone! Ask Mycroft, ask Gavin! You can’t think I was better before. You can’t. SH

  
Yeah… it’s true you became better when we met, and for a while it was… good, for both of us. But then after I let these other feelings take all the space, and I used you, I didn’t think about preserving you. I… fell in love with you, and that was my biggest mistake. Look where it led you.

  
You can’t tell that, John. You can’t… I was so happy to know that you loved me too, you can’t take it back… You’re hurting me far more than all we did these last days, you’re… You’re breaking my heart. Please, don’t… SH

  
Sherlock… don’t be like that, please, don’t cry, try to understand… I’m not taking it back, I couldn’t even if I wanted to… but I’m offering you a way to heal, to safety. And this goes without me, whatever my feelings for you.

  
My only way to be healed is to be with you John, how can’t you see that??? SH

  
No, Sherlock, I can’t. I can’t be both the poison and the cure. You, can’t you see it? It’s killing me slowly, but I have to do this. I have to be away from your life, for a while at least. You’ll have people around you, who’ll tend to you. I’ll take care of myself.

  
I don’t need people, I need you. You said you would always be there for me!! You promised!! Did you lie?? SH

  
I also said that I wanted to protect you. Fine job I did, huh? How much did you hurt these last five days? Why did you accept to be fucked by someone you didn’t love, let alone know? Why did you allow yourself to risk death in a frozen street, while you were texting precisely to me? Why, Sherlock??

  
Because I desperately love and want you! Listen John I know I’m bad at this stuff, very bad, but I sincerely love you, why doesn’t it count? We can do better than these last days, John. Give us time, give us another chance. I beg you. SH

  
Yeah… precisely because of that. Can’t you see it? God, I wish I was dead right now, because you just killed me. You’re not bad at this stuff, I am. I can’t do this anymore. I need to let you go.

  
No, John, no no no, please…

  
Sherlock, don’t do that. Don’t beg. You know the extent of your power on me… even though my decision has been made for a while now. Perhaps… perhaps I could see you one last time before I move out? I know it’s not a good idea, but I so need to see your face, just once…

  
Yes please I want to see you I can’t live without you stay with me please

  
Hey. Hey, love, calm down, please… take a deep breath, will you do that for me? You’re panicking, but I promise it will be easier when some time has passed. You’ll come to hate me, then, you’ll forgive me, and then you won’t care. Shh, love, it hurts so much because it’s the first time. You’ll see. Everything will be alright… you’ll be happy again. You deserve it.

  
Is that how it will be for you? You’ll hate me, then don’t care at all? SH

  
No, because I’m the one leaving even though I still love you. I won’t recover from it like you. But that’s my problem. And you… you’ll be safe. I’m sorry to have to do this like this, but I couldn’t hide it from you much longer, could I?

  
That’s your problem? Oh, you really think that’s your problem if you won’t recover from it? Very well, John, kill both of us with your brilliant idea, wonderful! I will look for a bit of morphine, I’m in a hospital after all, I should find it without too much difficulty. SH

  
Sherlock. Don’t. Nobody will be killed, OK? That’s just… what it is. I can’t let you wreck your life much more than I already did. You need balance. You need peace. I’m not either of these things for you, or not anymore. You’re smart, you’ll understand in time… And don’t go near any morphine or the likes… or I’ll have to warn your brother, and he’ll take away this phone. Maybe it’s what you want…

  
I HATE YOU. SH

  
OK, John, I don’t care about all this, you’re right, let us become friends again, like before. Is that OK for you? Just friends. SH

  
I’m your friend. I can’t stop being your friend, you’re all my… nevermind. Let’s just say your friend has to leave for a while, now. And let you take back your life. And… I know you don’t really hate me, don’t be sad afterwards when you think about this text you sent me. I know, Sherlock. I know how difficult this is… I do hate myself, and this is purely the truth.

  
So there is nothing I can say to keep you? SH

  
I’m so sorry, so, so, so sorry. Please, one day, try to forgive me.

  
I don’t know what to answer. I don’t know what to say. Why do you want me to keep this phone after that? I feel as I could discard myself in a bin. SH

  
And I feel like hurting the most precious jewel in the world. Life sucks, right? Anyway, you’re right I’ll… leave you alone now. Just… if you want, tell me which hospital and where, as Mycroft kept it from me… and maybe I could try to come and see you, even briefly, if they let me…

  
If you want to come, it’s because you want to stay with me. If not, don’t. I’m sending you the address. SH

  
Alright. Take care, Sherlock.


	9. Chapter 9

Hi, Sherlock. It’s been a while, right? I hope you’re OK. It would be good to have some news, but it’s up to you, no offense if you’d rather not to. Anyway… take care. John

  
Hello, John. I asked for news ages ago, repeatedly, but you didn’t answer - ever. SH

  
You’re right. So… I guess it’s a no. Thank you for answering anyway. Hope to see you again one of these days! Take care. J.

  
No! John. Give me some news, please. SH

  
Me, well, not very much to say… I work at a doctor’s surgery, it’s rather intense and lot of night time, so I’m rather busy, it’s… good. I moved in with a friend in Brixton, quite colorful and noisy neighborhood, but I don’t mind. I had a couple of bad times but now I’m fine, yeah. And you? You didn’t tell.

  
Moved in with a friend? I wish you a lot of joy. So, if everything is fine, why are you writing to me after months of silence? Need help on a case maybe? The insufferable sleuth can be useful again? SH

  
I guess I deserved your hostility. I… only wanted to have news. It was certainly a mistake, and selfish of me. What can I say, I’m not that strong. I don’t have cases, you’re the one who does. You still do, right? And, just for the record… Jim is just a friend.

  
Glad to read this. Yes, I still do. You want some news? I work. That’s what I am supposed to do, I guess. SH

  
OK… so, is the work interesting? But, you’re not “supposed” to do anything, Sherlock, I don’t understand… you used to love the Work. Used to ignore all of the world, including your flatmate, in order to solve a case. Would it really change? By the way, did you take another flatmate to make you tea?

  
Did you really think I proposed you to be my flatmate to make my tea….? Is that how you see me? Go to hell, John. I thought you knew me better than that. SH

  
Hey, that was only a joke! And a poor one. I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry. Of course it’s not how I see you. I’m a spectacular failure at this getting back in touch, right?

  
I repeat my question. Why are you writing to me today? Why today? SH

  
Because… because I miss you. Because today it has been exactly three months since I last saw you. Because this week one of my patients died, and he looked a bit like you, and that made me sad, and scared. Because everyone told me not to contact you. Because I’m an idiot. Does all that answer properly your question?

  
Everyone told you not to contact me? Who is everyone? And what does it mean, three months today? Three months and six days exactly. SH

  
Well, people I don’t see anymore. Mike, Mrs Hudson, your brother… Jim was actually the only one to say that I should do what I felt. Oh, and I must have had the dates mixed up, I do that a lot these days. But wait, you… counted? Well that is so you, I shouldn’t be surprised :)

  
I am sure you didn’t mess up with the dates. Did you come to see me at the hospital without telling me? And for your record… I don’t see these people anymore either. Obviously, it was a good decision. SH

  
I… maybe. Would you be mad at me if I did? And… are you kidding me? I thought you were among them, safe and cared for?! Is this why Mycroft stopped answering to any of my calls? And how can you not see Mrs Hudson? You’re still living at Baker Street, aren’t you?

  
I’m not. The only one I still see is Greg, for the cases. And oh yes, I’m mad at you. SH

  
I came to see you that day, when you were asleep with the painkillers. I knew perfectly well it was wrong, but I needed that, needed it too much to be able to resist it. You looked so… peaceful, as you hadn’t for days. I stayed for a long time, just looking at you, I didn’t touch you. I wanted to keep your beautiful face in my mind. You can blame me, but I’m not sorry for that. I’m sorry for everything else. Now… tell me. Where do you live? Are you alone? Are you… well?

  
You can be sorry. I live alone. I work all days, and nights if I can. And no, I am not well. But I guess that someone like me doesn’t deserve happiness. So, this is how I live. Are you happy, relieved that I didn’t die, don’t feel guilty anymore? You can go back to your Jim, your friends, and your brilliant life without me. SH

  
Sherlock… I didn’t know about what your life has become… I really thought you were supported, cared for… if you were so alone, why didn’t you… God, but I didn’t answer, the first weeks, that’s it? I’ve been such a jerk… I believed it was better for you to be with others, not me… how could I know, you never mentioned… Sherlock, you can’t go on like that. You must be so sleep-deprived, that could lead to depression, and… what’s your brother doing, damn it?

  
And… I don’t have any friends left. Just Jim, and we both work a lot, even if we live in the same flat we don’t see each other as often as we did, you and I, you know. He just helped me going through the most difficult phases…

  
You are the one who imposed this ordeal on both of us. I have thought about it - a lot, I had so much time when I wasn’t sleeping - and yet I couldn’t understand why you did that. Congratulations John, I was so confused, that was a first for me. As usual with you… You have been my first time for so many things. But it doesn’t count. SH

  
You’re so angry… I should not be caught unaware by your bitterness. But… really, you never really understood why I did this? Yet it was for you, all for you, and I suffered so much from this decision too, you know. But if it was all for nothing, if you’re alone and unhappy, I don’t know anymore… God, I didn’t think I could feel emptier than I did these last months. And… there are some of these first times that I should have preferred to avoid, believe me. I’m a failure, and I failed you.

  
I don’t like to be considered as a stupid child, John. I hate it when someone does something “for my own good”. I’m smart enough to take care of myself and know what’s best for me. Would you have understood if I had done to you what you did? And what would you have liked? That I would have been married, with lots of friends and a normal social life? And I know you regret our night together, I don’t need to be reminded. SH

  
Well, if I had been fucking around and injecting heroine to myself because of you, would you have let me keep indulging myself, just for the sake of infatuation? God, Sherlock, of course you’re still a child in some areas, a far too clever and vulnerable child! No I wouldn’t have liked you married or normal, just happy, for God’s sake! Safe! I couldn’t keep you safe anymore, because I had become the source of the danger for you! Why are you the only one who can’t grasp this truth? And I wasn’t talking about that night, no. I was talking about the fact that I was the first man you opened your heart to, and made you shut it. Even when I tried to protect you, too late, I still failed. I don’t deserve anything good in this life, and believe me, I’m paying the price everyday!

  
Very well, John. So you took the right decision three months ago, yet you were hurt by the situation and still are, even if you’re living a happy life with this Jim. So. What do we do? What do you want me to tell you? That I forgive you? I’ll tell you again: go to hell, John. SH

  
I’m already there. So. I’ll leave you alone. Sorry to have triggered unwanted memories. Hope you’ll forget one day who I was to you.

  
No chance, John. I won’t let you think that. I’ll never forget. I’ll always hope, because I can’t do otherwise. You can stamp my heart as much as you want, it’s still yours, and that’s my curse, I’ve learnt to live with it. SH

  
Sherlock, I… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know anything anymore. How could I hurt you so much when I desperately tried to save you from us?

  
Because you never accepted to understand that our relationship could be precisely the thing which would save us both. And I hate all our “friends” and my brother to have dramatically messed up all this. Do you know what Greg said to me when I told him everything? That it had been obvious for ages, that you loved me, and that I loved you, that we were happy together. He also said that you would come back to me, but you didn’t. I like Greg - a lot. SH

  
You have told him everything? Well, what he said was true, I suppose. So… you still think we could try something together…? Even now?

  
I… I don’t know. SH

  
I understand. Of course, I don’t know what I’m saying. Jim told me I should be careful, and here I am messing everything up again. Fuck, what am I doing…?

  
Jim, Jim, Jim, for God’s sake, you have only this name in mind!! SH

  
What? That’s so untrue! He’s just been a kind friend in a hard period of my life. You shouldn’t be mad at him, he was the one who prevented me from doing very stupid things!

  
Oh, that’s just perfect, so you wanted to do stupid things?? Fuck, John, I’m so mad at you, I…!!!!! 

  
I don’t want to talk about this. I’m fine, OK? And I had the chance not to be alone, to have someone patient and kind with me. He’s an actor, you know, you’d like him. I often talked about you…

  
Oh yes, of course I would like him, I like lots of people, don’t I? Do you even remember who I am, John?? I see who you have chosen, between a kind and patient actor and an insufferable sociopath sleuth. SH

  
You did say you liked Lestrade! And I haven’t chosen anyone, Jim is just a friend, I told you. He didn’t press me like the others when I was silent, he listened when I felt like talking, he tended for me when I got back home in… tough shape, he even searched for me one night in the various pubs of the area, and… nevermind. I’m not sure it still matters, but you should know I haven’t engaged myself in any physical relationship since we parted ways. I… I think I might be broken. But it’s not such a big deal, in the end. I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this.

  
So you haven’t engaged yourself in any physical relationship, but you have found a new best friend. You don’t want me anymore, and you let him be who I wanted to be for you. Anyway. It doesn’t matter now, I guess. I have lost everything. SH

  
He’s not my best friend. I’m not sure what he is exactly, but my only best friend is… was you. No one can replace Sherlock Holmes, you know… And don’t say you’ve lost everything. You… could have a life. You don’t have to shut everything down just because I was such a failure. You could… get out, meet people. I don’t see how anyone could resist you, if you decided to seduce him.

Well… not my business, right?

  
And you John, what will you do? Why haven’t you engaged yourself, with anybody? And you said “physically”, but what about romantically? Tell me the truth, please. SH

  
The truth is I can’t get you out of my head. You perpetually live there… No one has the tenth of your radiance, and I’m not searching for anything anyway. Just… a little bit of comfort, with Jim, and the rest is a cold desert. But… you haven’t answered. If you’re trying to protect me, I’d rather know. But it’s up to you.

  
What do you really want to know? If I’m ready to move on? If I already did? SH

  
Did you?

  
I haven’t engaged myself in any romantic or amical relationship since you left me. SH

  
Oh… OK. Does it mean you experienced new one-night-stands?

  
Obviously. SH

  
Right… Not so alone, then. Obviously.

  
Does it count as one-night-stands if it was several times with the same person, but there was nothing else than these nights? I’m sorry, I’m not as experienced as you are. SH

  
You saw the same person several times? Well, congratulations, that’s called a relationship. You should have told me sooner, I wouldn’t have bothered you for so long nor made a fool of myself. I’m… happy for you, Sherlock. Hope you’ll enjoy it more than our brief story (it shouldn’t be very hard).

  
It was just in a sexual way, John. I’m not involved with him, he’s not even my friend. SH

  
That’s sad. Well, at least you’ve discovered you had physical needs as we others do. Glad to have helped in that area, and that you’ve finally found a more convenient fuck.

  
I tried, John. I tried to write to you, to call you, and you never answered. I thought you would never talk to me again. SH

  
I perfectly know that. I let you some space, and finally you carried on with your life. That’s a good thing, and who am I to have a say in this? Just don’t throw Jim in my face, the only friend I kept. That’s quite selfish, even for you.

  
You are the one who keeps mentioning him, not me. And you weren’t forced to do this to us, John, you weren’t! Look at the mess we are in. I don’t even know if I am really alive or a walking dead. What should we do, now? What do you want? SH

  
Don’t be a drama queen. Dead don’t have dates, dead don’t have fuck buddies, right? You’ll get over it. Me, I don’t want anything anymore. Or, yes, I’d like a drink right now. Never too early for that! Anyway, thanks for the chat, mate. Be well.

  
John. John, just… Don’t. Don’t do that. John. SH

  
Do what? I’m not doing anything. You just reminded me of the reasons why I left. I’m not going to undo what you achieved these last months, without me. I’ve got nothing to… offer you. So… we should stop there. I hope he’ll be good for you, if he has any common sense. Goodbye then, Sherlock.

  
I still love you. SH


	10. Chapter 10

Sherlock?

  
John?

  
It’s not John, it’s a friend. He’s not here, he left his phone on the table. I’m sorry, I was trying to reach him and I saw the text alert flashing… By the way, I’m Jim, hi.

  
He left without his phone, you don’t know where he is, and you’re texting one of his personal contacts instead of looking for him? What a good friend you seem to be. SH

  
I have a pretty fair idea of where he can be, and it’s not far. Pretty sure too he wishes to be alone, given his phone’s here, and I’m not the kind to harass people. So, you’re the famous Sherlock Holmes?

  
Obviously. SH

  
I’ve heard a lot about you. As you were just trying to project your guilt on a total stranger, I take the make-up session didn’t go so well?

  
Don’t tell me you wanted it to be different, I won’t believe you. SH

  
Me? I just wish to see John happy. Don’t you?

  
Who are you? SH

  
I’m an actor. I’m 34, born in Belfast, orphaned. I live now in Brixton, with a heartbroken doctor and a black cat named Brook. No current relationship – I guess. I’d be happy to answer any additional questions, Mr Holmes. Or can I call you Sherlock?

  
What do you want from me? SH

  
What could I possibly want? Except maybe not to have to search for John hammered in a pub once again. Has he got a drinking history in his family? He seems to have an inclination for it.

  
Obviously he never told you about his family. SH

  
Obviously not.

  
But he told you about me. SH

  
That he did. You want to know how he talks about you? Most of the times, it could flatter your ego, but I bet you’re high above that. Anyway I’m not going to betray his trust. You see, it took me quite some time to earn it, and I find it very precious.

  
I know exactly what you are trying to do. And you shouldn’t, because I’m not a rival. John doesn’t see me this way anymore. Anyway, just for the record, he’s not gay, but you’re surely already aware of that. SH

  
Is that what he told you?

  
What does it mean? What are you implying? SH

  
Just that John may be a little bit more complex than you seem to believe? Or perhaps he has changed. That’s what people do, right?

  
You’re not his boyfriend. I know it. SH

  
And you’re not either. Have you ever been? I’m not certain… in any case, you sure cause a lot of damage. Dangerous material. That’s… interesting.

  
I’ve never wanted to hurt John. SH

  
One can tell… And now, are you still interested in his well-being?

  
Of course I am. SH

  
Then we share the same goal. And neither of us will consent to step back now, right? So. We could make a deal.

  
I have already consented to step back. But I’m listening. SH

  
Don’t lie to yourself. He’ll contact you again, and you won’t resist the temptation, will you? One more time you won’t be able to fulfill his needs, and one more time he’ll be hurt, perhaps beyond repair. So. I’ll protect him, I’ll take care of him, talk to him even if you like. And you, you’ll never mention our little chats.

  
I don’t think that he really wants to share another night with me, if it’s what you’re implying. Our chats? What does that mean? Do you want to talk to me after today? Why? SH

  
Yet three months of complete abstinence is a long time for a man like John. If you don’t want to “share another night with him” (cute), someone else will, that’s bound to happen. No problem with that? And no, I don’t wish to just talk with you again in the future. I’d like to see you.

  
I have a problem with the whole situation, and you perfectly know that. Why would you want to see me? SH

  
I find you interesting, I told you. And we have shared interests. You don’t trust me, and you want to know more. Good reasons, no? Why don’t we have a drink someday?

  
I prefer texts. And to share the same interest for someone doesn’t really mean that we have the same interests. Even if you’re playing the good guy, I’m not sure you really want John’s well-being. SH

  
Are you a good guy…? Anyway, I do care about John, and more to the point, he thinks I do. But of course, you can go to him and express your doubts. I’m sure he’ll listen positively to that. But you on your own, you can investigate on me all you like. My doors are open.

  
I have never said I was, but I’m not trying to play this role. By the way, are you really an actor? You’re not very persuasive. SH

  
Why would I need to be persuasive? If I wanted to, you’d be here already. You did say you still love him.

  
You read all of our talk, didn’t you? SH

  
Just the last text, it was flashing. I guess it was the most important of them, wasn’t it? Pity he didn’t read it.

  
Maybe it was for the best. SH

  
That’s not what you hope for. Well, you can always try again later, when he’s sobered up. By the way I must go soon, to fetch him before he does anything stupid, and put him in bed. He can be so pliant, some nights, like a helpless child. Were you a helpless child, Sherlock?

  
Don’t fucking touch him. SH

  
Wow, tiger. OK, I won’t. If you give me some incentive in return. Not much, really… do I have your attention?

  
You have it. SH

  
Tell me about the last time you slept with someone. In details, please, take your time. And don’t make up stories, I’m an actor, remember? I will know ;)

  
Talking about sex doesn’t alarm me. But how can I be sure that you will erase my text, and that John won’t read this… description? SH

  
I have no interest in John seeing any piece of this exchange, and neither do you, now. Clever, don’t you think?

  
Maybe. Well. It was two weeks ago, and it was the third time with this guy. I’ve never actually slept with him: it’s always the same ritual, he comes, we fuck, he leaves. He doesn’t really talk, he’s almost quiet, mute. This time, we did it in the living room, not even in my bed. He fucked me from behind, against the window, with bestial sounds. My cheek was crushed against the cold glass and I could see the empty street. When he came, he asked me if I wanted him to finish me, but I said no, and he left after fastening his belt. It barely lasted twenty minutes. I stayed there for a long time, naked, exhibited, still against the window. Are you satisfied? SH

  
It’s both… sad and arousing. Like you. Tell me: did you like it?

  
No. But it helped, in some ways. And in other ways, it makes things worse. It’s something I do, now, that’s all. SH

  
Fair enough, no judgement here. So, you enjoy rough sex. Is that why you picked him up? By the way, where did you meet him? And what does he look like, you didn’t say.

  
He was with an acquaintance of me, that I came to meet for something else, and he seemed to be strangely attracted by me. He’s fair-haired. Ice-blue eyes. Short man, but very strong, and violent. Former soldier. Don’t know what he’s doing now - surely bad things, given the identity of his friends. Have you finished with your questions? SH

  
Has John an unknown brother? Mmh. I’m almost done. What was his name? And do you still hook up with dealers, Sherlock? Tss… bit not good.

  
Sebastian. And he has nothing to do with John - it’s like day and night. Yes, I fuck strangers and I do drugs. And I don’t need your pity. SH

  
I have no advice to give you, but you know you’re walking on thin ice, right? You could be hurt in more than a way.

  
I have nothing to lose anymore. SH

  
And what does it matter to you? SH

  
Yes, you have.

  
Mmh. I’m the one asking questions here, dear Sherlock.

  
Is it a threat? SH

  
No, I was just thinking about the fact that John contacted you back. You’re the distrustful type, aren’t you?

  
I am. Aren’t you? SH

  
Not always. Sometimes I like to gamble.

  
Where are we going, now? Are you satisfied of my answers? Will you stay away from John, now? Just… friends? Leave him in peace? SH

  
I am, for now. So I’ll respect my part of the deal. I’ll even add that you deserve a little reward for your cooperation. Have you got a question about John? I’ll give you one.

  
Does he want to forget me? SH

  
He says so. He also calls your name at night, sometimes. What do you think?

  
That I’m not good for him. That I should let him go, and shouldn’t answer when he texts again. That I just can’t do that. That I feel lost and useless. That I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You already won, don’t you see? I can’t even fight back, I shouldn’t fight back. SH

  
There’s a battle indeed, but you got the wrong enemies. I’m not trying to win John. I’ve come to like him, that’s all. And from how you sound, you’re going to do drugs right now, aren’t you? Well, here’s an alternative. Why don’t we meet instead? No expectations.

  
I already have the needle in my arm - the drug in my blood. SH

  
But you can come if you really want to. I’ll give you ten minutes and a cup of tea. You already know my new address, don’t you? SH

  
Damn, you’re fast. I’ll be there in fifteen. Talk to me?

  
I’m fine, for God’s sake! Don’t be like John. I’m not a junkie. SH

  
OK. You’re not a junkie. And I won’t be like John for you.

  
I can’t help finding you threatening, you know. SH

  
Only if you make a threat of me.

  
I don’t. I don’t even know who you really are. Why are you here, in our lives? Why am I not at 221B Baker Street, with John in my living room? SH

  
Me, because I was the one who saved John from a messy fight, the night you cheated on him for the first time. Baker Street, because he left you in order for you to stop using drugs and endangering yourself. Now you have a current lover who’s not him and you’re using again. Do you sense a pattern here? Drugs don’t really help you think, do they?

  
Not the morphine. Morphine is to forget, not to think. I never cheated on John. I thought he didn’t love me. SH

  
I believe the problem is that he loved you too much. I can see better why now. You’re quite the endearing reckless idiot.

  
I’m not an idiot. And I’m not endearing either. Are you really coming here? S

  
You’re endearing alright, but OK, I won’t say it again. I’m on my way. I can still go back if you’ve changed your mind. Do you want to be alone tonight?

  
I… I wanted to know who you are, the man who lives with my love… I’m not sure it’s the best moment for a meeting, I don’t know. Sh

  
You’re drifting, Sherlock. How much did you take? Listen, I’m coming just to check on you, John would kill me if… anyway. But if you don’t want to talk when I’m here we won’t, OK? You’re free.

  
OK. Come, John. I’ve missed you so much. Please come to see me. I love you. I desperately love and want you. SH

  
Sherlock…

  
John.

  
I… I’m here. Almost arrived, stay with me. Tell me… what you want me to do when I’m here with you. I won’t go anywhere, I promise.

  
I want you to hold me very hard against your chest. I want to hear your heartbeats.

  
I want it too. But you’ll have to close your eyes, and just hear my heart. It’s already beating too fast. I’ll hold you as long as you wish. Anything you want, provided you don’t go to sleep now. Deal?

  
Deal. Are you… here? SH

  
Almost. Turn off the lights, please?

  
Done. A little scared. So long since the last time…

  
I’m right behind the door, it’s open. I’m scared too. Do you want me to come in?

  
I want all you’d accept to give me.

  
That would be a lot. But, Sherlock. I have to ask you this… do you wish to keep your eyes closed from now, or do you want it to stop?

  
I want the pain to stop… Please, make it stop. I’ll be good. I won’t open my eyes. You’re just a dream, I’m imagining you’re here but… not true, is it?

  
This dream can be true for a while. I can force the pain away by making you… feel other things. But it can’t last. I learnt that nothing ever lasts. And you did too, right?

  
Yeah… But I’ll love you forever, do you know this? That sort of sentiment… lasts, sometimes, for some people…

  
I know. I love you too, Sherlock. I have loved you for a long time.

  
Show me. Make me forget. Please.

  
I’ll make you forget him, just for one night. Kiss me, Mr Holmes.


	11. Chapter 11

Did you steal all my stock? SH

Good morning to you, Sherlock. 

Why? SH

You’ve had enough.

Is John back? Did you see him? How is he? SH

He’s home. He texted me, he’s alright. Just a bit of a hangover, no fight.

OK… good. So you’re not home? SH

No, I’ve gone for a walk. Didn’t feel like resting, I usually don’t need much sleep anyway.

Jim. I… I’m afraid I’ve forgotten some parts of the night, but. I must ask. Will you tell him? SH

No, I won’t. You can be reassured.

Thank you. For that, and… for the rest. SH

Don’t do that, there’s no need.

Are you alright? SH

Of course. I tried to help you yesterday, that’s all. I’ve said “no expectations”, if you remember that part. I’m not going to pretend otherwise today, I’m not that young.

Well. Maybe I should… stop this talk now. So, goodbye, then. SH

Right. Just… how is the morphine aftermath? Not too hard?

I’m used to these effects. SH

Oh, that’s great, really. So you can do it again soon, that’s what you’re thinking about? So mature.

To be honest, I don’t really know what I will do in the next days. Or hours. SH

I took away your supplies. Yet I know that if you really want to, you’ll be high again this very evening. But you could choose not to. You could surprise me.

Why would I want to surprise you? SH

Because I thought you liked to do it, earlier. And well, if you don’t anymore, you could always try and surprise yourself. It’s refreshing, sometimes.

Well. I must recognize I feel a bit lost. SH

I could tell you I’m sorry.

You did nothing wrong. SH

That’s a way of considering it. You seemed at peace, this morning when I left… no bad dreams?

No bad dreams. You… exhausted me, I think. SH

It felt good. No, it felt… real.

Why did you do that? You didn’t know me. Yet you seemed pretty much… enthusiastic. I don’t understand. SH

Maybe I know you a bit more than you’d imagine. After all I heard a lot about you. Yesterday I felt that you were on the verge of a precipice. I thought I could be useful. 

I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know if we’ll meet again. SH

I wouldn’t mind. I had the impression that what we did together was a kind of good substitute for drugs. If you ever feel like that in the future, we could… do it again.

I can’t do this to John. SH

There’s no sentiment between you and Sebastian.

No. SH

I’m not asking for anything, Sherlock.

I know. I should leave you in peace. SH

Please don’t.

Jim… SH

I thought you liked what happened between us. I did, since from the first time you kissed me. But you already know that.

I… I don’t really remember what happened. I am sorry. SH

Oh. Well, you were high on morphine, so. We were in the dark. It started with a kiss. I like the way you do that. It was slow, and I took my time to undress you, to touch your skin, everywhere. You had your eyes closed when I did all that I did to you. You let me. The second time you came, I looked at you and your eyes were open, fixed on mine. And then you made me come. And then you dozed off, and after a while we did it again. You whispered… but maybe I should stop here.

Finish what you started. Tell me what I whispered. SH

You asked for more. You asked me to stay. Then you kissed your taste on my lips and you said a name. I’m not sure if it was his or mine. So I waited for you to go to sleep in my arms, and then I left. I knew you would prefer to wake up alone.

You describe it very well. I am sorry to be such a mess for everyone around me. Maybe I should live as a loner as I did before. It was safer for everyone. SH

It would be a waste. And you’re not a mess to me.

But I am for John, obviously. SH

I can’t speak for someone who’s not here. Yet he told me what happened between you and him, and I never said to him what I’m telling you now: I wouldn’t have left you, after your overdose. I don’t tend to back away from difficult situations, I’m attracted to them. But John is a very moral and straightforward person, and I’m just me.

I wanted to be someone good for him. You seem to be better, in the end. He’s in a difficult situation, you already know that, and as you just said, it doesn’t scare you. I should leave the two of you… alone and in peace. Will you take care of him? SH

I was not referring to that particular difficult situation. Yes, I’ll keep looking after him if he needs me, but never as you’re implying it. John and I are not in love. 

Oh. SH

Would it make things easier for you? To leave in the dark, licking your wounds alone? Coward.

That’s unfair. I’ve never asked for any of this. I know nothing of the human nature, I’m doing it all wrong. Too difficult. SH

Life’s not fair, whereas you ask for it or not. What I’ve got to learn about human nature bores me to death. You on the other hand are a lot of things, except boring.

You confuse me. SH

I’m a confusing person. Do you hate it?

No. You helped me to feel better last night. Far better than I was since… a long time ago. But today I feel so guilty I could die of it. My brother told me once that caring wasn’t an advantage. I’ve just realized how right he was. I feel so tired, now. My mind is a mess. SH

I can ease the guilt for you. Everything that happened last night was my doing. If it helped you, it’s a simple bonus. You can forget all of it, you didn’t remember anyway. Now you can clear your head, and go back to John. I’m sure he’ll listen, and even maybe take you back. You’ll be happy again. You have hope.

I lied. I remember it very well. And I couldn’t forget even if I tried. It’s already trapped somewhere in my mind palace. But thank you for telling me all this. I’m not as confident as you are about John’s desires, but we’ll see, I guess. I’ll let him come back to me if he wants to. If he doesn’t… everything will be lost, and I’ll be vacant all my life. Take care of yourself, Jim. I suspect you’re not the kind of man who appreciates advice, but… take care of you. SH

I know you lied. Well, thanks for the advice, and good luck with him. If you ever feel vacant anyway, instead of using a syringe give me a call. Goodbye, Mr Holmes.

Goodbye, Jim.


	12. Chapter 12

Hey, Sherlock, it’s me. John. Just checking if you’re alright. Hope I’m not interrupting anything.

Hello, John. No, I’m not doing anything. SH

Taking a break between cases? How are you?

Unable to think on the previous one, refused the last Greg proposed to me. I’m not very fine. And you? SH

What? You failed to solve a case? And refused another one from the Met? What’s happening to you, Sherlock?

I’ve lost you.

Sherlock… 

Why are you writing to me? You were so angry last time. And before, I thought you would never talk to me again. But there you are, and new texts on my phone. Why? SH

I… I was angry, yeah. Still am, in a way. But I can’t seem… to stop, now that I’ve started again. I guess you’re my addiction of choice… I miss you. I know it’s not very fair to tell you this after everything, but I really do.

You will never forgive me for everything that happened since the last time we were together, you and me. I have definitely lost you, I know it. And it’s unbearable. SH

I don’t want to think about the past. Now you’re not an addict anymore, the situation has changed. Maybe… maybe I could forget.

And maybe I’m still an addict. Maybe I did things you couldn’t forgive. Maybe I’m just a mess now, and you should leave me alone. SH

Don’t joke with that, Sherlock. I don’t find it funny.

Because you really thought I would stop using after you left me alone, without any news? SH

Dammit! I can’t believe this! You’re using again, despite everything that I asked you, despite the fucking sacrifice I’ve made for you! God Sherlock, I hate you!

Don’t worry. You don’t have to waste your time with me anymore. I’m not asking you for anything. Be free and happy, John. I just would like you to know: you didn’t have to make this sacrifice. You could have stayed, we could have tried better. I would have liked to be better for you. SH

Oh no, Sherlock. You don’t get to blame me for your own weaknesses. I left to give you a chance of taking back your life, because I knew I’ve messed it up. You could have decided to get better, and then maybe we could have started again, another way. You could have had it all. You knew what I was waiting for. But you chose another path, you didn’t respect my choice. Now everything is ruined, don’t you see? I had hoped… God. It’s such a mess…

Someone told me he would have stayed. After my first relapse. He would have stayed, and helped. You knew I had no experience when it comes to relationships, you knew how lost I was. I am sorry to disappoint you - again. SH

Maybe that someone has not seen you broken and high, despite every warning you got. This is not about relationships, it’s about self-destruction, Sherlock, and you could write a book about that!

If you had been destroying yourself, I would have stayed for you. I thought you would always be there for me! You told me that. You lied. And I’m exhausted of your constant blames. If this is all you have to tell me now, maybe you shouldn’t write to me again. I’m broken enough, like you said. SH

Right, I lied, and everything’s my fault! So what now, I should leave you alone and let you slowly die of your vices? Or leave you with someone who’s apparently happily watching you indulging in drugs? Brilliant, really!

In fact, he stole all my supplies. I don’t think he likes the idea of me using again. Yet you’re right. I’m slowly dying, and it doesn’t really matter. What will you do then? Find someone to build a real life with? A woman, blond maybe, with a dull name as Helen or Mary? SH

Oh, so you have found a friend who loves you. Well, good for you, mate. And you know what, I could do just that, and I’ll even invite you to my fucking wedding! You could come high as a kite, it would be the attraction of the day!

I hate you. I’m sure I hate you more than you hate me. SH

If it can help, be my guest. But I know for a fact it doesn’t.

So you really do… SH

Not as much as I… care.

I care about you, too. That’s precisely why I’m telling you to forget me. SH

Are you saying we won’t see each other again?

Isn’t this what you already wanted, six months ago? Isn’t this what you still want now? SH

That’s what I had to do at the time, and probably what I should do now. Not what I want.

SO WHAT DO YOU WANT, JOHN, FOR GOD’S SAKE???

Stop being a junkie. I can’t be with one, not after my sister. I… just can’t, I’m sorry.

Fair enough. SH

Listen, Sherlock, I… when we started to talk earlier, I wanted to propose you… I wanted to see you. We could meet up in a pub, or you could come here. I have the flat to myself, Jim left.

Is there a risk that Jim comes back sooner than you plan? Maybe we should meet in a pub. I don’t know. I feel… a little scared. SH

Well, no, I don’t think so. I suspect he’s found himself a girl, he came back late in the morning the other day with a tired face, and someone had clearly grabbed his hair repeatedly… I think he won’t show up before tomorrow. Why, are you scared to see me alone? You’d prefer a crowded place? I won’t throw myself at you, you know.

No, that’s… OK. That’s OK. I can come. I. It seems to me that I haven’t seen you for ages. SH

I have the same impression. Will you… will you be clean?

Yes. All my supplies have been taken, I told you. SH

Right. Your caring friend. Well, thank him for me. I’m sending you the address.

I’ll be there in… fifteen minutes, I guess. Are you… sure? SH

I am. I’ll be waiting for you.

I’m on my way. SH


	13. Chapter 13

Jim? You told me… you told me I could text you if… if I needed to. SH

Hey. What’s wrong?

Everything, Jim. Everything. SH

Wow. Take a deep breath, OK? I’m here. Start with the beginning. John?

Yes. Saw him last night. He texted me, I answered. He was angry with me, but he asked me to come see him. I did. SH

You spent the night with him?

Yes, but… I. Maybe you don’t want to talk about that, I am so unfamiliar with that kind of situation, I have no experience, I… SH

Why not? No expectations, remember? That was the deal. Tell me. Why was he angry with you, Sherlock?

Because I told him I didn’t stop using. SH

Aw. That must have not gone well. Extreme sincerity is a dangerous concept, you know.

I don’t lie to John. He said he hated me. Before I met John, I didn’t know that this man was living. But now, to live knowing this man hates me… it’s unbearable. SH

Sherlock. John doesn’t hate you. He’s madly in love with someone who embodies what he fears most. The only person he talks about almost as often as he talks about you is his sister.

Oh. SH

He left you because of your habit, right? And when he came back to you, you welcomed him with a syringe. Give him time. 

That’s not all, Jim. SH

Yeah, I know time can’t be enough. In fact, you have the solution delivered with the problem: you should just stop using. You told me you already did once. It would solve everything, right? You would fit John’s ideal, he would forgive you, and you would both live happily after.

It’s not so easy to stop using. And… That’s not the only problem. SH

I know it’s hard. But you could do anything for him, right? You told me that several times. Other problems than the drugs? What does he want from you, making you run into circles or what?

I… messed up last night. With him. Jesus, what’s wrong with me…? SH

There’s nothing wrong with you, Sherlock, you’re just experiencing a rough time in life. It happens. And I know you’re trying, I know you are. So please, don’t lie to me, stop trying to protect him… what did he do to you? Tell me.

Nothing! John… He’s not… I… I couldn’t, Jim. I just couldn’t. He was so… sad and caring and I, I hated myself so much… SH

I don’t understand… What couldn’t you do? He tried to touch you and you didn’t want to….?

No! We… We started to… and… I couldn’t. Come. I was barely aroused, for God’s sake!! I fucking don’t understand what’s so wrong with me!

Oh. Oh… I. I see.

I am useless. An error. SH

What? No, don’t say such absurd things, please. You just weren’t in the mood, it happens sometimes! He shouldn’t have tried, it was clearly too early. You’re vulnerable, looking at your face is enough to see that. Don’t be so sad, it’s not worth it.

But it was John… I love him, I hadn’t seen him for six months… I don’t understand, Jim. I’m exhausted. SH

Sherlock, it’s not that bad. Precisely, you’re exhausted. Drug abuse doesn’t usually help with sexual desire. It was just one time.

Yeah… SH

When I was with you… I was high. And aroused. And… functional. SH

Mmh… yeah, you were. Maybe there was not so much at stake, that time. Let’s see… what do you feel when you think about John like that? 

Like what? SH

Like a lover.

Heat. Fear. Desire. Sadness. Shame. Confusion. Guilt. Want. SH

You love him. You really do…

But last night… SH

I know. Let me continue the reasoning… what do you feel when you think about me like that?

About you… like a lover…? SH

I mean, just that night. If you thought about it… what would you feel?

Heat. Fear. Desire… Stop it. Stop it. Stop it!! SH

Oh. That was… unexpected. I’m sorry. I just wanted to prove that… I’m not sure of what I wanted to prove anymore. Please, excuse me?

I’m a monster. I feel so lost. Before you I never cheated on John. Not really. If he knew… And I… Fuck, fuck, fuck. I don’t understand. I should have remained a fucking virgin. SH

You didn’t cheat on him, he left you. You’re not a monster, I know them enough to recognize it when I see one, trust me. And… given the night we shared, I would have considered it a real waste if you’d remained a virgin.

Really…? You know, the first time I… fucked another man, it was because I’d said to John that I loved him, and he hadn’t answered me. So I thought… I thought I needed experience, to keep him interested in bed… I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. I should… SH

It’s not only about experience. Not for me, at least. For me it’s about raw honesty, and trust. And it was a very special night between us, like a… gift. I think about it, sometimes… often. Well, it’s me now who talks too much…

Thank you for telling me this, I guess. I don’t know what I should do now. Maybe a fix would be the best solution, if you hadn’t stolen all my supplies…! SH

No, certainly not. And I’m not giving them back to you, Sherlock.

Please…? My dealer cannot be reached at the moment, I don’t understand why… SH

That’s a pity, really. Maybe he went on vacation? And don’t beg me, Sherlock, I don’t appreciate it, except maybe in a bed.

For God’s sake!! SH

No. Cries and threats won’t work either. But… 

But what? I feel like my mind could blow up all over that ugly wall! SH

My initial offer still stands, you know. It helped once. It can happen again.

I. But. What if I fail to…? SH

I don’t care. It’s not a test. But maybe you secretly hope to fail. So… what if you don’t?

I fucking don’t know. SH

Are you aroused, right now?

Are you torturing me…? You already know the answer. SH

I’m taking your mind off of things. If we were together now, would you like me to do to you what I did, when you were sitting naked on your couch?

… Yes. SH

So you do remember, when I sucked you until you were fully dry? 

I… yes. I remember your tongue. The heat of your mouth. Yours lips. Your eyes fixed on mine. SH

You had your eyes opened at that point, yes. Beautiful eyes. I could do that again, and the other things I’ve done, too. If you wanted me to.

Dangerous. SH

Oh, yes.

Maybe I should stop here… I feel so weak. SH

No, you’re hard. For me. Why stop?

Maybe it’s a mistake. Maybe it’s bad. Maybe I deserve all the horrors John told me. I don’t want to think about that! SH

Don’t think about it, then. Let me think for you, with my lips and my hands. My mouth between your thighs and my fingers in you… if this is a mistake, let it be good.

When can you be here? SH

I’m not far. Stay with me?

Yes. I’m not going anywhere. SH

Will you keep the lights down again?

Would you want that? SH

I don’t mind if you do. But I’ll admit I like watching you… you look good in pleasure. You’re very beautiful, but you already know that, of course.

Well, I… I won’t keep them down. SH

Do you know what’s different from the first time we did this?

No. What is? SH

This time you’re not high.

No, I’m not. Do you fear that it could be… not as good? SH

More of the contrary, in fact. It excites me more to have a fully aware and willing partner.

You want me that much? SH

And a little more. You have quite a stunning effect on me, you know.

Show me. Make me stop thinking, stop suffering, stop regretting to be me. SH

I won’t let you time to think, I won’t let you suffer from anything else than your own pleasure. But above all, I can promise you this: with me you won’t ever regret to be yourself, Sherlock.

Jim… SH

Don’t. Please. Let me take care of you. I’m not asking for anything in return…

I… I feel so lost. SH

I know. Let me find you.

Can we do this? Have just another night…? SH

We can. It will be just between you and me. Just this thing, doesn’t have to be labelled. To feel a little less desperate, only for a moment. I’d like to hold you.

You can. I would like it. SH

I will, then. I’m here, under your window. Shall I come up?

Yes, please. SH


	14. Chapter 14

I would like to thank you. For this night. SH

Wow Sherlock, you become quite formal in daylight ;) I should thank you too, I guess.

Really? You could be quite… used to that sort of nights. I barely know you, after all… SH

I really wish I was used to nights like this one, because it was quite… memorable. Yes, I’m used to one-night stands. But I fear you are quite unique.

I don’t know what to say… It was a very good night for me, too. Everything you did, everything you said… It was good. SH

It was for me too, love.

Oh, God. SH

What? Oh. I. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… it just came out naturally, I… doesn’t matter, right?

I… I don’t know. I… Maybe we should… SH

Hey. Don’t bail out on me. It was a reflex, OK? Nothing more. Like earlier when we were whispering against each other’s skin, remember? Doesn’t have to mean anything more. Physical compatibility, pleasure, comfort. It seems our bodies like each other. Not your head, I get it.

I’m afraid, Jim. I didn’t feel like this with Sebastian, or the other one before. I don’t understand. I’m not a logical person anymore. SH

You know, a special connection with someone isn’t always built on logics, sometimes it’s more about instincts. But it’s clear, really: you’re confused and you need support, I’m willing to provide it. You’re bound by some fixed ideas you have on your current love life, but I’m not one of them. Don’t you like it?

I like it. Do you think it will happen again…? SH

It’s up to you really. Because for my part I hardly think about anything else, since I left you this morning. You can be quite brain-invasive, you know… I remember you held me back in your sleep, before I disentangled my body from yours. I can still hear the quiet sound you made… I had trouble not to wake you up again.

I didn’t want you to leave. SH

But you… Sherlock, were you awake when I did?

Yes… SH

OK. OK, so… is there something you’re holding back, you’d like to say to me now? It’s just the two of us, nobody else.

Far too dangerous. The chemistry… My body must be wrong. My mind too. SH

Maybe. Yet I… I’d like to hear it, even if it’s wrong. Am I going too far?

You are, but I am too. Why do you want me to tell it? It will complicate everything… Why everything must be so difficult between human beings? Starting to care is a fucking mistake. SH

I’ve come to care about you. A bit too much, I think. Not good, yeah. I just feel like I should tell you… now you know.

What do I know, Jim? SH

You mean something more to me than just a particularly good fuck.

How can I feel what I feel for you after two nights, as beautiful as they were? How? SH

Sometimes it’s slow, and sometimes it goes too fast to fully understand what’s happening. I know that you’re not free, I’ve known it from the beginning. I kept telling myself I was just… interested, and then I wanted to help you, you were in such a dangerous state, and… and before I’ve realized it your wellbeing became the main matter to me. I’m not used to that kind of sensation. Just tell me… what is it that you feel for me, then? I’ll leave you alone, I promise.

No, I’m not free. And yet… I fear I’m falling in love with you. I am sorry to be such a confusing and abnormal person. SH

Sherlock, I… the first night, when you were high and believed I was someone else… you said something important to me, and I answered. I told you I was… that for a long time now, I. I wasn’t pretending, then. There’s something you should know about me. Even if… well, nevermind. But before I tell you, I have a last question. About John.

Ask me. SH

It’s a difficult one, not sure I’ll find the right words, not sure either you won’t want to hit me for that. But I’ll try, and take the risk… so. It’s obvious you both love each other very deeply, but since you changed the nature of your relationship, it seems it never really… worked between you and him. That you desperately tried to fit his ideal, that he tried to make you be… someone you’re not, and you slowly destroyed yourself not to be. So, have you ever thought… that even if he’s your soulmate, yet he may not be the right partner for you, not the lover you were waiting for…? That sometimes love, as real as it comes, isn’t enough?

I’ve never waited for a lover. I’ve never thought I wanted a partner other than for my work… But yet, I let John become a real friend for me, I let him become someone so important, the most important person in the world. I thought I didn’t do sentiment. I thought I knew all about the chemistry of love, but that I would never allow it to invade my life. And look at me now. I thought the expression “to be heartbroken” was a silly one, even if I’ve had… a bad experience when I was young. And now there’s this hole in my chest, and this huge thunderstorm in my mind palace, and I can’t even understand how an inner pain can feel so real. And when I thought I could die of it, when I was using and being fucked by uncaring strangers and fighting again with John, you came to me. You came here and every time you held me, every time you kissed me, every time you talked to me, every time you made love to me… it was as if this unbearable pain became more mine - an experience, a part of me, and not an overwhelming suffering coming from the other one - coming from John. You know, I kissed three men in my life. Someone when I was young, John, and you. No one else could touch my lips with his. I didn’t know you, Jim - and I don’t know you more today. I knew nothing, I was high and vulnerable, but you came here, you thought I believed you were John but it was not that simple, you told me to kiss you, and I did - immediately. I don’t know you, and I don’t think you’re just an actor. I have a lot of doubts about you, about what you’re doing with your life. I think you’re hiding a lot of things, and I have at least three theories about that, and yet I don’t care. Then John offered me another night, and I ruined it; you offered me one, and… I can’t answer you, Jim, because I understand nothing of this weird situation. All this just sort of happened and I feel so hypersensitive that I can’t think properly. So. Now, do you want to tell me what you wanted to tell? SH

No. I’ll tell you another thing: you deserve someone good and loyal, someone who has ethics and morals. Someone like John, not matter the difficulties you two meet. You were confused and helpless, and I took advantage without thinking. But I’m not what you deserve. Fuck, that hurts like hell, but it’s the truth. I’m sorry.

For God’s sake, why can’t I tell someone I love him without seeing him run away?? SH

But you don’t love me, Sherlock. Maybe you could have, in time, but I’m choosing to protect you instead. And I’m not running away, I’m not John. I told you once that complex situations don’t scare me. Yet for once in my life, I’m choosing someone’s wellbeing over mine.

What does that fucking mean? Why does everybody think they have the right to be so paternalist with me? Why should everyone decide what’s good for me? Fuck you, Jim. You’re just like John, despite what you’re saying. Fuck you both. SH

Because, Sherlock, you’re a fucking battle! And if I listened to myself I would play dirty to win, as I did my whole life! But then I’d take the risk to hurt you in the process, and believe me or not: that’s the first time for me that it matters!

Why do you want to leave me to a man who doesn’t want me? John may still love me, but he doesn’t really care anymore, and he’s not happy with me. SH

I don’t want to! Do you know how many times, since I met you, I had to restrain myself from talking John into leaving you for good? My friend John, so unsure, so easy to manipulate. They’re all just the same to me. So many roles I played, so many people I fooled. And so few I fell in love with. Maybe just one. Do you want this, Sherlock? Do you really want me?

What if I do? Isn’t it the perfect solution, for the three of us? John would be happier without me, don’t you think? And me… You could help me recover. Help me let him go. Don’t you think? SH

You know I could do that. If that’s what you wanted, I could invade your mind, your soul and your body deep enough to make you forget about the rest - the pain, the drugs… even John. I could, because I’m as intense as you are. But is this really what you’re searching for?

I… I don’t know. I would like to bury myself somewhere, right now. SH

See.

Don’t leave me, please. I can’t lose you as I lost John. SH

I won’t bail out on you as he did. Not if you want me at your side, despite all warnings. Your insecurities, your needs or your addictions… none of your dark parts frightens me. I deal with too much of them of my own to be scared.

So we will see each other again? SH

Let’s make a deal. If you still think what you said to me, if you still want me in your life… tomorrow night, call me. If you don’t, I’ll know I’ve lost. You won’t have to tell me, to see me ever again. I’ll move out, I’ll let you try again with John. Remember… with me, you’re free. You always will be, because as twisted as I may be I’ll never try to lock you up in a cage.

Deal. Thank you, Jim… SH

Take care, Mr Holmes.

See you tomorrow night, Jim. SH

Looking forward to it :D


	15. Chapter 15

Really, Sherlock.

Piss off. SH

Behaving like a horny teenager didn’t seem to improve your manners.

Horny teenager? How dare you? It’s not because sex alarms you, Mycroft, than I must live like a bloody priest. SH

Given the expanding number of your recent bed partners, I’d say we’re far from any church. Anyway, that’s not my main concern. After all, if you have finally discovered - albeit a little late - the intoxicating power a pretty face and a brilliant tortured mind can have on mere mortals, good for you.

What do you want, Mycroft? I don’t have time, I’m busy. SH

Don’t tell me you’re seeing him again tonight. Can’t seem to get enough?

You made John run away from me. I won’t lose Jim because of you and your stupid possessiveness. SH

Was it me really? Tell me, Sherlock, is it the drugs or the fact of letting someone repeatedly fuck your brains out that made you that blind? Both, maybe?

Fuck you. I won’t allow you, this time. SH

Damn, brother, will I always have to explain everything to you? Didn’t I let you do what you wanted after the hospital? The drug-indulging, the persistent self-misery after this so-called love affair, even your dubious meetings with this disgusting colonel… I let you do what you wanted so far, because you expressed your wish rather clearly and you’re not a child anymore. But I can’t let you go this far with this one. Sorry, little brother, choose another player. In the end the doctor was a far better choice, if you want my opinion - which I know you don’t.

How dare you call my relationship with John a “so-called love affair!” And no, indeed, I don’t want your opinion. You can’t believe that I don’t know that Jim hides dark parts. But I don’t care, because I’m pretty much broken and twisted, too. Don’t think for one second that I am an angel. Because of you, everything’s ended with John, and if I want to live something with Jim I won’t let you waste it. Deal with it, dear brother. SH

Well, a love affair which lasted, what… one night? Yet, you can’t believe the doctor has forgotten you, right? Nor that your breakup was only due to your evil brother? You have to grow up, Sherlock, even if it hurts. Anyway, dark parts are sometimes even blurrier than you could have suspected. I know you’re not thinking with your head when it comes to Jim Moriarty, so I’ll help you. How convenient that he was there the night John had a fight in a pub, and stopped the said fight, just in talking to John’s aggressors. How convenient he was persuasive enough that John accepted to move in with him. And how convenient that he was the one who convinced the same John to write to you again, after months of silence. Don’t you think?

What do you know of love, Mycroft? You don’t have a heart. And what are you implying about Jim? That he used John to approach me? Why would he do that? SH

I know that love is one of the most vicious motivators. And if I don’t have a heart, I suspect this man doesn’t either. I’m implying that he has a long tradition of using people to get what he wants, and that’s precisely what he seems to have done. How long did it take for him to end up in your bed?

Why would had he wanted so badly to end up in my bed, as you say? Fucking me doesn’t provide him anything. SH

Apparently they are quite a number who don’t to share that opinion. Do you really have to know everything, or could you for once trust me and stay away from this man?

I don’t trust you. If you have something important to say - and allow me to doubt it - tell me now. SH

Well then. He’s a professional cheater. At a brilliant enough level to have attracted my service’s attention, a few years ago. I won’t tell you more, it’s classified. Let’s say he was young and smart at equal measures, and he challenged me. As I’m smarter, he lost, and he had the good taste to take it gracefully. But he became… interested. He investigated on me. That must be the moment he discovered about you, I guess. Then we didn’t hear about him for a while, and when we did he had changed his skin again. Here in London. Jim the nice actor, living in a cheap neighborhood when he could own castles. The understanding, charismatic young man everyone wishes to have as a friend… or more. Well, I’m not sure what he wants now, but there’s a good chance he’s trying to get back at me throughout my tortured and addicted little brother - who happened to be much more accessible than I was. Do I need to carry on?

It’s always about you, isn’t it? Always. You can’t help but invading my life. None of my friends has ever been good enough to suit you - except one a long time ago, maybe, but too late, and I lost him. Years later you destroyed the most important relationship of my life. And now that I’ve found someone who could help me to feel better, you’re telling me this. You’re telling me he’s with me only because this is the best way for him to affect you. So, now, listen to me carefully, dear brother: I DON’T CARE. I fucking don’t care if that’s his real aim. I could sell you out to him without any remorse. I’ve understood that you want me to remain the high-functioning sociopath I was before meeting the love of my life, and I can tell you that it won’t ever happen again. Even if John leaves me for good, even if Jim is lying to me and will only give me a few more nights before leaving too, I won’t be again the sad and lonely sleuth I was. I’d rather do drugs until my mind palace blows up, until the huge hole in my chest blossoms, until my brain falls back into the chaos it should never had left. SH

Sherlock… despite what you seem to believe, I’m not your enemy. I care about your wellbeing, and at the moment you’re not well. I’ve noticed that when you were playing the sociopath, as you say, at least you were behaving. Then you decided to court the doctor, and everything went to hell. And now… You talk about Moriarty leaving you. But that’s not the worst that could happen. What if he decides to lash out at you? Or… at John? He sleeps in the same place as him, every night. And I know for a fact that if anything happens to John Watson, I’ll lose you. This prospect doesn’t suit me at all. I knew you would hate me if I intruded like I did, that’s why I waited, hoping you would send Moriarty away by yourself. But you didn’t. Do you see now why I’m compelled to do this? Do you really believe I’m enjoying hurting my brother once again, for his own good?

Believe it or not, Jim gave me a choice. He didn’t take advantage, when he perfectly could have. I don’t know him as you seem to do, my so smarter brother, but I know that if I’m not an angel, he’s not even on the side of the angels. And yet. He let me a choice, and promised to leave me alone, to let me try again with John if I didn’t want him. He won’t lash out at John. He won’t. I can’t believe that. SH

Sometimes I propose a “choice” to my prisoners, it gives them the illusion that I need to get what I want from them. Classic manipulation, and we know for a fact that Moriarty is dangerously clever. Anyway, let’s say for your sake that, maybe, he was sincere with you. But you’re not sure. Are you willing to take the risk? Sherlock, I can protect John, but not if my own brother is in the enemy’s arms! It gives him too much leverage, even for me. You’re my weakness, as John is yours.

For God’s sake!!!

I wish I could ease your pain, brother mine. But I’d rather have you sad and angry than dead.

Some people can die of sadness, but we know sentiment is not really your area. Are you done? I have other things to do. SH

What other things? Sherlock. Think before acting haphazardly. Please.

Leave me alone. SH

I could make him killed for you.

Don’t touch him. SH

Jesus, Sherlock… alright, I won’t. But in exchange, don’t go near him anymore.

Deal. But if you touch a single hair on his head, I will know it. Maybe I can’t hurt you, but you know quite well that I can hurt myself. So if you really care about my wellbeing as you said… honor your promise. SH

I don’t appreciate this threat, Sherlock. And what if he touches a hair on John’s head? Will you come to me crying, as you sometimes did in the past?

Believe me, he won’t touch John. I will personally take care of it. SH

No. Your security is more important than John Watson’s or anyone else’s. Don’t make me take you away from London again, you know you didn’t like it last time.

I won’t let you keep me away from John again, Mycroft. And his security is my security. If something happens to John, you know I couldn’t survive him. Now leave me alone. SH

What if I temporarily removed both of you and you let me deal with Moriarty?

Give me two days, Mycroft. Two days. SH

Forty-eight hours then. Not one more. And you should know, Moriarty has a large variety of enemies. If it’s not me, it can be anyone. He’s well used to this, not you. Don’t mingle.

Goodbye, Mycroft. Have a nice training, we both know that you have gained some pounds again. SH

And you’re too gaunt, even for you. Maybe you should swallow a little more than morphine and semen? Take care, brother mine.


	16. Chapter 16

Hello, Jim. SH

Mr Holmes. I was thinking of you ;)

I’ve been thinking a lot about you, too. SH

Is that so? Will I see you again tonight, then?

You have no idea how much I would like it. But I don’t know if I can. I’m worried for John… How is he today? SH

John? He’s fine. I haven’t seen him a lot lately. Why don’t you ask him.

Currently he’s your flatmate, not mine anymore. You seemed to care about him, and I thought you could give me some news. SH

Right now I care about a special someone, and it’s not John. But I saw him yesterday afternoon. We didn’t exchange a lot, he seemed fine. A bit preoccupied, I guess. Maybe you want me to set up a meeting for you two?

Not at all. I just… would like to be sure that you know how much I care about John Watson. If you care about me, you care about him, too. Do you understand? SH

No, not really. Is that your way of telling me you decided you’d rather be with him? There are simpler ways, you know. You could just tell me to fuck off.

No, it’s not what I meant. Jim. I think you’ve already understood that I knew perfectly well you weren’t just the nice actor you’re playing. I think you have understood, too, that I didn’t care. Yet, I have recently been contacted by someone who changed the rules. And I need you to know that if I’m not asking you anything about your activities, I require one thing from you. Only one. I want John Watson to be safe. SH

Someone who changed the rules? Is there yet another person who’s shaping your cage, Sherlock? How many of them? Well, it’s no use for me to try to convince you of anything now, right? I see you’ve already made up your mind. You don’t trust me - that’s wise. I can tell you, John is safe, but what value does it have? None.

Indeed, I don’t trust you. My brother seems to think that you came closer to me just to reach him, and maybe he’s right. Maybe all the things you said to me, the last night and the texts, maybe everything was a lie. But the truth is, as far as I’m concerned, that I don’t care. I fucking don’t care. You saved my shitty little life these last days. You saved it, not John, not Mycroft, not the people I trust. I could deal with the fact that I don’t know if you’re lying to me or not. I could deal with it. But I can’t risk John’s life. I just can’t. SH

And your brother’s always right, of course. You should listen to him. I’m sure he has told you all kind of incredible stories about me. After all, every fairy tale needs a good old-fashioned villain, and Mycroft Holmes was always going to be the white knight, wasn’t he?

And me, what am I for you? The useful piece between you both? SH

Maybe you were.

Fair enough, I guess. SH

No, it’s not fair. As I told you once, there’s nothing fair in this life. Only endless cruel games and cold-hearted players. You’re different. You have no place in this.

As you said, I’m in a cage. I had never felt as free as I was with you these nights. SH

I think I know exactly how it feels.

I crave for another night with you, Jim. But I can’t. SH

Why? Are your cage’s bars so thick?

Because I care. That’s something I’ve learnt to do, recently. SH

I understand. Well, John’s lucky.

John doesn’t want me in his life anymore. What will you do now? SH

Then he’s a lucky idiot. I’ll do as I always do, clean traces behind me and go on. I guess Jim the Brixton actor is dead now. I wonder how much time your brother will take to ensure this.

45 hours left. I dealt with him. SH

Wow. You’re awfully efficient. But I already knew that, didn’t I. ;) Maybe you shouldn’t have told me this though, you’re spoiling your brother’s fun. Or maybe it’s me who shouldn’t foolishly believe everything you say to me.

I can’t prove it, I have only my words. Time to say goodbye, I guess. SH

And I believed you. Well, take care. And no morphine for my sake, OK? Remember that talk in your bed, one early morning… hope is at every corner, when your eyes are open. So keep yours that way, they’re such a sight. Then… goodbye, Mr Holmes. It’s been a pleasure knowing you.

Take care of yourself, too. I get you’re attracted to dangerous games and mortal enemies, and you love being the villain. But sometimes the role we absolutely want to play is just another deceptive cage, and not the freedom we thought it was. Please, don’t provoke the white knight too much. I would hate to see him win. SH

You could be right. Deserting your role can be dangerous too, look at what happened to you… but maybe it was worth it. I’ll confess I loved trying, even for a few days. Thank you, and don’t worry too much for me, no knight will ever catch me ;)

Goodbye, Jim. Thank you. SH


	17. Chapter 17

Sherlock, are you there? Please, answer me…

John? Are you alright?

No, I’m… it’s hellish here, I. God, I’m not sure what happened…

Where are you? Home? Are you hurt? Alone? Did you call an ambulance? SH

I’m in a hospital, don’t know which one… I must have passed out, and driven here from the flat. I was shot in the ribs, don’t worry, I’m fine, it hurts like a son of a bitch but it stopped bleeding. They gave me some morphine, it should pass soon. I’m so dizzy, I… they won’t listen to me, I have to. Damn it hurts, wait…

John. John please stay with me. Shot in the ribs? Oh God. What happened? Who shot you? Tell me, I’m here. SH

Not a clue… I was at the pub with some friends from Jim’s last play, he was supposed to join us… but he didn’t, and I came back early at the flat, and the door was open and there were some masked men inside. Three, I think. I thought robbery, that’s frequent in the area… There was a body lying on the ground, and I’ve just had the time to look up when one of them fired at me without warning. I had too many drinks, no reflex and I just stayed frozen there, like a fucking mouse! And…

A body? Did you recognize him? And what John, what happened? Jesus you should be dead if you didn’t move what happened?? SH

No, he had a mask too… I. I had barely time to notice a moving shadow form the corner of my eye, on the left… It was Jim. He was so fast, he flung himself in front of me, he took the full impact of the bullet in the chest… he fell without a cry against me, and then I… I blacked out from the pain. God, it’s a nightmare.

Sherlock? Are you still here?

Are you telling me that a bullet crossed Jim’s body and landed between your ribs? That one single bullet could have killed Jim and has hurt you badly? SH

I… yeah. I don’t understand, I don’t know who brought me here and the medical staff won’t tell me if they admitted another man shot in the chest! I have no clue where he is, if he’s even still… it’s my fault!

Bullshit, John. That’s not your fault. I can’t believe… God. I must know… SH

Can you help me? Maybe your brother will know how to…

This fucking bastard doesn’t answer my calls! SH

Jim protected me without even thinking, he saved my life and I don’t know where he is now, if he’s bled to death… I have to get back there, I have to…

John. You’re hurt and disoriented, you don’t even know where you’ve been taken. I have some good reasons to believe that you are in my brother’s hands, and it means that at the moment, you’re safe. I need you to stay safe, John. I’m going there. I’m sure you won’t have any news about Jim at the hospital, so I’m taking care of it. I’ll know how he is. Can you trust me for this time? SH

What? How could your brother already have taken care of me? Where is he, in that case? And why can’t I have some news about Jim? He’s my friend, not a fucking terrorist for God’s sake, why isn’t he here at the hospital? If the bullet has touched his heart or a lung, he has very little chance, every minute is vital!

I’m on my way. I’ll find him. Believe me, I won’t let him die. SH

How? What will you do? Sherlock, it can still be dangerous out there. Go with your brother. Jesus, I wish I could walk right now…

You can’t trust my brother on this case. John. Stay in bed, please. I can’t worry that much for you… when I must… Just, stay safe please. I’ll do it on my own. SH

I don’t understand… Please, Sherlock, don’t… don’t leave me now, I need you, so much… I know it’s difficult and complicated between us, I know I screwed up, but. I still think about you, and when the man fired, when I thought I was dying… you were the last thing I saw. If something happens to you, I… I can’t handle this, damn, my head’s swarming…

John. Oh, John. I’m here. I’m staying with you. I am so, so sorry. Everything is my fault. I lost you, and now you’re hurt and suffering and… God. You thought you had a bad influence on me, but now I understand, it’s just the opposite. SH

No, I… why are you saying that? If I hadn’t dismissed you from my life, none of this… would have happened. Will you… will you come here soon? After your brother has found Jim? Will you stay with me?

John, I… I must find him myself. I would like to be with you, but… no one else will help Jim. If I don’t, nobody will and he will die, if he’s not dead already. Do you understand? But I’ll stay with you by phone. Please, keep texting me. I want to be sure that you’re safe. Does it still hurt or is the morphine finally working? SH

Why should you be the only one to help Jim? You don’t even know him. Can’t you call the cops, if your brother’s missing? I. I’m sorry to have been selfish… I think the morphine’s working, but I’m feverish, I’m not sure I’m making any sense. I may be drifting…

Talk to me, John. Please, stay with me. I’m clean but I’m drifting too, I’m so worried. SH

Don’t worry too much, Sherlock, I’ll be fine. This is a bit painful wound but not mortal, OK? The blow was softened by… fuck, I remember the blood spurting, the smell… and his body collapsing on mine, like a ragdoll. Why did they shoot? I was unarmed, so was he…

I swear to you that I’ll kill the bastard who shot you, and that I’ll make pay the piece of shit who gave the order. SH

Sherlock… now you’re frightening me… what’s going on?

Jim is not really who he seemed to be, John. SH

What do you mean? He’s a fine lad, and a caring friend. No one deserves what happened to him!

I know he’s a caring friend, John. But he’s not an inoffensive actor. Or rather, he’s a very good actor playing a specific role. For God’s sake! You don’t understand, right? Fine, I’ll get to the point. To be short, Jim is… a bad guy. And I know who gave the order to kill him tonight. SH

What? I… what are you talking about? Jim is the contrary of a bad guy! And are you implying you knew we would be under attack? From who?

I know, he… He was not a bad guy with you, he’s… Listen, he did a lot of questionable things, OK? I don’t know which ones exactly, but I know he’s smart, and a very good liar. But I’m sure he didn’t lie to you. Look at what he just did for you… But he chose another way, do you understand now? SH

I don’t understand a thing, and I don’t fucking care! Jim is my friend, and yes he protected me, and you’ve got to find him, you or the cops, he needs urgent medical care. No matter what anyone told you about him… maybe he was different in his past, but the guy I know is not like you say. Not at all.

I know, John. I’ll find him and I’ll save him. I would do anything to save him. It’s a promise. SH

OK. Don’t… don’t get yourself in trouble, please…

I would deserve it. SH

What? No, listen to me… I can sense that you’re not telling me everything, and that’s OK. I guess you have your reasons. But I’m sure nothing in this fucked up situation is your fault. If you do anything stupid, I don’t know what will become of me. You have to promise, you have to… don’t put anyone, me included, before you. Swear, Sherlock.

Don’t worry, John. You have to take care of yourself. You have to do that. To heal. To meet other people, to make new friends. To be happy. SH

Dammit, Sherlock, don’t bullshit me again! Swear, or I’ll escape from this sodding hospital and take care of things myself!

I… I swear. SH

Thanks. I… love you. Now go and be safe.

I love you too, John. SH


	18. Chapter 18

How do you dare not return my calls after what you did? SH

Answer me. Now! SH

I’m at the flat, and Jim’s not there. John’s lying in a hospital bed. You’d better answer me. SH

If you don’t, I swear I’ll make a very, very silly thing. You thought you had already seen me high or overdosing? Believe me, I can do much better. I’m waiting. SH

Dear brother, can you stop behaving like a difficult child begging for attention? I’m busy at the moment.

Oh you’re busy? If it’s not because you’re taking Jim to the nearest hospital to be sure he will receive the best treatment, I’ll never forgive you. How is he? Tell me. SH

That information is not of your concern anymore. Classified. We had a deal, Sherlock, and I respected it. And I believe John Watson is safe. He shouldn’t have been shot, but I ensured he’s under the best medical care. Hopefully he will recover quickly. Maybe you should be with him instead of in an empty flat, right now.

Do you even know what happened here? One of your stupid brutes shot John. And Jim interposed himself to save his life. Yes, I’m standing in an empty flat, an empty flat where I could have lost both John and Jim at the same time. With one bullet, Mycroft. One single fucking bullet. So let me tell you: I don’t really consider that you respected our deal. SH 

That was a regrettable slip-up which didn’t please me, as you may imagine. The too nervous shooter has been permanently removed from the team. In their defense though, my people were on red alert… one of them had just been brutally killed.

What did they want from Jim? What will happen to him? Where is he now? SH

I’m sure you told your precious lover about my deadline, didn’t you? So why was he still in the site where he knew my team would get him, after the forty-eight hours were spent? Maybe he wanted to have tea? Dull. I’m not interested in his reasons, brother mine, and you shouldn’t be either. Moriarty knew I was coming for him, he’s known it for years. He has brought his own end upon him, all by himself. Now he’s dead to you, forget him and move on. You have other things to take care of.

For years? Why, Mycroft? The world is full of bad guys, and you’re not a dragon slayer. So why him? SH

I see your pillow talk had its own limits. Moriarty seemed to think you didn’t have to know everything, and for once I tend to agree with him. Let’s just say we had our own accounts to settle.

We didn’t do pillow talk. Not like this. We just didn’t ask anything to each other. But that must totally escape you, right? Letting the others be free. You’d rather control everything, everyone, even your own brother and his relationships. Admit it, Mycroft. Everything’s just a power game to you, nothing more. And if people are killed or lives ruined along the way, you don’t care at all. SH

And you don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t push me, Sherlock. Don’t.

Yes, I never know what I’m talking about, that has always been your favorite sentence with me. You’re the smart one, the only one to understand how the world turns. Does your astounding mind give you the right to control the whole country and decide who gets to live and who doesn’t? Maybe it’s best to be a sad lonely sleuth than a frightening spider in its web. SH

If you hadn’t spent your time challenging me since you were seven, maybe I wouldn’t have had to be that way with you. The drug abuse, the sociopath role, the endless rebellious behavior towards all kinds of authority, and especially mine… do you never get tired of all this? And now, the scandalous love affair with the man who’s been playing hide and seek with me for years. So you really want to learn why he’s special to me, Sherlock? You really do? You think that’s just a game between two powerful minds, and maybe it was, at the beginning. It stopped to be at one point. You see, his murder tonight was not the first. He’s already killed one of my agents, five years ago. Her name was Anthea. She was a very promising element that I had trained myself. And as it happens, she was also quite… dear to me. Well, as you firmly believe I’m heartless, I reckon this will be a rather difficult concept to grasp for you.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for her, and for you. SH

It’s no use. She knew the risks. She was smart and bold, and wished to impress me by catching the big fish on her own. But he was smarter, and unlike her he had no soul to deal with. She hesitated, he didn’t. End of story. Now, if you really mean what you just said, you won’t care about what happened to him anymore. You’ll force yourself to forget, as I did, because that’s what people do. At least you still have someone else in your life.

Yes, I have someone else in my life, someone who doesn’t want me anymore, but I’ll take care of him as much as he lets me. But I didn’t just sleep with Jim, Mycroft. He saved my life. I know you don’t want to listen, but it’s the truth. He saved it exactly like he saved John’s, and you’re perfectly aware of what would have happened if John had been killed tonight. And maybe forgetting is what people do, but we both know that we’re not like other people. I’m asking you this as a last favor. Tell me if he’s alive, and if he is promise me that you don’t plan to kill him. SH

I fear you’re mistaken about who, between yourself and the doctor, is the one that don’t want the other anymore. But it’s your life. And if you’ve decided to believe Moriarty saved it, then so be it. We all shape our own truths. And he certainly saved John’s, for whatever obscure reason. That’s why he’s still breathing now, and why I may let him continue to do so. But even if he survives, he won’t ever be free, Sherlock. You won’t ever see him again. No one will.

I guess it’s the best offer you can give me, and I’ll take it. But no doubt you understand that I can’t forgive you for what happened tonight. I’m not sure we will see each other again. So, goodbye, brother mine. Keep your promise. SH

Indeed it is the best I can do. And I’d thought you wouldn’t forgive me for what happened. I must say that if I’m not surprised, it pains me a lot. I am sorry, dearest brother, but maybe you’ll see, one day, this story for what it really was. I have a last gift for you, though, even if it won’t change a thing. Do you wish to hear it?

I’m listening. SH

Before Moriarty went on surgery, he briefly regained consciousness. He was hallucinating and most likely in great pain, but the nurse managed to understand what he was whispering. His words were: “And so the villain fell in love with the prince, and the white knight finally won”. I suppose this will mean something for you.

It does. Farewell, Mycroft. SH


	19. Chapter 19

Hey, Sherlock. You asked me to tell you how I was doing, so. I’m almost healed, and I’ve got another beautiful scar now. I wanted to thank you for having visited me so often at the hospital, last month. And… to tell you what we discussed the last time you came still stands for me. Well… I guess that’s it. I hope you’re well. J.

Hello, John. Glad to learn you’re feeling better at last. I talked to Mrs Hudson, the flat remained empty since I left. So we can move back quickly, if it suits you. SH

That’s… that’s great news. I’m quite tired of that cheap hotel ;) So, about the move. I thought we could hire people to take back my stuff from, hem, Brixton. I… I’d rather not get back there myself…

That’s a good idea, John. I’m on a case today, but we could start to move in tomorrow. For this last night, if you can’t bear the hotel any longer, you could sleep in my flat. I don’t mind. SH

Interesting case? I’m glad you resumed taking those. And thanks a lot for the offer, but I don’t want to bother you for your last night there… I recall you told me once it’s a small flat you have, and I’m not sure to be able to sleep in a couch yet, with my ribs and all. But… I appreciate it.

Not at all, a very boring one. Almost solved. I could leave you my bed and take the couch. SH

Oh. You know, I miss the cases. Maybe we could… work on one together again, one day? And… why not, if you really don’t mind… this hotel is quite depressing, ah ah. You sure?

Yes, I am. Will you make me some tea? SH

I will. Will you tell me about this boring case and let me marvel about it?

There is really nothing to marvel about, but yes, I will. And I would like your opinion on another one Greg has just brought me. SH

With great pleasure. I may be a bit rusty, but I’ll try. And I won’t resume work at the clinic before two weeks, so I’ll have time. So… do you think we’ll be… alright again?

I think that I miss you a lot, and that I would love to find again my flatmate and best friend… And you, what do you think? SH

The… same, I guess. I’ve felt quite alone since… well, you know.

I know. I am sorry, John. SH

Do you… think about it, sometimes?

Yes. A lot. SH

Oh… I miss him, you know. I wish you’d met him, he was worth to be known. Maybe he would have even made you smile, he could do that with everyone.

He was a good friend for you. I’m grateful for everything he did. I know you will never forget him, and even if the pain of the loss is the price to pay, it’s worth it. SH

Yeah, I guess it was. It’s just that sometimes… it’s difficult to grieve someone’s death without knowing why it had to… well, I’ve understood it’s best not to ask, and after all maybe I’d rather keep this sunny image of him, without the lurking darkness. Someday though, I’ll ask you again… or not.

Don’t ask John, please. Don’t ask. SH

I. OK… It’s OK, Sherlock, don’t be upset. Whatever it was, I’m sure you weren’t involved. I suspect your brother was, and I can only thank him to have saved me from a quite painful end that night. So I’ll keep quiet. And it has nothing to do with us, so. I’m glad I’m still here to make you tea ;)

Don’t talk about my fucking brother, John. Ever. I’ll never see him again. He did nothing good that evening, nothing! Just don’t forget what Jim did. He was the true knight that time. SH

Sherlock…? I’m sorry. I didn’t understand you were so angry with him… I don’t know very well what happened between you and Mycroft, but I do know what it feels to love and hate a sibling at the same time… Don’t waste too much time, though. He’s your only family left, and despite every mistake he may have done, he cares about you. A lot.

No, he doesn’t. And I don’t want to talk about him, ever. Is it clear? SH

It is. Sorry to have wounded you.

John. You’re right, it has nothing to do with us. And if I won’t explain to you what happened, it’s to protect you, you understand? Do you still want to move in with me? Do you still trust me? SH

Yes. I do.

Thank you, John. Dinner tonight? Chinese? Japanese? SH

Chinese would be great. See you tonight, then ;)

See you tonight, John :)


	20. Chapter 20

Ten months later

On a case. Three armed men. American. Need some help. Could be dangerous. SH

Where?

Forbidden Planet. Address on the Net. Shop for nerds, lots of weird useless stuff. SH

Yeah, I know this place, Sherlock! Used to spend hours in the Doctor Who section. You’re unbelievable, you know that? Can be here in twenty. Hold on, OK?

OK. I locked myself in the stock room. The door seems to be… quite solid. What’s that, Doctor Who? SH

A super-intelligent alien. A bit like you. Wait… they’re aware of your presence?!

An alien…? Me? Yes of course they are. That’s why I need your help. SH

Damn. I’m coming fast to save you. I’ve made my cab driver a rich man, we’re racing. An alien, yeah… Sometimes I get the feeling you’re an otherworldly creature, you know, with your pretentious brain and your impossible cheekbones. Or maybe it’s the other way around?

My… cheekbones…? SH

Oh come on Sherlock, you can see your face in the mirror everyday, don’t you. Can you not take graciously a backhanded compliment when someone gives you one?

I… Well. I should thank you, so. My… cheekbones say thank you, I guess. SH

Tell them it’s my pleasure.

I suppose I should return the compliment. But I prefer your eyes to your cheekbones, not a problem? SH

Sherlock… are you flirting with me while locked up in the stock room of the Forbidden Planet, surrounded by three eager Americans? That’s nasty. :D

Your deduction skills tonight are quite stunning. SH

Lucky for you my skills in saving your smart ass are even better! Almost here.

My smart ass is aching right now. Had sort of a fight with these gentlemen before locking myself in. SH

Excuse me? Your… ass is aching?

Yes. The blond one pushed me rather fiercely and I fell on a tray full of what seemed to be luminous false plastic swords. Ouch. SH

You fell on a bunch of lightsabers? Ouch indeed! The blond one, mmh? I’ll take care of him first, then.

Thank you very much, John. And beware of the big one, he’s quite trigger-happy. SH

As a matter of fact, I am too. I take it they tried to shoot you? Don’t worry, they won’t see me coming. And Greg’s on his way, too. 

I’m glad you’re coming, you know. SH

Jesus, you’re being… nice! Did they also hit you on the head, or something?

In fact… yes. I think I’ll be sporting a pretty black eye before tomorrow. SH

What?! Damn, I think I’m gonna tell Greg to take his time, and make them do a slow visit of the shop. Crawling on their knees.

I agree with that. Don’t want Greg to try dragging me to the hospital. Best if he doesn’t see me and my doctor takes care of me, I think. SH

Of course I’ll take care of you. But you should have told me sooner you were really hurt!

I preferred joking with you. Surprising, isn’t it? And I’m not so badly hurt. Don’t worry so much. SH

Have I told you you’re unbelievable? 

Yes. Is it a compliment? SH

Who knows…!

You should hurry up a bit, John. The door won’t hold much longer. SH

Yup, I’m right here. Indian takeaway tonight?

Talking about the evening menu when you’re about to fight three armed men, and I’m the one who’s unbelievable…? Indian would be perfect. SH

Great, I feel like tikka masala tonight. Well, I’d say we make the ideal team. See you in 2’!

Waiting for you, my dear partner in crime. SH


	21. Chapter 21

Two days later

How’s the black eye?

Far better! Dinner tonight? SH

Good. Mmh, I would have loved it, but I can’t tonight. I thought you only came back tomorrow…

Oh. You’ve got a date. SH

Well, I. Yes. I met her yesterday at Tesco’s, we had our eye set on the same pineapple, and one thing leading to another… you see.

I see. So good evening then. See you tomorrow, I guess. SH

Wait! So you’ll be home tonight? How was your trip to Oxford? Any luck with the rector’s stolen letters?

Yes, I will. The trip was boring, the love letters incredibly vulgar and the assistant’s motives obvious, I don’t even know why they called me there. SH

Bugger. I guess not every case can be as fun as the other day at the Forbidden Planet… even if I prefer to know this one wasn’t. A cab trip to Oxford would have cost me a month’s pay ;) 

The Forbidden Planet is the best case I had these last months. SH

Oh? For me too, I think. Except for your black eye and your… sore ass, of course.

Of course. SH

Still sore?

Maybe a little. But it doesn’t matter. SH

You should have let me see.

Is there an appropriate treatment for a sore ass? SH

Well, I’m not sure the one that comes to mind would really improve the soreness…

Maybe it’s not too late. SH

It’s not…?

To take a look at it, I mean. SH

Ah. Hem. Well, I’m a meticulous doctor. I could… cancel Stella.

You would do that? SH

I don’t really care about this date. I don’t even know her. I just… needed to blow off steam, you know. It’s been a while.

I know. Who I am to prevent you from spending such a good time? SH

The one I would rather be with tonight, if I had the choice…?

Do you think you don’t have it? SH

Do I?

I think you already know the answer to your question, John… SH

Precisely, Sherlock… I don’t really. I mean… we managed to build something good despite everything that happened… I told myself it was for the best, what we are now, close friends and work partners. After the first difficult months you seemed to become peaceful if not happy, you had stopped using right after that awful night - you stopped just like that, I was so proud of you, and… well, I don’t want to spoil any of this just because I’m sexually frustrated and still bloody attracted to you. 

Maybe you’re right. SH

Maybe I am. But you, what do you think? Where do you stand in all that?

I have needs, too. And the attraction is mutual. But I don’t want to lose you again, neither complicate everything. Too precious. Maybe I should go to a club, tonight. SH

Well, I. Why not. What if I came along?

I was thinking about a gay club, John. SH

I figured.

Are you attracted to men, now? SH

No. Just one, always the same. And I imagine that his sore little ass would need protection, in a place like this.

Oh. I think… it could be great. To go there with you. If you wanted. SH

I’m all for new experiences :) As long as, hem, I’m left in a relative peace there, but I imagine a simple “no thanks” is enough? Do you want to go tonight?

Yes, “no thanks” is enough. I would look after you, too. I wouldn’t leave you alone, if that was your wish. And yes, we could go tonight. Dinner before? SH

I think I’d like that, the idea of you coldly rebuffing an eager suitor for my sake… hell yes, I’m starving. Angelo’s? You’ll get there before me, I’m a bit far. The pineapple lady had the good taste to live in the northern suburb.

Yeah, it would happen exactly like this. And you, will you reject the potential advances made to me? Angelo’s would be great. I’m glad you won’t see her, in the end. I don’t like the suburb. SH

No one else will touch you if that’s not your desire. And… I’m glad too that you didn’t come back only tomorrow. Hmm, Sherlock…?

Yes, John? SH

How does it look like, that sort of place? I suppose it’s like a regular club, with just men… drinking, dancing… maybe kissing, or… tell me what I should expect…?

Exactly what you’re saying. Nothing frightening, John. Men offering drinks to another men. Music, sensual dancing. Kisses, yes, and a little more. And alcoves or rooms for those who wish… to go a little bit further. Couples, or more. SH

Oh, that’s… interesting. Funny, gay clubs seem to look like straight sex clubs… or maybe that’s your favored kind of gay clubs? Alright, not sure I’m making sense here. Hey, no dress code right? Because I’m in jeans and a shirt. And have you ever, hem… OK, perhaps it’s too personal… 

No dress code, don’t worry. Ask me what you want, I’m listening. SH

OK. So… did you ever experiment the alcoves… with more than one partner?

… No. Would you… like it? SH

No! Hem, I mean, not exactly, not ready… to share, I think. But if you really wanted to, I. I could… you, would you like it…?

I think that taking you with me in an alcove could be a perfect enough plan. SH

Mmh. Right. Indeed it could. I’d like to… kiss you, there. And maybe… is it private?

Yes, I wouldn’t take you in a place like that otherwise. So, just for a kiss…? SH

I don’t think I’d be able to stop here, no. Not if we’re alone, together in a dark place… 

Good. Because I want you, John. And pretty badly. SH

OK, I. At what time does this club open?

10 PM. Don’t tell me you want to cancel it. SH

If I listened to myself, I’d come home right now and… but no, let’s try this. Let’s go to Angelo’s where you will watch me eat pasta as usual, then let’s go to that club, let’s dance like two lovers to some ridiculous music and then… visit together the dark corners ;)

OK, we can do this. SH

Yeah, we will. Can’t wait.


	22. Chapter 22

Hello, John. I’m on a case, an odd one I reckon. Quite resisting. Are you fine? We didn’t have time to talk this morning. SH

Hi, Sherlock! Yeah, you were sound asleep when I got up for work, didn’t want to disturb you. I’m fine, a bit of a hangover and trouble not to get sleepy in front of the patients, but… I feel more than fine, actually. And you? Particularly difficult case then?

Not really. Just don’t seem to be really able to think properly. So… We’re fine, you promise? Will you be home tonight? For a… normal evening, I mean. SH

Lack of concentration, perhaps…? For my part, I’d say we’re more than fine ;) In fact, I had something a bit different from normal in mind for tonight… I thought that we could do it again…? but maybe I’m too greedy! And maybe your sore behind’s had enough…?

Do it again… At the club? SH

Not necessarily… That music was awful, but the booze was alright and I’ll admit I quite liked the time we spent in the alcove. Nice place… ;)

Nice place, indeed. My sore ass could endure that, I guess. Even if you weren’t so… cautious with it, last night. SH

You provoked me.

Maybe a little, yes. SH

On the dancefloor, when you turned your back to me and shamelessly rubbed yourself on my crotch, did you really think I wouldn’t make something of that demanding behind, as soon as I could?

As you say… it was a really demanding behind. He did it all by himself, I swear. SH

I loved taking care of him, at the club and after, in my bed…

I loved it too, you know. I feared it would be one night only, that we wouldn’t do it again. SH

Hey. Last night was a really beautiful one. We could enjoy this, us, without asking ourselves too many questions… what do you think?

I think it could be perfect. What do you want for dinner, tonight? SH

Let’s see… you?

I. Well. When will you be home? I think I’ll just drop that stupid case. SH

I’ll be going soon, I’m not very performant either this afternoon… One more hour maybe, and I’ll bolt. You know I didn’t have time to have a proper shower earlier? My hair still smells like your perfume. It’s… distracting.

Oh. It’s distracting to read this, too. SH

I was much more focused last night… until I wasn’t anymore. ;)

Are you trying to make me leave at once, come here and drag you in a cupboard with me? Because you’re remarkably good at it. SH

You wouldn’t dare! Wait, but I remember you did something like this, a long time ago. You came to the office where I was working at the time and you dragged me by the hand… outside, not a cupboard. For a case, that time. The secretary never believed I was straight, after that. You git.

I remember it very well. And don’t provoke me. SH

Well, she should see us now. By the way, I didn’t have the time to tell you, but a guy hit on me yesterday at the club! When you were ordering the second round at the bar… or the third, not sure anymore…

A guy hit on you? And what did you do? SH

Yeah, a ginger fortyish dude, looked like… a regular guy, I don’t know. He just asked if he could buy me a drink, and I said I was accompanied. By this tall dark-haired stranger, at the bar. He looked at you and he said… no, I shouldn’t tell you, you don’t really need to know that!

What did he say? Tell me. SH

He said, exactly: “Wow. Lucky bastard.” I almost took offense, ha!

Oh. SH

Don’t get too smug. Or I’ll have you on your knees again.

Is it how you prefer me…? SH 

I enjoy you like this, but not only. I also like it very much when you’re trapped under me… when I see you unravelling for me, your eyes never leaving mine.

I’ll be forced to leave the crime scene, John. I’m aroused. SH

Are you, Mr Holmes? 

Oh. I. John. Can you… can you not call me like that? Please. SH

What? You don’t like your own name now?

Please… SH

I. OK. Of course, no problem. 

Please, don’t be angry with me. SH

Why would I? Everyone has his kinks. I’ll call you whatever you like, if you give me another blowjob like you did at the club yesterday. God, you became good at this, you know.

Sherlock…?

I enjoyed doing it to you, John. And yes, I’ll do it again. I won’t let us time to think, all night. SH

That’s quite an exciting promise… Damn, I can’t wait to see you. It’s… it’s not a problem if I don’t… reciprocate that kind of acts for now, right?

No, it’s not, John. Everything is fine. SH

It’s not that I don’t want… that you’re not… I just didn’t ever think that I’d… OK, I’m being ridiculous, huh.

No you’re not, I understand. Maybe later… Maybe it could please you, too. SH

Maybe, yeah… I want everything, with you. I trust you, so much. Always did.

John… We both know that I didn’t always deserve that trust, but… I’d like to tell you that you can, in spite of everything. And I trust you, too. SH

No, I don’t believe that. You deserve my trust, and so much more. I’m so… happy we’re living this, together.

Don’t… don’t think that, John. I haven’t been good for you. But I’m very happy too, you know. SH

You’ve been everything to me. Just “good” would have been boring.

You’re the best man I’ve ever known. I’m so proud to be your flatmate… And your best friend. SH

You’re my best… all that you’ll wish to be. I don’t care if I’m being too much right now, or if we will keep doing whatever we’re doing now. I want you in my life, more than ever.

You would like more than that we had this night…? What if I disappoint you? You know I’m not good at this. SH

Don’t go down that way again, Sherlock. Let’s give us a chance… I was not good at it either, remember…? But I’d like to try again, with you. I’ve been thinking about it these last weeks, a lot.

Did you forgive me? SH

Yeah. Did you forgive me?

Yes, John. If there is someone I haven’t forgiven yet, it’s me. And I can’t wait to see you tonight… I can’t wait. SH

You should forgive yourself. You were so new to all this. I was too, in my own way. But I know, now. I shouldn’t have let you down when you relapsed. I sincerely thought at the time that I was helping, that I was putting you first, before my sake. I’ve come to realized that it was not that simple… someone who’d have loved you, who’d have truly known how… to love someone like you, would have stayed at your side, no matter what. The truth is that I was scared.

So you think you didn’t love me then? SH

Of course I did. But I did it wrong.

I… I’m not sure I can really be the one you want me to be, John. SH

Hey. Where did that come from? I’m very fond of who you are, Sherlock, wouldn’t want to change you. Except for the eyeballs in the breakfast tea, perhaps! You… do know that, right?

Not really. I don’t know if I can be enough for you. But… I would like to keep you. I would like to carry on living with you, solving cases with you, sharing nights with you as the last one… Yes, I would love it… SH

I’d love that too. All of it. Home night, then…?

Yes, John. Oh yes… SH


	23. Chapter 23

Three months later

Still sulking, detective?

I’m not sulking. I never sulk. SH

Oh no, not ever. Even when I removed your toxic solutions from the bathroom, or when I made you clean up the gory mess you made at the lab the other day? Or… when I talked a bit with that blond client this morning?

You didn’t talk a bit! She was flirting and you were clearly answering to her implied courting. SH

I wasn’t even really awake! It was too early and we just spent the night screwing, do you think I wasn’t sated after what you did to me, twice in a row? I didn’t even care about what she was saying…!

She was totally your type, and even if you seem to appreciate what I do to you, I know I’m not a bloody woman, John. Maybe you will get tired of me soon. After all, we’ve been fucking almost every night for the last three months. We don’t even really argue anymore! It’s so… peaceful. You could get bored! SH

So that’s the real problem. You have a flat chest, damn! how could I not realize that, after months of senseless fucking? Ah, Sherlock. You really think a simple flirty blond lady will be all that it takes to make you get out of my head? Or of my bed, for that matter? I don’t understand how someone like you can be so unsure of himself, sometimes… and are you really complaining because everything’s fine and nice between us? You’re the one who gets bored, not me, should I remind you a certain wall? Maybe I should be the one worrying!

A flirty blond lady could remind you quite well that you’re not gay, as you repeated me so many times at the beginning! SH

But I am, for you. I thought you’d had noticed, by now, with all that we do in bed, even if for some parts you’re way more gifted than I’ll ever be. Yes, I can still see and appreciate female beauty, but just the idea of you naked against me makes me hard, as you’re perfectly aware. Why do you regularly need me to reassure you on these subjects? I’ve always been faithful to you, since the beginning. I don’t want any other lover than you, Sherlock. And for the record, I threw away the number she gave me when she left, after you stormed out of the flat claiming this was the most agonizing dull case of your whole career - how rude.

She gave you her number…? I wasn’t rude enough to her, so. SH

She said you frightened her, unlike me!

For God’s sake, of course you didn’t frighten her, you two were flirting like bloody teenagers! SH

OK, she was, but all by herself. For the thousandth time, you’re the only one I want to flirt with, and more! And should I mention the many starving looks you got the rare times we went back in that club? Sometimes I had the feeling I needed a leash for you!

I… I hadn’t noticed. A leash? Is it something you already thought about? SH

You notice everything. Hem, no, did you…?

No. SH

Mmh. Good. OK, then… from now on, no blond clients, and no gay clubs! :p

“Good”? I have fantasies, you know. SH

You… But yes, of course you have. Never said otherwise. And I may have noticed some of them, too. But if by any chance you had new ones to experiment… please feel free to tell, I’d be more than happy to help!

Are you laughing at me, John? SH

I’d never dare!

Sherlock? Aw, come on, I was not mocking you. It’s just that sometimes you have this special way to express yourself, analytical and all, that mixes funny with that kind of subject, and it’s quite… endearing. 

Oh, I’m sorry that I am not as good at dirty talk as you. Maybe I should practice more. SH

As long as it’s with me… ;) 

OK, I’ll send you some dirty texts this afternoon. Should we fix a time? SH

Oh my God, you’re doing it again. That way of talking. You know what? In fact, that’s quite arousing. Don’t stop!

I don’t understand what you mean, but OK, I won’t stop. I love it when you’re aroused. SH

I love it too. And this conversation reminds me of something… a fantasy of mine I recently had… wanna hear it?

Go on. SH

You, tied naked to the bedpost… at my complete mercy. Well, I know for a fact you could free yourself from any handcuffs, but what can I say, a lad has to dream!

I’ll never free myself from you, John. You can do everything you want to me. SH

Oh. Oh. That’s… I like this, very much. 

Really? You like it when I’m under your control, don’t you? When you pin me against the mattress, under you, when you hold my wrists and kiss me hard? SH

Yeah, I like that, couldn’t hide it even if I tried, right? But not as much as I like the idea that you… won’t ever want to be free from me.

Not too frightening, then? SH

Not for me, not anymore. You…?

I’m trying not to be. But I can tell you that I loved every moment spent with you. From the beginning. SH

:D So… feeling better, now detective?

Yes… Yes, I am. SH

Great. Will you be back home tonight, then?

I will. SH


	24. Chapter 24

Hi John, it’s Mike. Still up for that game on Friday night? Will you bring your significant other this time, or is he still allergic to… what did he say… “this obnoxious display of virile men running around in socks like monkeys in heat”…?

Hey there mate! Of course I’m in. And, yeah, hem, I’ll come on my own. Sorry for that vivid image, that’s how charming he can be sometimes! 

Not a problem. After all I’ve known Sherlock for a long time now! I’m used to him.

Yeah, that’s true. You were the one who set us up, all these years ago ;) Well, can’t say he hasn’t changed since, but I guess some things will always remain the same, like Sherlock and football games…

Aha sure! But how could someone like him enjoy simple pleasures as football…?

Not sure, indeed. Though he still manages to surprise me, every now and then… last Sunday he even cooked me breakfast! I kept eying the eggs wondering what toxic substance he could have added in the mixture… But he was so keen on me trying, I decided to live dangerously. And it was… more than good. Actually, those were perhaps the best spiced scrambled eggs I ever had! He was so pleased with himself afterwards, as usual, but this time I had to agree with him.

Aw, that’s cute! I can’t imagine him cooking, but if it was for you… I’m not so surprised ;)

Thanks God he can’t hear you. And thank you for telling me this, too… Yes, I feel like we’re finally on the right track. It took a while, but… yeah, that feels nice. I suppose I know more now about what you have with Joanne.

I don’t think that it took such a while. Yeah, Joanne and I are really happy now, but we had some bad days, too. And for Sherlock and you… Well, I could have told you that you were made for each other since the first day you met him, ya know!

Not sure how I would have reacted to that… I could be a real prick on these days, and I haven’t spared Sherlock… well, you remember some parts of it. That night when I ended up at your house, when he… hmm, no, I don’t like to remember that. I still feel too guilty about his relapse, and… everything.

There are platonic love stories, John. I’m pretty sure you were, somehow, in love with Sherlock from the first day. But don’t blame yourself for what happened. It takes two to tango, right? You both did what you could, then. Maybe you weren’t ready, and neither was he. It’s over, now.

I. Yes, you might be right on that. And we both made mistakes, but… I can’t help to think sometimes, that I was the one… in charge, you see what I mean? He hadn’t any experience on dating, being with someone… being in love, as an adult. But when I saw him in withdrawal, so miserable and in pain, I thought it was my fault. And I was scared, damn I was. It was Harry happening all over again… I bolted. I left him to deal alone with all that ugly mess I’d created. I’m not sure why he gave me a second chance like this. For a while, after… Brixton, I felt like he was on the verge of leaving me. He never said anything, yet something had changed. He had changed. Well, I don’t know why I’m bothering you with all this today, it’s old stuff.

That’s what friends do, right? Don’t apologize, I plagued you enough with my own problems a few years ago, now it’s my turn to help a little :) I’m sorry things got pretty bad like that between you two. But I can understand why you reacted like this, and so can he, I’m sure. That was a bad timing and a bad situation, and well, what happened in Brixton had nothing to do with you, right? Maybe he was distant for a while because he felt bad for all this shit? Did he feel somewhat guilty for… you know what?

For the other men, you mean? I know there was a least one, and maybe more. But apart for… that one time, for the others we weren’t together anymore, so. He was free to do as he wanted. As for the circumstances of Jim’s death… it wasn’t related to us, but to Mycroft. First I grieved for Jim alone, I didn’t want to burden Sherlock with it. Anyway when I finally talked about it, I sensed that it was hard for him. I suspect he hasn’t talked to his brother since. I prefer not to know. The relationship between the Holmes brothers is so difficult to understand… and I didn’t wish to intrude. But sometimes, Sherlock has this faraway look in his eyes, when he thinks I don’t see him. I’m sure he misses Mycroft as much as he believes he hates him. Siblings…

I’m not so sure he misses his brother that much. I know it’s complicated between them at the moment, but it seems to me it has always been like that. Anyway, he didn’t leave you, you’re together now, at the beginning of a new beautiful chapter of your story :D Hmm, I’m being quite mushy, right?

Well, we’ll never really know what’s going on inside their heads, won’t we? And yes, Mike, that’s a bit mushy but I’ll confess I feel the same sometimes. We’re good now, even if sometimes I’m stupidly afraid he could… get bored. Actually that’s what he said about me, once. But the thing is I don’t get bored like him, I’m not… him. I mean, since I met Sherlock he’s always been attracted to danger, uncertainty… precipices. And now, besides the cases he shares a rather quiet domestic life with me, and he seems happy enough… yet. Well, that’s just a weird feeling I get sometimes, that he compels himself to be what I wish him to be, to fit in this life we built, and. But I guess I’m not the only one to ask myself that kind of question…

No indeed. There are no perfect couples, John, we’re all lonely animals trying to learn how to live together, because it’s so bloody complicated. We all try to change or evolve or adapt for the sake of people we love. And after all that’s quite a danger or a precipice, don’t you think? I’m not sure that taking care of a relationship that is important for you can ever become boring, you see? Too many efforts to make ;)

You’re damn right! And I can say he’ll never let me time to breathe, let alone get bored! Thanks mate, for the little chat. You’re a good friend ;) I should dash and see if he’s home already trying to find new ways of blowing up the kitchen. See you on Friday then?

Friday it is. Good luck with the kitchen!


	25. Chapter 25

John? I’m back, I thought you would be here. I need your opinion about a case. Come at once if convenient. SH

If inconvenient come anyway. SH

John? Where are you? SH

***

Where’s John? SH

Hem, hello, Sherlock!

Good evening Mike. I don’t know where John is. He left his phone here. Is he with you, for one of your stupid guys’ nights out? SH

It was almost perfect, the beginning of your text… and then, boom. Charming Sherlock. Well, no, I’m not with him. He could just have forgotten his phone, no need to be so on edge.

I don’t like it. He never forgets his phone. Almost never. SH

Listen, I haven’t seen him since last week, but at the time he mentioned… something involving Harry. Has he talked to you about her?

Not recently. Has she been found dead-drunk again? Why didn’t he mention it to me? SH

God, Sherlock. Maybe because he didn’t wish to hear that kind of description?

I’d thought he would have talked to me about it. SH

Hey… don’t be like this. I was kidding, you do know that…? Perhaps… he wanted to spare you. Talking about addictions to an… well, to you, it’s not necessarily a good idea, right? I’m sure he’ll come back as soon as he’s settled things up with his sister.

I’ve been clean for months, now. Isn’t it what people do where they’re in a relationship? Rely on each other, should there be a problem? I could have helped. I would have wanted to. SH

I know you could have, and I’m sure that John knows it too. Give him time, OK? All I know is that he had a call from the clinic, maybe it’s just a routine check-up. And… John trusts you. He really does.

Maybe he shouldn’t. SH

Why are you saying that?

Nothing. Doesn’t matter. I’m not sure I’m a good person for him, that’s all. SH

I don’t follow. You’ve been together for months now, and you two seem good. Just because he went to see his addicted sister alone doesn’t mean he’s not still head over heels in love with you!

That’s… that’s nice, the way you describe it. Well. Sorry for the trouble. I’ll just… wait for him then. SH

That’s just what it looks like, from the outside ;) Relax, Sherlock, OK? You’ve overcome so much, together. Don’t spoil it now. He’ll need you when he comes back.

I’ll be there for him. Goodbye, Mike. SH

Bye, Sherlock.

***

Sherlock? Did you shoot that wall again? I’m home, by the way. 

Yes, I did. SH

Not even trying to deny? I should scold you. But you’re in luck, I missed you too much for this. Infuriating case, then?

Not really. But when I came home, you weren’t here. SH

I’m sorry, I had to leave quite in a hurry. And I forgot my phone :( That’s why I came back early. And you’re the one not here now!

I’m walking in the streets. I saw you forgot your phone - I didn’t like it. SH

Hey. I’m sorry, OK? It never happens, right? I had a lot on my mind, that’s all. Come back, please…?

Why didn’t you tell me about your sister? SH

I was just going to, if you weren’t so… straightforward. How did you know…?

I asked Mike. SH

Of course you did. Well, aren’t you going to ask me how it went?

Indeed. How did it go? SH

Your spontaneity is amazing. Harry had a relapse. It was hard… But it’s been the only one for five months, and we talked a lot. She says she’s confident, and… I think I am too. I have hope!

Well. It’s good if she manages to remain confident. SH

You don’t think it will last?

I’d rather not answer this question. I’m trying to be… encouraging. SH

By the way, I’m really sorry, John. SH

Fair enough, I guess. Why are you sorry?

Because you’re sad, and I don’t like it. SH

You’re being lovely. I’m less sad already. Will be even less if you come back here and take me in your arms. How does it sound?

It sounds just perfect… Even if I don’t think I’m that good for you. SH

Excuse me? Where does this come from?

When I saw you left your phone, I decided to check your last talk with Mike to see if you told him where you went. But you didn’t say, in your last talk. You said… other things. SH

What last talk…? Oh. Dammit, Sherlock! You can’t do that! I never pry into your things!

I wanted to know where you were, I was worried! SH

Come on Sherlock, I’m not a child right? You could have just waited for me to come back. Don’t use this as an excuse!

You know it’s something I do, like using your laptop or looking on your birth certificate to know your exotic middle name. SH

Whatever. You shouldn’t have read this. It was a personal conversation with a friend.

Indeed, it was about quite personal subjects. SH

You’ve got a real nerve, saying this to me! I don’t have to justify myself talking to Mike about my relationship with my boyfriend, have I?

No, you don’t. SH

What’s going on, Sherlock ? I… I didn’t say anything wrong in that little chat we had with Mike…?

Oh, nothing, really. Just that you were “in charge” when we got together. I thought you had stopped considering me as a child but I can see now I was wrong. SH

For fuck’s sake, Sherlock! Are we going to have this old argument again? I thought you understood what I meant by this. You know why I left you at the time, you know why I still feel guilty about it! Unfortunately, I can’t undo the past. And yes, you were inexperienced and vulnerable, I should have been stronger and I wasn’t. I screwed up, you used again and had other relationships with other men. My fault. Here. What else do you want from me?

I’m not vulnerable, I’ve never been. I don’t want you to feel so guilty, never wanted that! You should listen to Mike. He seems to show common sense in all that. And for your guidance, I don’t miss Mycroft. I hate him and I’ll never see him again, as I told you months ago. SH

So when Mycroft’s men found you in the street that cursed morning, in withdrawal and frozen to death, you weren’t vulnerable? When you picked up random guys to come home with, while using all the drugs you could find, you were totally fine? Well, who am I - or Mycroft, for that matter - to care!

Mycroft doesn’t care at all. Don’t talk about things you totally ignore. And I… I just had a little moment of weakness. SH

Well, you’re damn right I can’t talk about things I ignore! If only you had told me, just once, what kind of terrible wrongs he did to you - just in case I’d accidentally do the same, who knows! But no, I’m not trustworthy enough, and you had a “little” moment of weakness that nearly cost you your life. Whatever you say, Sherlock!

You don’t trust me either! Why didn’t you tell me, for Harry? I could have helped! SH

Don’t change the fucking subject! You think I still don’t see when something makes you nervous? And I was going to, for Harry, I would have told you as soon as things were settled and I’d found my phone again, I just didn’t want to remind you of your own addiction. I was trying to protect you, shoot me for that!

You would have told me before, if you have trusted me. But you still believe I’m vulnerable and always on the edge, so you’d rather talk about Harry with Mike. That hurts, you know. SH

Well. I’m sorry, maybe I made a mistake. But for all the overprotectiveness I plead guilty for, I do trust you… probably more than you trust me. But don’t worry, it doesn’t matter.

I trust you too, John. I’m also protecting you, that’s all. And I’m sorry, too. I won’t read your talks again. SH

If you say so… and OK for the texts on my phone, I trust you not to do it in the future. So… this was quite a long day, I think I’ll go to bed early tonight. Will you join me, later?

I will. I’m not far. SH

Good. Wake me up if I’m asleep, OK? Even just for a kiss and hug. I… missed you.

I’ve missed you too, John. Coming. SH

***

Hello, John. How is your day? SH

Fine, I suppose. Work not so interesting. You?

Fine. I wanted to ask you to come with me for the current case after your work, but I… solved it too fast. I’m sorry. SH

Aha. It doesn’t matter, you didn’t need me to be the usual genius ;)

I’d rather be a genius when you’re with me to witness it. Any news of your sister? SH

No, not really. She was supposed to call me after she left the clinic, but she hasn’t yet. Well, she probably hasn’t found the time, with the new flat and all. Wish she’d came back in London near us, but she had other plans. It’s no big deal.

Well. Maybe she will be fine. SH

Yeah.

What about tonight? Dinner out? SH

Mmh… not really in the mood for a restaurant. I’d rather watch crap telly and sleep early… but you can go with someone if you want, of course.

Oh yes, because I have a lot of friends to invite, and indeed I love going to a restaurant with anyone who’s not you. SH

Sherlock… I’m sorry, I don’t feel that well these days. It will pass, I promise.

No, that’s not what I meant. Well. If you’re not too worn out, why wouldn’t we go to that club…? Together…? SH

The gay club from last time? You never mentioned it again, I thought you’d got tired of it?

And you? Would you like it tonight? SH

Well, I. Why not? It could be good…

Yes, it could be. I promise you it will. Come with me, John… SH

You can be bloody persuasive when you want, you know that?

Only with you. Because it’s very important to persuade you. Because I love you. SH

Oh.

That’s not really a surprise, is it…? SH

No. But it’s the first time you tell me this bluntly like that, since… since a long time ago. You know what, let’s go to that club, let’s get hammered and lose ourselves in each other. That sounds pretty good to me now.

That sounds perfect, you mean. See you tonight, John… SH

OK, then. And, Sherlock…?

Yes? 

I do, too.


	26. Chapter 26

You looked good yesterday at that club. Except maybe for the blondie that followed you everywhere like an eager dog.

Moran. I’m not interested anymore. Don’t try to call me again. Bye. SH

How rude. That’s not the way you were with me, in the past. Is it because of the dog?

He’s not a dog. And yes, it was in the past, precisely. SH

Really? Then why come back to our club after all that time? Come on. Admit you missed it. You brought a dog to amuse yourself, but why bother when you could ride a hound? I’m sure you didn’t forget how it felt, us, in that club or at your place, or even that messy time in the back alley. You lead me there yourself, remember? Very good shag, I must say.

I’m not single anymore. SH

I don’t mind sharing.

For God’s sake! There are enough men you can fuck in that club, do you really need to do this? Leave us alone. SH

There are many, yes. And not one willing to allow me what you let me do to you. I was quite besotted with my lovely pet, you know. And seeing that face of yours again made me want to drench it like I used to. Don’t tell me you stopped liking it rough.

I’m not your pet! How I like it is not your business anymore. I won’t do it again with you, Sebastian. SH

Oh, I see you think you’re something special now. Fair enough. And what would you say of a little fix then? I have this amazing product at the moment. Jut magic, for an expert like you. Wanna give it a try?

No I

No! I’m clean now. Not interested. Not interested in drugs, not interested in you. Leave me in peace. SH

Are you sweating, Sherlock? No need. Just one fix won’t change anything nor make an addict of you, not with that brilliant willpower you have, right? You were never a junkie, I know what they are. And it’s pure stuff. I wouldn’t give you shit, you know me. You can drop at the club tonight, either stay or leave. Your call, pet ;)

Of course I wasn’t a junkie. But I made a promise, and I will keep it. That’s all. SH

Oh, you made a promise? To blondie there? I bet he has absolutely no clue of what it is to get wasted with high-rated C. The thrill of it. Fucking while being high. Not knowing who you are anymore. Not caring. Of course, he doesn’t have to know. It could be a secret.

I won’t do that. Not again. SH

I’m in love with him. SH

That’s cute. Except I don’t see how the two are related. Come on, man, I have too much on my hands. I’m willing to share, even for free. I’m bored.

Well. Find someone else. SH

Or I could entertain myself initiating an innocent idiot to these pleasures. After all, you’re quite worn out now…

As you wish. That’s none of my business. SH

… although I don’t usually do stocky blonds, it reminds me too much of myself. Mmh, there may be something to dig here…

You. Won’t. Touch. Him. I won’t let you. SH

I won’t. I’m not a violent man, am I? Or only when I feel that’s what’s expected of me, right Sherlock? But I could have tales for him. Pretty ones too, that I’m sure he’d be eager to hear.

What do you want from me, you bloody bastard?? SH

Man, that was easy. I thought you were in love, you and him? You don’t think he would stomach what I could tell him?

I won’t take the chance. But don’t think for one second that you’ll fuck me one more time. SH

I’ve never done to you anything that you didn’t want. And you liked it, you liked the pain. You craved for it. Say it. With my name.

I don’t trust you. Will you leave him alone if I say it? SH

Say it.

I liked the pain… with you. Sebastian. SH

I know.

So I’ve kept my side of the bargain, just keep yours and don’t talk to me again. SH

Wasn’t so hard, was it? Except for just one little thing: I want to see you one last time. No sex. Just for… half an hour, let’s say. Tomorrow at this hour, the same spot we met, outside the club. I’m sure you remember, even if you were wasted that night.

I don’t trust you. I don’t, but I’ll be there. And I’ll make you keep your side of the bargain. SH

I do love it when you turn all quietly threatening, kitten.

See you tomorrow, Sebastian. SH

Tomorrow, Sherlock!

***

Rush of flu here, I’ll be home late. I think we ran out of sugar, could you take care of it?

God, the whole world is sniffing.

I’m done! Finally.

Caught up in experiments again? Not the toxic type, I hope.

Sherlock? I’m at the flat. You?

Sherlock…?

JOhn. Coming. Sorry. SH

Ah! I was almost beginning to worry. Where were you?

On a case. A complex one. I’ll stay outside for a bit. See you later, John. SH

What? It’s nearly midnight! Can’t you carry on tomorrow? I’m off duty at the clinic, I’ll come with you. What do you say? 

Sorry. Can’t. Have a lot of stuff to solve, here. Good to solve. I’ll solve it all. I’ll come back after. Don’t worry, oK? SH

Sherlock. What are you doing?

Shhh. Can’t tell. State secret. But I love you, you know? SH

You’re scaring me. Please…

No, no, no please. Please stay. SH

Stay? Stay where? I don’t… I don’t understand what’s going on. I don’t want to!

A mistake. Just a mistake. I shouldn’t have… Stupid. SH

Tell me everything, I’ll deal with anything, just don’t tell me you’re high. Don’t!

What if I am? Will you run away? SH

Oh, God. You son of a bitch. 

I’m not!! My mother was a saint. Or maybe not. SHH

I thought we had something. I thought we were good. That you didn’t think about that ugly side of your past anymore. I thought… you loved me enough.

Not my fault!! Not mine. And I love you. You don’t know how much I love you. SH

I don’t care about your poor excuses. Not this time. Not after your talks about Harry… and us… and everything you made me believe. You repel me. Go and get high with your not boring friends. Leave me the fuck alone.

John!! Don’t say that. I don’t want to leave you alone. I’m coming home. Wait for me. Pleaase. SH

I can’t see you like that. I just… can’t. Come home if you like. I’ll be gone.

Not my fault, i’ll explain to you. Believe me. Trust me. Stay with me… SH

Just tell me why. Why now, when everything seemed so fine, when you said you loved me… were you bored? Was it too dull for you? Tell me.

I’m never bored with you. Never been. Was insecure sometimes, before, but not anymore. Feel good to be with you. Want it. Want more. Want you. HH

God, you’re so wasted. Tell me where you are. I’ll come fetch you. 

You would do that for me…?

It seems I can’t stand the idea of you getting hurt. It’s so absurd, considering you’re the one hurting yourself. Yet it is what it is, I’m a sad fool. Always has been, why would it change with you? I thought… nevermind. Where are you? Which sodden forsaken corner of the city?

I… Near the nightclub, dark alley, but did’nt go inside, OK? Didn’t cheat. Please believe me. Please tell me you dont hate me. SH

Oh. How stupid of me, should have been able to guess that one. Don’t bother denying anything, Sherlock. I don’t care. I’m hailing a cab. By the way, your misspelling is distracting.

I deny, because I didn’t do anything. I did’tn cheat, and the drug’s not my fault. Trust me…? SH

OK. OK, Sherlock, calm down. I’m coming, don’t worry. Stay where you are. What was it?

Was… forced… drugged. Didn’t want to. Was coming to tell him to go to hell. Thinking I could… Stupid. SH

What?? You were forced…? Who’s the asshole who did this? Did he touch you? Where is he now? I’ll fucking kill him!

Didn’t touch me, but. Old acquaintance I made. Mistae. Sorry, John. SH

Is he still here? Stay away from him, Sherlock. What did he give you? And tell me. Who. Is it? Do I know him? 

Left. New stuff. Sort of coke, I think. HH

What does this mean, new stuff? Oh my God, it could be anything. Poison. More than the usual, I mean. How do you feel? Jesus, I’m so sorry. Whatever the reason, why did you go on your own? Why not call me? I would never have let anyone touch you. Never.

Couldn’t. Had to… settle this on my own.

Well obviously it went terribly wrong. Damn! You can’t do this, Sherlock! You’re not alone anymore, you have to tell me things. We’re partners… if… if something happens… Oh, God. That’s a nightmare. You and Harry, again…

Tell me you wo,’t leave me, please. John. I wont do it again. I swear. I was clean, all these months. SH

Oh, Sherlock… I know you were. And you will be again. We’ll take care of you. You’ll be safe. I promise no one will hurt you again, not on my watch.

We…? SH 

I called your brother.

NO. No!! Fuck John no!!!

What would you have wanted me to do? You’ve been drugged, you’re alone in a street and I don’t know where your aggressor is, you’re a living target right now! And he should know what happened to his own brother! Don’t you think I should know how this feels, Sherlock?

He’s not my brother anymore, he’s a fucking bastard and you shouldn’t havt told him, John, you just shouldn’t have! I trusted you!!

For fuck’s sake what did he do to earn so much hatred??

Can’t tell you… God, John, I.

Listen Sherlock, I had to do it. They’re coming now, maybe before me, you’ll be safe. Mycroft, he… he was really worried. No one can fake that kind of voice. He cares. And I care, too. You’re not alone, see? You don’t have to be.

Don’t want Mycroft. Want you, just you, please… SH

I’m almost here. Just hang on for a little while, OK? Do you… still have some of it, so we can analyze this shit? Do you remember how much you had? How did he… this bastard, how did he make you take it? When your bother catches him I’ll fucking rip him in half. Who does this, forcing people to take drugs?

Don’tknow. He pressed his hand against my mouth, my nose, powder, powder evrywhere, just couldn’t… my fault. Bastard. SH

Yeah, that’s it, I’m gonna kill a man soon. Fucking monster. Did he… what did he do when you were… like that?

Not sure to remember but nothing… sexual. Don’t worry. Please. SH

You don’t remember…? Did he hurt you? Did he say why?

Already know why he did all this. SH

Who was he, Sherlock?

You’ll hate me… S

No. I couldn’t, even if I tried. Tell me.

THe one who fuckedme when we were separated.

Oh. I. OK. So… you were seeing him again?

No!!!! He threatened… wanted to talk to you. Didn’t want to. Fixed a date to tell him to go fuck himself. But… went wrong. SH

He threatened you? Wanted to talk to me? Oh, but I’d love nothing more than talk! Only I’ll do the talking while I’ll remove his teeth one by one! What did he want to say, Sherlock? No, don’t tell me. I don’t care. You should have known I wouldn’t care about any of the crap this scumbag would have said to me. I only care about you, don’t you know that now?

I… I’ve been stupid. so sorry…

Don’t worry. Everything will be fine, you’ll be fine. I will take care of you. You’ll forget everything of tonight. Just a bad dream. I’ll protect you, let me. Let me be stronger than this need in you. Let me be this for you, from now on. Will you do it?

Yes. Yes, I… John. I love you.

I love you too. I’m here.

I can see you. SH

***

Thank you for having called me, doctor. He’s in good care now. I only regret that the first time I see my stubborn little brother after more than a year of silence, it’s because he relapsed. Again.

Your little brother seems to have a lot to reproach you. Don’t push us. And it wasn’t his fault. How is he now?

I see he still hasn’t told you. Let’s respect his choice, then. Well, it’s never their fault, is it? They keep relapsing, and we keep taking all the guilt on ourselves. You’re a brother with a troubled sibling too, so you’re well aware of what I’m referring to. Yet I would have thought that you’d have a stronger hold on him than that. I confess I was a bit… what do they call this? … disappointed. Nevermind. Sherlock is as well as he can be after what happened to him. The product he absorbed was quite strong and the addiction would be nearly immediate for the average, let alone a former addict. But he’ll recover with time, one can hope. This is the best clinic of the country, and I can guarantee he’ll stay clean as long as I keep him there.

He told me somebody forced him to take it, and I believe it. And I… I’m not sure he needs to be kept there for a long time. I could take care of him, at home.

Someone forced him to sniff cocaine? And you believed him? Hmm. Thanks for the offer, but I think he’ll be fine under guard for a while.

Fuck you, Mycroft! If you tried to believe a little more in Sherlock, maybe he would hate you a little less!

You sound so much like him, it’s disturbing.

Because I love him. I love him more than my own life, and maybe I’m not good enough, but I’m really trying. Don’t stop me.

I may have underestimated your… commitment, back when you started dating my sociopath brother - you understand how one could ask himself about your motives. But it was a long time ago. Now I see better.

Good. So. What will we do now for him?

You, nothing. I have made all the arrangements for Sherlock. I’ll see to him myself at the clinic. He’ll stay there for a while, and go back to London when he’s fully recovered. One of my assistants will deliver you news on a daily basis.

I would like to do something. I hate feeling useless like this. I want to help.

I understand. But it’s not my call, this time. I’m trying to listen to my brother, as you inspired me to do… and he doesn’t want to see you, right now. I’m… sorry.

What?

He says he’s ashamed. It’s the first time I hear these words from my brother’s mouth, and it was… unsettling.

Please, tell him he doesn’t have to… I… I’m not angry, I still trust him, I’m so proud of him and of all the progress he’s made these last months… Tell him he’s just perfect for me. Will you?

I have tried to reason him with similar arguments, yes. He’s being contradictory, like his usual self. You should give him a little time. You have been patient with him, in the past. Can you do it again?

Yes. Of course, I… I would do anything for him. But I want to be sure that it’s really what he wants, that he won’t feel abandoned once again, I… God. When will I see him again? I want to. Please.

I believe that despite appearances Sherlock is not so different from anyone else: he doesn’t want you to see him when he’s weak. That said, you can come when you like. It will be up to him to accept to let you in or not. I won’t interfere, not this time.

OK… Hmm. I’m not really sure I can trust you on this, but I’ll wait… until tomorrow, alright? Let me know his decision tomorrow. 

Your suspicion is understandable. Yet we share the same interest, you and me. I am… glad that Sherlock chose you. He could have done worse. Tomorrow then, doctor. 

I’m not really sure to understand what you mean by this, Mycroft… Anyway, that’s a deal. Tomorrow.

Nothing else than the truth: you’re probably the best choice my brother has ever made in his complicated life. Greetings… John.


	27. Chapter 27

Good morning, Dr Watson. Mr Holmes asked me to contact you, regarding his brother’s situation. I hope I’m not disturbing.

Well, no, I… It’s perfect! How is he and who are you? 

Oh, you were sleeping. My apologies. You can call me Sherin. I’ll be your interlocutor for the time being. As expected Sherlock’s had a rough night, but he’s sleeping peacefully now. The doctors are confident, with care and time he’ll improve.

Yeah, I was, how did you guess? Ha, maybe ‘cause it’s 6 AM! Well, thank you very much for the update. Can you tell me when he’s awake?

I probably should have waited, but I thought you would prefer to know as soon as possible. He’s been heavily sedated, maybe tonight. I’ll let you know about any changes. You can go back to sleep if you want, doctor.

No, it was perfect, thank you Sherin. And OK, I’ll wait for news and instructions. No, I don’t really want to, time to eat a little and go for a walk, I guess.

I will. Have a good day.

***

I’m sorry to write this late, but you asked me to fill you in. He briefly woke up and accepted to eat. He was still quite weak and fell fast asleep. More tomorrow, I hope. 

OK… I feel a bit worried. This shit was really a strong one! Did Mycroft manage to find the bastard who did it? 

Unfortunately it’s not just the product. Sherlock’s system was already weakened by a long past of using. And the first hours were rough, as I said, because he proved to be a danger to himself. This is why the medical team had to sedate him so heavily. But hopefully he’ll recover in the days to come. As for your last question… I’m afraid I can’t answer. 

He proved to be a danger for himself?? For God’s sake why couldn’t I see him, I could have helped! Bloody hell, I’m gonna kill your boss. 

He was hallucinating. He seemed to confuse the paramedics with others, and kept repeating names. I’m sorry not to have told you, I thought it would… uselessly upset you. Have I made a mistake? In any case I hope you’ll be able to see him soon. And you wouldn’t be the first to express that kind of wish about my boss.

Names…? I don’t know if you made a mistake, everyone here seem to make mistakes. I’d like to be with him and to help him, it’s agonizing to feel so useless.

Names don’t matter. And I agree with you, please accept my apologies for… everything, even if they’re no use to you. I hope you can come tomorrow. Don’t feel useless, Dr Watson, none of this is your fault. That’s what I told Mr Holmes a few hours ago. It’s true for both of you.

Thank you for this, Sherin. I’m… hoping really hard that it’s not my fault, but. Well. Doesn’t matter. Sorry to bother you.

You don’t. Cheer up, doctor. Tomorrow I’ll come fetch you in the city. And you’ll see him, he’ll be better, and in a little time everything will be as it should.

OK. OK :) That’s… just the perfect words, I think. Thanks, Sherin. See you tomorrow, then. 

Good night, doctor. 

Good night Sherin, if your boss lets you sleep sometimes. 

Sleep is for the weak ;)

***

Sherin…? I don’t have any news, is it normal…? What’s going on…? Please.

Sorry. Can’t talk right now. Have to tend to Mr Holmes. I’ll contact you shortly.

For God’s sake! What happened? What can I do? He’s my lover, Sherin! My best friend! I must do something for him…

I know, John! I’m trying here. He’s fine, OK? Don’t worry too much. I promise I’ll let you know, just let me talk to my boss. 

I’ll kill him. Tell him that I’ll kill him. He doesn’t impress me.

You’re one of the few people who actually mean this, I’m aware. But it’s not his fault, OK? I’ll write to you in ten’. Is it alright for you?

OK, I’m waiting.

***

Dr Watson…?

Sherin?

You’re here. Listen, first of all Sherlock is fine. There was a little crisis - he woke up at dawn, disoriented and fogged by the sedatives, and he tried to… climb down the window. Thanks God he was hold back long enough by the I.V. for one of our team’s agents to intervene. After that Mr Holmes and Sherlock had a row, the younger one didn’t really make sense and tried - in fact, succeeded to - hit his brother in the jaw… well, I’m sorry for earlier but you wrote to me at the precise time I was talking my boss into not reciprocating, you see. The Holmes family is quite a handful, but I gather you already knew that.

Yeah, I know that, but Sherlock isn’t really the violent type… I mean, he’s often harsh in his words but punching his brother…? I really wonder what Mycroft did a few months ago to infuriate him like this…

He was not himself, Dr Watson. Mr Holmes was trying to talk some sense into him. Sherlock was pretending not to listen but I could see he was. For a while it was almost… peaceful between us. And then Mr Holmes said something about trying not to disappoint again the ones who foolishly loved him and Sherlock leapt on his brother. We all thought he was weakened but my boss seemed to have lighted the last sparkle of strength in him. Sherlock was quickly under control, and that was the first time I saw Mr Holmes bleeding, it was almost… surreal. I think he couldn’t quite believe it himself. Well, now Sherlock’s restrained, and my boss is in a very foul mood. Marvelous.

Fuck… They’re impossible. But I don’t understand, why did Mycroft tell him such a thing? I’ve precisely asked him to tell Sherlock that I wasn’t disappointed or angry!

Perhaps because he tried to escape by the window on the third floor…? Mr Holmes’s role is not an easy one, it never is. And, someone did tell Sherlock. At least you can be sure of that.

Did you…?

Yes. I thought this was important.

Thank you so much, Sherin. I don’t know you but… Really, I’m glad you’re here. You seem to be someone good, and I owe you, now.

Even if he doesn’t know any other way than being hard with his brother, Mr Holmes really cares for him. So I care too. You don’t owe me anything, Doctor. But I’m glad if I can be of any help.

You seem to be pretty close to Mycroft, am I wrong…? You’ve worked for him for a long time?

Yes, I have. Mr Holmes is a man who inspires loyalty… faith. But he doesn’t let people get so close, you know. He’s not like his brother. It’s alright. I’ve come to like it.

Well, I can understand, I guess :) Thank you for your honesty.

Maybe you can, indeed. Listen, I think you’re a good influence on the Holmes brothers. And I like you. How about I try talking to Sherlock again when he’s available, maybe tonight? I could transmit a message for him. Perhaps he’ll listen, if he’s not busy assaulting my boss.

Oh, that’s really a lovely idea. Could you just tell him that… I think about him, I’m proud of him, I love him…? Well, it’s cliché but… it’s true and maybe he needs some kind words… Shit, I feel useless.

I don’t think honesty and care are cliché. I’ll tell him. Maybe it will make him change his mind about not wanting to “see anything more of this wretched world”, and other sherlockian amiabilities. I’ll ask again if he’d like me to bring you here. You’re not useless, Dr Watson, you’re essential to him. I can see that because he’s clearly so afraid to disappoint you.

You… you can call me John, you know. And I think I like you, too. Thank you.

You’ll thank me when your lovely boyfriend stops sulking, John ;)

Yes, please, Sherin. Can’t wait to see that happen ;))

Well, I’m quite used to this family now. Who knows? Later, John.

***

John? Wanna go for a ride this morning? 

Does… does he want to see me??

Yep. We had a little chat last night. And at the end of the conversation he was convinced it was purely his idea, so I’m covered. Men will be men, even a Holmes!

God, you’re the devil :D That’s just perfect. When can I meet you?

Window, John. Blond girl in the big black car.

Oh hello, you :) Well, I’m coming!

Hope you enjoy fast driving.

That sounds perfect to me :D

***

Back home and I would like to thank you. I’ve just spent a very beautiful and peaceful moment with the man I love, and I think it was good for him, too. So… thank you very much for what you did.

My pleasure. Thanks for the coffee in the park. Well, I reckon a peaceful Sherlock is a good thing for everyone involved.

My pleasure ;) Yeah. I don’t really know if it will last, but… You’ll keep me informed? I don’t know when they’ll let him go, I hope very soon…

I overheard my boss and the doctors talking. I’m not supposed to tell as it’s not 100% sure, but if Sherlock’s next tests are good, he could be out on Saturday. Sod it, I had to warn you, right? Just so you can have time to hide all your secret lovers :p

Saturday? Sounds so good! Hmm you’re right, with that many lovers I should begin as soon as possible ;)

Manwhore. :p

I prefer seducer :p

Well, looking at both of us, I’d say the Holmeses have good taste.

You’re a confident woman, aren’t you? :)

I like to save me time! Don’t you?

I think I do. So, you’ll write to me again, to confirm for Saturday?

I will. Same hour, tomorrow?

With pleasure :)


	28. Chapter 28

One week later

Sherlock. Did you drug my tea again? Where are you?

Out. SH

Out? What do you mean out? You can’t go out on your own yet, you bloody know that! And it’s dark and cold outside. Come back to the flat at once!

Impossible. Couldn’t even breathe. Needed to go out for a little walk. I have my coat. Don’t worry that much. SH

Sherlock, you’re just beginning to recover. You can’t wander alone in the city after what happened to you. Why couldn’t we go together, if this was so important?

Wanted to be alone. SH

Oh.

For God’s sake, don’t… John. I’m… very happy to have left the hospital, and to be home with you. But it has been so long, I have felt so trapped, I needed this. You know me. You can’t be surprised. I’m taking care of myself. I’ll be back. SH

No, I’m not that surprised. Tell me where you are, now.

No. I’m fine. Go to bed. SH

Don’t tell me to go to bed while you’re alone in the streets at night. Doing God knows what, not two weeks after you relapsed. Just don’t.

I’m clean!!! You know it wasn’t me, you do believe me when I say I was forced, don’t you? I’m just walking! I’ve been bored to death these last days, I can’t stay trapped any longer! SH

Yeah. Yeah, I believe you, but forced or not the truth is you used again, and what if… I don’t know, what if you’re tempted… anyway, the only reason Mycroft accepted to let you go was because I promised to look after you. So stop provoking him, or me for that matter!

Don’t talk about him. SH

Why? Because he helped you once again? The big brother who always comes running when you’re in deep shit? And getting punched for his trouble?

How dare you, John! You don’t know what you’re talking about! Why does he always have to be the smart one, the white knight, even for you? Can’t you see what’s going on?! SH

No. I can’t. How could I?

Trust me. He’s not always the good guy. SH 

I’m aware. I’m just saying that when he is, it’s always related to you. Come home now, Sherlock. Or tell me where you are, and we’ll have a midnight walk. Why not, after all. 

Stay home, you’re feeling weak with the, hum, tea. I’m coming, OK? SH

For real? I don’t have to call one of Mycroft’s minions then?

One of Mycroft’s minions? Oh, let me guess. You’re thinking about Sherin, I suppose. SH

Well, her or anyone who’s unfortunate enough to be on night duty for your brother!

Because you have a lot of Mycroft’s minions’ phone numbers…? But don’t bother Sherin. I’m coming right now. SH

I may have more of them than you think! But I’d rather not involve anyone else in our night.

Our night? Our night spent watching crap TV and eating terrible Chinese food, you mean? SH

You’re a real treat, aren’t you? What would you want to do? Lestrade has given you forced holidays for two weeks, you’re supposed to enjoy this!

I would enjoy it better if you let me touch you. SH

Sherlock. I want it too, I’m sure you noticed that. But I don’t wish to rush you. You were quite shaken by… what happened to you.

I’m not! And if I touch you first, you’re not rushing me, why don’t you understand that? SH

You’re always in a rush. Why don’t you take your time, just once? You’re still in pain. I saw you this morning, your hands were shaking. You thought I wouldn’t pay attention?

I want you to see me as your friend and lover, not as… a patient. I want you to make me forget. SH

But I do see you in these ways. You’re everything to me. And I wish I could make you forget, though… maybe you should talk about it, at least once. You never accepted to tell the bastard’s name to Mycroft. Why are you protecting him?

Because this bastard, as you say, is my personal error. I deal with it. SH

I wish I could slowly strangle your “personal error”!

But not me? Did you forgive me? SH

Of course not you, silly. You, I’d like to hold dearly. But next time you drug my tea with a sedative, you’ll have to face the consequences.

What sort of consequences…? SH

God, how do you manage that? I can almost hear your suggestive voice. You’re not playing fair.

I want you. SH

Hum. I. Are you sure it’s wise…?

I don’t care. I’ve missed you too much. I want you, lying naked on our bed. I want to lick every bit of your skin, listen to your pulse racing, your breath quickening. I want to spend hours playing with your body and your senses, and looking at you while you’re losing your mind - completely. SH

Bloody hell. Always so persuasive… Well, I. Hmm. Get back here before I come from your words alone.

***

A few weeks later

Sherlock, could you grab some bread on your way?

What kind? Last time I bought the wrong bread, I saw it on your face. SH

That would be because of this rather selective ear of yours, right? Rye bread, please?

You know I must delete things, sometimes. SH

I know. As you did when I asked you not to use my laptop for these awful researches - you know, the ones on unusually offending sextoys? And don’t answer me it was for a case, you have a computer of your own!

You’re not very adventurous, John. SH

You’re not serious?! With the “double trouble” thingy…?

Maybe you would like it. SH

Hem, not sure. Seem quite… ambitious for me! Should I read an implicit message here…?

It still doesn’t matter if you don’t want to let me fuck you. I enjoy everything we do together. But if you allowed me… I swear I would make you beg. SH

Bloody hell! You can’t write to me that kind of things when I’m on the tube! Thank God I was sitting… I. Hum, I appreciate the enthusiasm here, I really do. Maybe we could try it… one day.

That’s OK, John. SH

I… it’s not a definitive no.

I know and it’s fine. I love you. SH

I love you too. And I love what we have, you and me. Really.

I trust you. SH

Right :) And I trust you not to forget the bread!!

For God’s…! OK, I’m going back. SH


End file.
